Local Man Who Had Work In The Morning Did Not Look At Lunar Eclipse
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local “NAH MISSED IT” Stokes Valley local Doug Turner, 28, has missed the total lunar eclipse that happened last night. A total lunar eclipse happens when the Moon, Earth and Sun line up during a full moon, giving the moon a red appearance. The builder (whose regular 5 o’clock wake-up had no […]
<strong>NZ CUP DAY: Christchurch Race Goers Look Forward To Being Comfortably Steamed At 10:37 AM</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture COMING IN HOT Mid morning on a Tuesday isn’t usually the time when you’d expect nearly 20,000 people to be six to eight standard drinks deep. But that’s likely to be happening at Christchurch’s Addington Raceway tomorrow for The New Zealand Trotting Cup, the biggest day on NZ’s racing calendar. By […]
<strong>Local Lesbian Sick of Explaining “My Cats Are My Children”</strong>
KASSIE MACKAY | Culture “NOT ALL BABIES COME IN PRAMS” Bella Connors, a local 30-something whose sexual preferences preclude natural procreation, is fed up this week. The rationale for her rage: she’s sick and tired of being quizzed on matters of family planning despite being clear that her cats are, in fact, her children. Connors’ […]
<strong>CUP WEEK: Anti Racing Activist Urged To Consider The Joy Of A Champagne Brekky And Day On The Punt</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture OH GO ON… Smug millennial Ruby Wareing is likely never going to know what it is like to have a full head of steam before 10 am on the second Tuesday of November. But now she has been strongly urged to at least consider it. Wareing, who resides in Wellington’s Aro […]
<strong>REPORT: No Rise In New Zealanders’ Blood Pressure As All Blacks Drum Up Dominant Win</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport STRESS FREE VIEWING New Zealand’s favourite national sporting team the All Blacks have boosted the health and wellbeing of many Kiwis today. The All Blacks put away a lacklustre Welsh side 55-23 to notch up their fifth win in a row. In fact the result was a win in more ways […]
<strong>Grade Cricketer Unforthcoming About How He Actually Went Today</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport “WENT ALRIGHT AY” Jake Macaskill, 31, could almost land a role as a Hollywood actor following the performance he gave to his mates post-match, at a house party. The third grade cricketer for Eastern Suburbs claimed that he ‘went alright’, when he was questioned how he himself and his team got […]
<strong>“My Dog is My Closest Friend” Claims Woman Whose Pet Clearly Resents Her</strong>
KASSIE MACKAY | Culture “BUT HE LOVES ME” Local pet owner Cushla Walters lovingly refers to her dog Tiddles as her “closest friend.” She and the Cocker Spaniel are together 24/7, have multiple matching patterned onesies, and “can literally see into each other’s souls.” But is this a healthy relationship, or is Tiddles in captivity […]
Office Employee’s Top Priority For Friday Morning Is Gauging Numbers For Work Drinks
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture FIRST THING’S FIRST James Walkley, 27, knew he had a daily report to write this morning, and 9 times out of 10 this was the first thing he put on his list to complete during his workday. Today however, the Ministry of Education fixed term staff member had different things on […]
Flatmate Fires Through Another Passive Aggressive Message To The Group Chat About Dishes
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture “HI GUYS, JUST A REMINDER” Jake Nixon, 24, was busy in the middle of his working day when his phone pinged in his pocket. Hoping it was the girl he’d recently been messaging, disappointment soon pulsed through his body after learning it was just his flatmate Sophie launching another passive aggressive […]
Millennial Defies Ageing By Behaving Like Spoilt Child on 30th Birthday
KASSIE MACKAY| Culture IT’S HER PARTY AND SHE’LL CRY IF SHE WANTS TO Forget retinol formulas and hyaluronic acid. Whakataki millennial Caitlin Collins has found the secret to staying young: acting like a spoilt little brat. Despite expectations that her milestone 30th birthday would be cause for celebration, Collins instead marked her third decade on […]
