One Eyed Cantab Stabs Himself In Good Eye After Loss To Fijian Drua
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport NO EYED CANTAB The one-eyed Cantabrian, Craig Chamberlain has had a rough go of it in recent weeks. After just checking out of the mental institution following the Crusaders’ opening loss to the Chiefs, the man from the Christchurch suburb of Shirley has more recently become the no-eyed Cantab. The passionate […]
Gym Junkie Shocks Friend Group By Initiating Non-Gym-Related Conversation
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture OUT OF THE BLUE Brianna Stewart loves every minute of her daily gym routine and her conversations with close friends outside of the gym usually revolve around that. But after Saturday morning’s gym session when she met up with her regular friend group for coffee, the 25 year-old suddenly shocked everyone […]
“You V Jordie Will Be Just Like The Backyard Right?”: Beauden Barrett’s Eyeballs Get Stuck During Eye Roll
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport HAD TO ASK DIDN’T THEY! Blues first-five Beauden Barrett is in serious danger of missing the hotly anticipated clash against the Hurricanes tomorrow night, after his eyeballs became stuck during his regular media duties. With the press conference going smoothly so far, one journalist decided to ask the inevitable, causing the […]
Auckland Sky Tower Stands As Constant Reminder To Aucklanders That They’re In Auckland
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture UNMISTAKABLE The Auckland Sky Tower served its purpose for Liam Gilmore today. The 28 year old marketing exec had popped out on his lunch break, likely to escape the reality of his occupation, when for some reason he briefly forgot where he was in the world. It was then that he […]
Wellington Man Puts His Wellbeing First By Ripping Into People He Doesn’t Like On Twitter
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture STRESS RELEASE Darcy McGowan, a communications advisor based in the Wellington suburb of Mt Cook, has taken control of his own wellbeing and is proactively working on his mental health. He loves to exercise and do mindfulness meditation exercises. But the thing that helps him most to relax is hopping on […]
Intelligent Woman Confidently Justifies Watching MAFS By Saying “It’s Just Nice To Switch My Brain Off”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture “I KNOW, IT’S TERRIBLE!” 32 year old Wellington woman Amy Galvin, a GP based in Miramar, consistently works hard and puts in the extra effort for her patients. She’s a loving wife and believes herself to be a good person. And at the end of the day, sometimes all she wants […]
Visitor To Auckland Fails To Find ‘K Road’ On Google Maps
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture “NO I DID NOT MEAN KARANGAHAPE” Liam Collins believed he had a simple task at hand – find a specified apartment building on a street called ‘K Road’ and meet his friends there. Except the 27 year-old, who made the trip up from Wellington for a work course, had now spent […]
Netflix Cracks Down On Users But Forgets That People Can Actually Just Use The Internet To Download Shit
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture COULD JUST GET IT ON THE D.L? Major streaming provider Netflix has been doing a lot lately to annoy its customers, leading many to believe they have forgotten an important point about the internet. As the company discovered that there were many, many people sharing their account logins with friends and […]
Man Remarkably Holds Bat In Rebel Sport Without Practicing His Forward Defence
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport GOD LEVEL SELF CONTROL Hamilton man Deepak Singh fought every instinct in his body yesterday, as he successfully held a cricket bat in his hands at Rebel Sport Te Rapa without shaping his body into the classical forward-defence batting movement. Friend Stephen Hyde witnessed the event in person. “I’ve played cricket […]
Young Couple Who Quietly Bought Their First Home Without Going On About It Now Being Hounded By Stuff Journalists
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local LEAVE US ALONE A young couple in their twenties, who’s identities we will keep hidden, have been relentlessly harassed by Stuff Media ever since they bought their first home two weeks ago. The media outlet now desperately wants to publish their story, no doubt wanting to highlight the couple’s hard work […]
