Leftie Journo Tortured By Crush On David Seymour
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National FORBIDDEN LUST Ruby Galbraith is a woman who has been living in complete denial. The freelance reporter for RNZ and The Spinoff has reluctantly admitted she has long been tortured by her secret crush on ACT leader David Seymour. Our reporters spoke to Galbraith inside Parliament’s press gallery. “I mean, he […]
Local Psychopath Calmly Checks Bank Balance The Morning After Being Blackout Drunk In Town
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture WORRYING BEHAVIOUR Shaun Walker has done what no other normal person would do on a Sunday morning. Instead of doing everything to nurse his bone cracking hangover and dread what he uploaded onto his Snapchat story, the 26 year-old calmly opened up his banking app to have a quick scroll of […]
Kiwi Manchester United Fan Reckons He’s “Not Really Following It Much This Year Ay”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport “JUST BEEN QUITE BUSY AY” Wellington-based Manchester United fan Dean Bridges has gone to extraordinary lengths to avoid the topic of his team’s results this year. This comes after last week’s painful loss to Brentford, which saw the “big four” team set up camp at the bottom of the English Premier […]
LUCKIEST MAN IN NEW ZEALAND: Foster A Strong Chance To Win Powerball This Weekend
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport WHY WOULDN’T HE BUY A TICKET? After somehow keeping his job despite poor results overall, it is fair to say that All Blacks coach Ian Foster has solidified his place as the luckiest man in New Zealand. It was for this reason that he marched into his local lotto shop and […]
Hamilton Man Still Appears Surprised To Find Out That Parliament Is A Snake Pit
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics “JUST CAN’T BELIEVE IT” Hamilton West MP Gaurav Sharma is still in a state of disbelief that the political party he joined is a breeding ground for back-stabbing, lies and deceit. This is in contrast to what most kiwis know for certain, which is that no matter what side they’re on, […]
Auckland Husband Does His Best Surprised Face After Wife Buys Gift With Shared Credit Card
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National DIDN’T SEE IT COMING! Darren Dwyer, 30, did his best to act surprised today. That’s because his wife of four years, Clara, purchased him a 82 piece toolset for $99.98 at Mitre10 using their shared credit card, something Darren regularly checks up on from his banking app. The Whakataki Times reporters […]
REPORT: NZ Rugby No Longer Interested In Results
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport YEAH, NAH New Zealand Rugby have confirmed today they are no longer interested in the All Blacks’ results or performance on the rugby pitch. This was after NZ Rugby and Chief Executive Mark Robinson confirmed that they would be retaining All Blacks head coach Ian Foster, despite a string of poor […]
Morning Jog, Late Drama: Local Bloke Pins The Ears Back For Final Hundy
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local SPRINT FINISH Sporadic fitness enthusiast Reese Kearns has put on an unexpected spurt of enthusiasm at the end of his run this morning, pinning the ears back and romping home over the final 100 metres. After getting a shock earlier in the week to find that he had effortlessly put on […]
Aucklander Absolutely Flummoxed That Friend Is Moving To Wellington
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National COOLEST LITTLE CAPITAL? Blake Eaton was almost thrown off balance today when he heard his good mate Chris Avery was making the move to Wellington. “I nearly had a turn when he said he was moving down there. I was thinking, what on earth would he do that for? Must have […]
Straight From The Ardern Playbook: NZRU Executes Announcement About Announcement
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National COMMS 101 Yesterday NZRU Chief Executive Mark Robinson employed a tactic that is usually reserved for Jacinda Ardern’s communications team. Robinson called a bizarre press conference late in the day, which provided absolutely nothing of substance, effectively wasting multiple journalists’ time just before the 6pm news bulletins. In fact, all Robinson […]
