ASH’S LEAVING DRINKS: Dr Ashley Bloomfield Confirms It’ll Be Time For A Bloody Beer
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National NO SPRITES FOR ME THIS TIME THANKS With the news of Dr Ashley Bloomfield stepping down in July, the Director-General of Health has already begun planning his absolute blow-out of a leaving drinks. “Ooh it’ll be a big night alright, already started booking things in. Can’t say too much though,” he […]
Corporate Wellness Officer Cancels Mindfulness Training And Starts Dishing Out Free Piss And Durries
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National WORKPLACE MORALE CRISIS Corporate Wellness Officer Nicki Baker has given up on traditional ways of keeping morale up in the workplace during a pandemic, and has opted instead for good old-fashioned workplace perks, namely home-delivered care packages of free alcohol and tobacco. It is fair to say the public service HR […]
NZTA Confirms Transmission Gully Opening Was An Early April Fools Prank
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National CLOSED INDEFINITELY The New Zealand Transport Agency has confirmed that yesterday’s “opening” of Transmission Gully after years of delays, was indeed a premature April Fools prank. NZTA spokesperson Jonathan Davies has explained that the overdue 27-kilometre project, allegedly “completed” two days ago, will in fact remain very much closed and several […]
FAKE NEWS ALERT: Reports Of Delayed Transmission Gully Actually Opening
ROSEMARY ABBOTT| National MISINFORMATION! The Whakataki Times can confirm that news of the much-delayed Transmission Gully being opened today, is indeed fake. The clarity comes as multiple media outlets tried to convince New Zealanders that the never-ending motorway project north of Wellington, was somehow “completed” and declared “ready” for motorists to use on Thursday. Media […]
MJ Hopeful That Will Smith Slap Meme Will Make People Forget About Crying Jordan
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture THE LAST CHANCE! Michael Jordan, one of the most iconic athletes in history is quietly hopeful that there is one thing he won’t end up holding the title of. That being the ‘Greatest Meme Of All Time’ accolade. Jordan’s new found optimism comes after Oscar award winning actor Will Smith slapped […]
OVERSHADOWED: Jane Campion Now Wishing She Had Slapped Chris Rock Too
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture IN HINDSIGHT! Kiwi Director Jane Campion, who won the Oscar for Best Director this year, is now wishing she had done something over the top and ridiculous at the ceremony, after missing out on the proper acknowledgement she deserves. Campion, who foolishly behaved normally throughout the whole evening and then accepted […]
Desperately Boring Irrelevant Oscars Spice Things Up A Bit
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture WHAT A HOLLYWOOD! After several years of headlines about being “out of touch” and “racist”, the Oscars have spiced things up a bit this year by getting their best actor, Will Smith to slap host Chris Rock for making a joke about his wife. Instead of the same old Oscar host […]
Older Gentleman Determined To Keep Scanning In Everywhere
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National CAN’T BE STOPPED! Dennis Kemp, 68, could not be stopped from doing what he loves the most today. The Blenhiem retiree was unnecessarily scanning in to all places he visited via his New Zealand Covid tracer app, despite the Government removing the requirement to do so and contact tracing stopping well […]
Local Bloke YouTubes Bulldogs-Era SBW Highlights Following Boxing Knockout
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport JUST LIKE THE OLD DAYS! Mark Macfarlane, 32, has felt like he’s wound back the years today. The Whakaktaki local recently watched former code-hopping megastar Sonny Bill Williams destroy AFL legend Barry Hall inside two minutes. “Ha geez, did you see that knockout from S-B- Dub last night?” Macfarlane asked with […]
Country Painfully Aware That There’s No 2 x Playback Speed Button For PM’s Covid Briefings
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics GET TO THE POINT! The Prime Minister has once again bored the nation half to death with this morning’s announcement, by taking an excruciatingly long time to get to the point. The basic laws of time and space have proven to be a real nuisance, with many kiwis now wishing that […]
