THIRD STRAIGHT LOSS: Warriors Fan Shopping Around For Second NRL Team To Support
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport JUST TO BE SAFE Jason McHardy is in a state of despair after watching the Warriors crash to their third straight defeat. The 28 year-old has been living on a knife’s edge for the past two months, and has been expecting the Warriors season to dramatically fall apart at any second. […]
Chiefs Fan Difficult To Be Around After Tenth Straight Win
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport CHIEFS MANA Ben Fraser was quicker than anyone to take to social media last night. The die-hard Chiefs fan had just watched his team notch up their 10th straight victory of this year’s Super Rugby season, dispatching the Highlanders 52-28 in Dunedin. “10 in a row baby! Just give us the […]
Wellington Motorists Recommended To Keep Bottle Of Acetone In The Car For Removing Those Pesky Protesters
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National HELPFUL ADVICE Motoring expert David Rutherford has a modern solution to a modern problem for Wellington commuters. With the increasing frequency of Wellington traffic being terrorised by protesters sticking their hands to the roads, many have called for the Police to do more. But Rutherford believes that if every motorist takes […]
Local Mum Opens Microwave To Discover Cup Of Cold Forgotten Coffee
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local OH THAT’S RIGHT Jenna Strawbridge, an Upper Hutt healthcare worker and mother of two, has uncovered concrete evidence of just how busy and distracted she is in her own home. The 33 year old opened her microwave at around 5.30 last night to quickly cook some frozen peas and carrots, only […]
Chippy Hipkins Jealous That He Can’t Just Ditch Labour And Join The Maori Party
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics NOT FAIR! Prime Minister Chris “Chippy” Hipkins was annoyed today when he found out that another one of his MPs, Meka Whaitiri, had decided to ditch Labour and join Te Pati Maori. However it wasn’t the fact that the party had lost yet another member that annoyed him. He was more […]
AUSSIE VAPE BAN: Kiwi Vape Shop Owner Crossing The Ditch To Start A Life Of Crime
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS Wellington vape shop owner Bryce Renshaw plans to cash in big this year after it was announced the Australian government plans to ban recreational vaping altogether. Renshaw, who has had no trouble selling vape pens from his store on Cuba Street, plans to cross the ditch to where his […]
Tight Contest For Met Gala’s Prize For 2023’s “Creepiest Looking Weirdo”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | World TOO CLOSE TO CALL Rihanna, Erykah Badu and Lil Nas X are all in the running to win the coveted “Creepiest Looking Weirdo” prize at this year’s Met Gala. As the world’s elites, celebrities and assorted other rich narcissists come together for the biggest fundraiser of the year, our media makes […]
Wellingtonian Shamed Mercilessly By Flatmates For The Crime Of Drinking Instant Coffee
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture CONVENIENCE OVER CULTURE Alex Dustow, a 19 year old originally from Taranaki, recently moved into a new flat in Wellington’s Aro Valley. After being up bright and early most days for the year’s lectures in the opening semester, he was often out the door to Victoria University, well before his other […]
BACK-TO- BACK LOSSES: Warriors Fan Stocking Up On Ice Cream To Go With Potential End Of Season Tears
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport PANIC STATIONS Die-hard Warriors fan Mark Hickey’s faith is beginning to waver. That’s after his beloved Warriors went down 14-0 to the Sydney Roosters in Auckland this afternoon, just five days after they lost to the Melbourne Storm on Tuesday. Today’s loss has hit Hickey hard, especially after the Warriors had […]
One Headache Clearly Not Enough As Bloke Attempts Weekly Grocery Shop While Very Hungover
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture MATCH MADE IN HELL Duncan Rodden woke up with a bone cracking hangover this Sunday morning, which came on after consuming approximately one dozen beers and a handful of pints in town. Stumbling towards the kitchen after waking up past midday, the Christchurch native soon realised his pantry and fridge were […]