Middle New Zealander Reports Marked Improvement In General Wellness After All Blacks Win
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport MOVING BACK TO NORMALITY Self-described “middle New Zealander”, Isaac Barnham breezed through his Sunday today, with a feeling that maybe things were going to be okay after all. It comes as the All Blacks silenced critics in their 35-23 win over South Africa – redemption for the players and coach. But […]
Two Men Agree To Future Beer With No Set Date
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture WILL DEFINITELY CATCH UP SOON! Jake Adams and Mark Parkin, both 26, hadn’t seen each other in a very long time. But after the two high school acquaintances bumped into each other on Queen Street in the Auckland CBD, they both agreed on something that most definitely won’t happen. A future […]
One-Eyed Cantab Says “It’s About Bloody Time Mo’unga Got A Start.”
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport GET OUT OF IT BEAUDEN! Craig Chamberlain is breathing a bit easier today. The 56 year-old from the Christchurch suburb of Shirley is relieved that mercurial first-five Richie Mo’unga is starting for the All Blacks ahead of Beauden Barrett in their vital clash against the Springboks “Only took them three test […]
PM Steals Backbencher’s Lunch Money And Stuffs Him In His Locker
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics SO KIND.. After Labour MP Gaurav Sharma claimed that the Office of the Prime Minister has been engaged in a “culture of bullying” at Parliament, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has taken the drastic step of stealing his lunch money and stuffing him in his locker. In a proactive step to reassert […]
Hamiltonian Attempts To Defend His Hometown With The Phrase “Nah Hamilton’s All Good”
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National NOTHING WRONG WITH IT! Ollie Fraser, 23, did all he really could for his hometown today. The apprentice plumber, (currently living in Auckland) was under the pump, not with his day job, but because his co-workers were taking the piss out of him because of the fact he is from what […]
Card Stacking Champion Brought In By National Party To Help Build Stability
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Politics HOUSE OF CARDS! National are tonight making serious moves to rebuild their once stable, reliable, boring party. Leader Christopher Luxon has called in American card stacking champion Bryan Berg to help build stability for his troubled party, which has been falling over recently after a spate of blunders by sitting MPs. […]
“Told You Not To Go Into Politics You Bloody Idiot” Says Uffindell’s Old Man
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics “COULDN’T HELP YOURSELF, COULD YA!” As if National MP Sam Uffindell didn’t have enough to deal with at the moment, with more allegations coming to light about a pattern of violent behaviour, the embattled member for Tauranga has just received an earful from his old man. “I told you, didn’t I?! […]
SHOCK REVELATION: Private Boarding School Kid Turns Out To Be A Prick
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National WOW, REALLY? In ground breaking news today, it has been confirmed that a student who attended the exclusive private boarding school, King’s College in Auckland, turns out to be a bit of a prick. Sam Uffindell, the new National MP attended the prestigious school in the early 2000s, where it was […]
Foster Lucky His Lack Of Public Support Doesn’t Have Polling Data Backing It Up
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport “PHEW, NO KANTAR POLL FOR ME!” All Blacks coach Ian Foster has dug deep and found something to be thankful for. The under-fire coach is fortunate there is no real concrete proof that All Blacks fans around the country are completely disgruntled with him and that his public support is at […]
Struggling Auckland Family Of Four Only Half Joking About Planned Ram Raid
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National DESPERATE TIMES Henderson family of four, the Rolstons were only half joking when they told the Whakataki Times about a violent smash and grab they had planned for the local dairy. “Oh haha yeah, well that’s the way we’ll be heading if petrol gets any dearer!” laughed dad Joel, 38, as […]
