Man Locks In Poor Saturday Athletic Performance By Having Spontaneously Big Friday
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport “OH NAH IT’LL BE FINE” Social footballer Ben Pullman has guaranteed himself a dreadful performance on Saturday, after a last minute decision to catch up with a mate after his normal work drinks. Pullman regularly enjoys two or three refreshments with his office workmates on a Friday, and has had no […]
PAY YOUR FAIR SHARE: Government Proposes Tax On All Income Received During Games Of Monopoly
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics PAY TO PLAY Revenue Minister David Parker is sick and tired of dads around the country dominating games of Monopoly and not paying their fair share of tax. Parker has proposed that all income generated during games of Monopoly, whether it’s in New Zealand dollars or imaginary money, will incur a […]
Newlywed Woman Begins Facebook Photo Spam Journey
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture RELENTLESS It is fair to say that Kelly McIntosh’s Facebook page is now more crowded than her own wedding reception was. The 27 year-old has just posted what seemed like the 1000th photo of her “magical day” with her “one and only”, seen mainly by friends who weren’t actually invited. After […]
Friend Of Social Rugby Player Simply Delighted By Clubroom Beer Prices
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport HOW GOOD?? Jamie Nelson got a very pleasant surprise late on Saturday afternoon after coming along to watch his friend Regan’s rugby match for the first time. While Nelson was unimpressed with the skill level of both teams, and dismayed by the 9-6 final score, the low price of beer at […]
Woman Completes Early Saturday Morning Gym Class Despite Unplanned Hangover
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture NOT ALL HEROES WEAR CAPES Highly motivated fitness enthusiast Jodi Graham was faced with a choice when she woke up this morning. The choice was about whether she got up and went to her scheduled pump class at Les Mills, or succumbed to the hangover that was unjustly afflicting her body […]
Flatmates Grumble About The Cost Of Living While Enjoying Third Takeaway This Week
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture IT ALL ADDS UP Isaac Barnham and flatmate Sarah Tilley were enjoying a quiet night in, when the topic of food and fuel prices popped into their conversation. “God, I spent $130 on petrol today. The tank wasn’t even that empty!” said Mr Barnham in disgust. “Just another cost ay, how […]
Kiwi Complaining About Stop-Start NBA Forgets About Rugby’s Endless Scrum Resets
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport GET ON WITH IT Lachie Clarke was growing impatient with today’s NBA basketball game between the LA Lakers and the Memphis Grizzlies. “Why do they keep stopping the game? It’s ruining the flow!” Clarke bellowed at the TV as the Lakers coach opted to use up one of his many timeouts. […]
Great News! Inflation Is Down, Which Means The Cost Of Everything Only Went Up By 1.2% This Time!
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local GET OUT THE CHAMPAGNE! New Zealand’s citizens rejoiced today as we are informed that annual inflation has PLUMMETED to 6.7%. There have been widespread reports of people “dancing in the street” as they found out that the cost of living, which obviously increased significantly in the last three months, had not […]
Public Servant Tacks On “Going Forward” To End Of Sentence To Increase Perceived Intelligence
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture “MOVING INTO THE FUTURE” James Tilford, a Wellington-based middle manager, dazzled colleagues with his mastery of the spoken word at this morning’s leadership hui. The 45 year old was able to attach intelligent-sounding phrases to the end of sentences in such a way that elevated his professional standing to new heights. […]
Aucklander Continues To Say Traffic Isn’t That Bad, Despite Reality
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture “OH IT’S NOT THAT BAD” Tommy Ridge’s drive from Albany to Manukau should take around 25 minutes. But today, like many other days this week, he’s on track to make his morning commute nearly an hour and a half worth of stop-start driving. Despite the 27 year-old making his way through […]