Summer Interns at Wellington Law Firm Thrilled To Report Zero Sexual Harassment
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National MODERN DAY MIRACLE! Three Victoria University law students have have miraculously made it through their summer internship at Randall-McClay without having to report any sexual misconduct during their three month stay. Ellie Williamson, Genevieve Cook and Ruby Lewis, all 20, were stoked to not have had to put up with a […]
Weird Angry Guy At Party That Everyone’s Telling To Calm Down Refuses To Calm Down
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local HEY, SETTLE WILL YA? Local misfit Vinny Pullman has made a scene at a Queen Street house party, after his long time crush Ursula Kraus rejected him after he claimed that they “belonged together”. “Ursula! We belong together my darling, your people and my people are the same!” he was heard […]
Man Has Absolutely No Intention Of Checking Out Of Hotel Before 10 AM
The receptionist at Wellington’s Oriental Plaza may as well have kept the check-out time to herself when Mike Gillespie turned up on Friday afternoon.
Gillespie, 29, checked into the hotel ahead of his mate Steve’s stag do in the city. Gillespie had happily signed up for minimal sober hours during a two-day pub crawl along Wellington’s Courtenay Place and beyond.
Katie Billingsley, the 24 year old who was working on reception at the time, explained to the Whakataki Times that she may as well have just handed Gillespie his room key without a word. Then at least he could just march himself up to his room without having to lie to her face about 10 o’clock Sunday being an achievable checkout time.
Man Places Radical $20 TAB Bet On The Crusaders To Win
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport WHOA! ARE YOU SURE? Joel Jacobson, 28, got the hearts of his office colleagues racing today as he coolly deposited $20 onto his TAB app and outrageously placed it all on a Crusaders head-to-head victory over Super Rugby’s newest team Moana Pasifika. “Gee mate, are you really sure about that one?” […]
“Good Fucking Riddance” Says Nation
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National FINALLY SOME FREEDOM! With the 23 day protest coming to an end on Parliament grounds this afternoon, the Whakataki Times sought comment from New Zealanders on the breaking news. “Thank fuck!” – Brianna Wilson. “Glad that shit-show’s over” – Adrian Taylor. “About fucking time. Nice to actually be free in my […]
Mask-Wearers Passing By Parliament Mainly Trying To Block Out The Smell Of Poos And Wees
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National DUAL-PURPOSE FACE MASKS After surveying 200 masked pedestrians on Molesworth Street on Monday, the Whakataki Times can report that 70% of respondents said their primary reason for their face covering was to stop the smell of human excrement at the anti-mandate drum and bass music festival. Of that 70%, the second […]
Local News Junkie Remembers When The Biggest Controversy Was The Colour Of A Dress
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture BLACK OR GOLD? Juliet Emerson, 27, has had a refreshing wave of nostalgia wash over her after seeing the ‘The dress’ pop up on her Facebook ‘Memories’ this morning. “Ah, it’s definitely still black and blue,” the Whakataki marketing assistant said to herself with confidence, while reminiscing about a simpler time […]
New Dad Accepts Toys All Over The Floor As ‘The New Normal’
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local GIVEN UP THE WILL TO LIVE Local project manager Matthew Haughton has begun to realise exactly what it means to be a new father, having recently accepted an infuriating level of mess as ‘the new normal’. “Ah well, I guess this is just my life now”, sighed the broken man. In […]
Freedom Enthusiast Reckons Maybe Vaccine Mandates Aren’t So Bad Compared To Military Conscription
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National With World War 3 just around the corner, local anti-vaxxer and parliament festival-goer Jayden Wild has had a few of his personal beliefs put into perspective. “Yeah bit of an eye-opener ay, this Ukraine carry-on. People are talking as if it could be another world war. I’m pretty sure that in […]
BIRTHDAY DISASTER! Disappointed Rangi Ruru Girls Student Receives New BMW Instead of Keys To First Home
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture WORST 16TH BIRTHDAY EVER! Tayla Davies,16, was sobbing uncontrollaby at her parents’ Merivale house in Christchurch this morning, after receiving a brand new BMW 5 Series instead of keys to her first home as a 16th birthday present. “Daaaaadddd!! What the hell is this?!” screamed the distraught birthday girl from her […]
