Local Woman Desperately Missing Damian McKenzie Who Is Unavailable For All Blacks Selection
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport THAT SMILE… THAT DAMN SMILE Hannah McPhail, 22, feels like she’s been ghosted by Chiefs and All Blacks rugby player Damian McKenzie this year. The latest dagger came after seeing the All Blacks team list to play Ireland with McKenzie’s name still missing from the team sheet. The AUT accounting student, […]
Jaws Of Life Called Upon To Open Whittakers Peanut Slab
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local MISSION IMPOSSIBLE! Jake Evans was no match for his Whittaker’s Peanut Slab today. That’s because the 24 year-old retail assistant from Timaru did not have the physical strength or perseverance required to simply open the 50g chocolate treat. “If you look at it, there’s literally no leeway between the wrapping and […]
NZRU Receives Negative RAT Test Allegedly Belonging To Razor Robertson
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics The New Zealand Rugby Union today received a plain envelope containing a negative RAT test. It is believed to belong to six time championship winning Crusaders coach Scott “Razor” Robertson, as the envelope also contained a picture of him holding the RAT in one hand, and a copy of today’s Dominion […]
LATE KICK OFF: Kiwi Origin Fan Likely To Give Up And Go To Bed At Halftime
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport IT’S JUST SO LATE Kane Sampson, 27, is all set for a big night in front of the TV watching State of Origin 2 tonight. But he’s unlikely to see out the second half of the match between the NSW Blues and his beloved Qld Maroons due to the simple fact […]
Public Servant Parents Desperately Try To Teach Their Four Year Old About The Meaning Of Matariki
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National LOOK WE’RE BEING GOOD JACINDA Laura and Sam McKenzie have done their duty as true believers in the Ardern regime today, as they taught their son Arlo, 4, all about the significance of Matariki. The parents, who are currently working at the Ministry of Education as policy advisors, were keen to […]
LE SNAK CANCELLED. Local Mum Forced To Spend 30 Seconds Slicing Cheese To Go With Crackers
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local TOO MUCH TO ASK! Local mother of three Annette Barker, 39, was in a state of despair today. “Oh you’ve got to be kidding me!” she screeched. The outburst came following news that the iconic lunchbox filler Le Snak will be discontinued after 30 years. It means the mother of three […]
CABINET RESHUFFLE: Chris Hipkins Takes On New Role As Minister Of Apologies
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics SORRY! Former Covid response Minister Chris Hipkins has been doing so much apologising lately that PM Jacinda Ardern has made him the new Minister of Apologies. Following his apology to Charlotte Bellis for comments about her MIQ application, Hipkins is now being called on to apologise to all pregnant women ignored […]
Local Boozehound Half-Heartedly Registers For Dry July
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture WILL DEFINITELY GO THE MONTH! Jayden Barnett, 26, was kidding nobody as he shared a link to his freshly created Dry July account on social media. ‘Thought I’d support a great cause this July. Donate what you can.’ Barnett posted on his personal Facebook page. However the likelihood that the regular […]
Scott Robertson Only Five More Super Rugby Titles Away From Being Considered For All Blacks Job
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport GETTING CLOSER! Scott ‘Razor’ Robertson is now as close as he’s ever been to becoming All Blacks head coach. That’s after the New Zealand Rugby Union revealed to the Crusaders supercoach that they may consider him as a potential candidate for the top job, if he simply wins another five straight […]
Razor Loads Up Flattened Cardboard Boxes Into The Team Bus Just In Case Eden Park’s No Good For Breakdancing
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport THE LAST DANCE! Crusaders coach Scott ‘Razor’ Robertson refuses to disappoint fans tonight. With the Super Rugby Final against the Blues, fans are not only expecting his team to perform, they’re also anticipating Razor’s trademark breakdance routine should the Crusaders win. To eliminate any doubt, the legendary celebrator of Super Rugby […]
