“Told You Not To Go Into Politics You Bloody Idiot” Says Uffindell’s Old Man
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics “COULDN’T HELP YOURSELF, COULD YA!” As if National MP Sam Uffindell didn’t have enough to deal with at the moment, with more allegations coming to light about a pattern of violent behaviour, the embattled member for Tauranga has just received an earful from his old man. “I told you, didn’t I?! […]
SHOCK REVELATION: Private Boarding School Kid Turns Out To Be A Prick
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National WOW, REALLY? In ground breaking news today, it has been confirmed that a student who attended the exclusive private boarding school, King’s College in Auckland, turns out to be a bit of a prick. Sam Uffindell, the new National MP attended the prestigious school in the early 2000s, where it was […]
Foster Lucky His Lack Of Public Support Doesn’t Have Polling Data Backing It Up
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport “PHEW, NO KANTAR POLL FOR ME!” All Blacks coach Ian Foster has dug deep and found something to be thankful for. The under-fire coach is fortunate there is no real concrete proof that All Blacks fans around the country are completely disgruntled with him and that his public support is at […]
Struggling Auckland Family Of Four Only Half Joking About Planned Ram Raid
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National DESPERATE TIMES Henderson family of four, the Rolstons were only half joking when they told the Whakataki Times about a violent smash and grab they had planned for the local dairy. “Oh haha yeah, well that’s the way we’ll be heading if petrol gets any dearer!” laughed dad Joel, 38, as […]
Wellingtonian In Aro Valley Friend Group Laughed Out Of The Room After Not Having Read Harry Potter
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National EXPELLIARMUS! Popular blue-haired arts student Ashley Bartlett was exposed this morning, after she was found out to be the only person in her friend group that hadn’t read the Harry Potter book series. “WHAT?!” cried friend Jaz Jenson, as a grin spread across her face and her eyes lit up with […]
Woman Devastated To Discover She Can Comfortably Walk Under Doorways At Hobbiton
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture COULD BE THE NEXT FRODO! Olivia Martin, 24, likes to think she’s average height despite being barely five foot tall. But the false belief was confirmed after a trip to the Hobbiton movie set in Matamata with her boyfriend Sam Duncan. As the couple of three years from Levin explored the […]
Bloke Who Started Drinking At Four Reckons He’s Staying Up For The All Blacks
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport WON’T MAKE IT PAST THE HAKA! Kieran Larson foolishly thinks he’s in it for the long haul this evening. Cracking open his first Steinlager Pure at his mate Jimmy’s house at around four o’clock this afternoon, the 23 year-old drain layer from Christchurch appears to be under the impression that he […]
Local Woman Continues Lie That She Will Make Banana Bread
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local “I’M GOING TO USE THEM SOON!” 22 months ago, Whakataki local Lisa Jenkins, 29, decided she would freeze some bananas with the very clear intention of making banana bread at some point. However, while her intentions are good, the reality is that she is living a complete lie if she thinks […]
Local Dad Educates Son About Why NPC Is The Only Real Rugby Left
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport NOTHING ELSE LIKE IT! Craig Harden, 59, has given his 17 year-old son Jayden some much needed guidance on what type of rugby he should be watching. As the father and son sat down to watch the first game of this year’s Bunnings NPC match between Canterbury and Manawatu, the car […]
Wellington Coffee Know-It-All Insists Flat White Is Now A Latte After Spotting Extra Millimetre Of Foam
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture QUEEN OF CAFFEINE! Kara Stratton, 26, is a coffee aficionado. That’s because she describes herself as exactly that on all her bios of social media, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, and also a 2012 Tumblr blog which she hasn’t updated in a decade. But her friend Rebekah McKnight, 25, can also vouch for […]
