EVENT CANCELLATION NIGHTMARE: 22-Year-Old Filthy About Not Getting Festival Content For The Gram
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture MISSING IN ACTION! Regular festival-goer Tara Chamberlain, 22, was as disappointed as her male Instagram followers were after failing to post a single photo of herself scantily-clad at a popular event this summer. The setback comes as premier music festival Rhythm and Vines was cancelled after an original postponement to April. […]
Known School Liar Continues To Tear The Fabric Of His Own Reality
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local BUT IT WASN’T ME MISS Whakataki High School student and well-known liar Victor Peterson has denied allegations that he punched and kicked Umar Kranston, a new Year 9 student, three years his junior last week. This was despite multiple witness accounts that he bloody well did. “He punched himself miss! He’s […]
Rising Cost Of Petrol Certain To Force Dan Carter Out Of Retirement
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport IN THE SAME BOAT! Daniel Carter, considered one of the greatest players in rugby history, is rumoured to be rejoining the workforce as a professional player due the soaring cost of petrol. The Whakataki Times spoke to witnesses who saw the former All Black’s perplexed look as he glanced up at […]
WTF?: Australia Complains About 91 Unleaded at $2.21 Per Litre
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National HEY SORRY TO HEAR THAT! New Zealanders have wholeheartedly offered their condolences to Australians who are all of a sudden suffering pain at the petrol pump, with prices going up to a whopping $2.21 for Unleaded 91. This is noting of course that the kiwi dollar has been worth around ninety-something […]
NATIONAL UP IN THE POLLS: Hosking Arrives At Work Three Hours Early Out Of Pure Excitement
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics HASN’T SLEPT. Talkback radio host Mike Hosking turned up for his breakfast show three hours earlier than usual today, after a very positive TVNZ 1 News Kantar Poll for National last night. After seeing National take the lead in the polls, surging 7 points to 39 percent, Hosking has understandably been […]
Smile Unable To Be Wiped From Cyclist’s Face As Petrol Prices Soar
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National RIDE TO SURVIVE! Greg Matthews’ cheeks were still sore from grinning when he burst through the door of his employer this morning. Matthews, a retail assistant at All Sports Whanganui, was looking happier than he’d ever been, arriving earlier than usual just as petrol prices had ticked over three dollars per […]
Summer Interns at Wellington Law Firm Thrilled To Report Zero Sexual Harassment
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National MODERN DAY MIRACLE! Three Victoria University law students have have miraculously made it through their summer internship at Randall-McClay without having to report any sexual misconduct during their three month stay. Ellie Williamson, Genevieve Cook and Ruby Lewis, all 20, were stoked to not have had to put up with a […]
Weird Angry Guy At Party That Everyone’s Telling To Calm Down Refuses To Calm Down
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local HEY, SETTLE WILL YA? Local misfit Vinny Pullman has made a scene at a Queen Street house party, after his long time crush Ursula Kraus rejected him after he claimed that they “belonged together”. “Ursula! We belong together my darling, your people and my people are the same!” he was heard […]
Man Has Absolutely No Intention Of Checking Out Of Hotel Before 10 AM
The receptionist at Wellington’s Oriental Plaza may as well have kept the check-out time to herself when Mike Gillespie turned up on Friday afternoon.
Gillespie, 29, checked into the hotel ahead of his mate Steve’s stag do in the city. Gillespie had happily signed up for minimal sober hours during a two-day pub crawl along Wellington’s Courtenay Place and beyond.
Katie Billingsley, the 24 year old who was working on reception at the time, explained to the Whakataki Times that she may as well have just handed Gillespie his room key without a word. Then at least he could just march himself up to his room without having to lie to her face about 10 o’clock Sunday being an achievable checkout time.
Man Places Radical $20 TAB Bet On The Crusaders To Win
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport WHOA! ARE YOU SURE? Joel Jacobson, 28, got the hearts of his office colleagues racing today as he coolly deposited $20 onto his TAB app and outrageously placed it all on a Crusaders head-to-head victory over Super Rugby’s newest team Moana Pasifika. “Gee mate, are you really sure about that one?” […]
