“I Bleed Maroon” Says Kiwi With No Connection To Australia
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport PROUD QUEENSLANDER! Daniel Russell, 28, has once again proudly and publicly pledged his allegiance to the Queensland Maroons ahead of tonight’s State of Origin game 1 in Sydney. That’s despite him not having a single drop of blood or bone in his body that is linked to Queensland or Australia in […]
Slow ATM User Oblivious To The Rage Of The Woman Behind Her
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture HURRY UP!! Kelly Shepherd has never experienced anything quite like the rage she felt at an ANZ ATM on Queen Street, Auckland today. “Oh you’ve got to be kidding me!” exclaimed Shepherd, 36, as an unknown woman went back and forth between options on the touch screen. The Whakataki Times reporters […]
Dad Shuts Down All Complaints About The Rain By Saying “It’ll Be Good For The Tanks”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local THE FARMERS WILL BE HAPPY 65 year old Dave McDonald has forced his adult children to bring their comments about the current wet weather to an abrupt halt, pulling out a classic line that he’s had in the back pocket for over 40 years. “The rain’ll be good for the tanks […]
21 Year Old Buys First Home Through Hard Work, Determination And Oh No Wait Her Dad Bought It
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National OH K THAT MAKES SENSE Wellington retail assistant Chloe Warburton has shown us that it is possible for a 21 year old to buy their own home if you get your head down, work hard, be frugal with your money and.. oh hang on no, wait her dad bought it for […]
Local Psychopath Refuses To Hit ‘Skip Intro’ On Netflix Series
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local JUST HIT SKIP FFS! Cameron Elkington’s flatmate Mike Hallworth did not know what he had got himself into when he sat down to binge “The Office” on a rainy Thursday afternoon. He was forced to look on in horror as one of the worst TV-watching sins against humanity was committed. Elkington […]
NEAR MISS: Biden Narrowly Avoids Dying Of Old Age While Talking To Ardern
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Politics PHEW! US President Joe Biden is a man lucky to be alive today. Biden’s near death experience came after getting a taste of how excruciating it is to listen to New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern get to the point of whatever it is she’s saying. The NZ public will sympathise […]
TVNZ Agrees Breakfast Show Would Be Easier To Manage With Just An Empty Couch
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National NO PEOPLE NO PROBLEM! TVNZ management have taken a bold step in a new direction today. The executives at TVNZ’s Auckland headquarters have given themselves a pat on the back after agreeing that a surefire way to prevent crises involving Breakfast presenters is to simply not have any. The Whakataki Times […]
LABOUR DOWN AND OUT: Hosking Buys Fresh Pair Of Doc Martens To Stick The Boot In Tomorrow Morning
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics FOOT ON THE THROAT TIME Conservative talkback host Mike Hosking has a spring in his step this evening as the latest Kantar Poll shows National holding steady at 39%, with Labour dropping 2 points to 35%. Earlier in the day Hosking had a good feeling that he would be getting the […]
“Scoreline Didn’t Reflect How We Played” Lies Bloke Who Just Lost 80-0
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport WE STARTED WELL THOUGH! Scottie Gibson, 26, is preparing for a tough night ahead after being utterly humiliated in his B grade division match in Christchurch today. Arriving at his mate’s house to watch the latest Super Rugby Pacific Game between the Blues and Waratahs, the openside flanker went prescripted with […]
CONFIRMED: Work Drinks Just A Chance To Bitch About The Company
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture DEFINITELY GOING TO QUIT! Like a pack of zombies, employees at Solutions Infinity turned up to their regular watering hole in Wellington, ready to unload on their company that they love to hate. “Right, I need a drink!” barked Vanessa Lees, who was storming up to the bar and seemed like […]
