Local Bloke Fraudulently Says He’ll Get Up For Dawn Service
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National GOOD INTENTIONS! Jake Symons, 26, has fooled absolutely nobody after making the outlandish claim that he’ll be getting up at the crack of dawn on a public holiday for the Anzac service. “Nah I’ll be up! I’ve got the alarm set for 5:30am, I get up most weekdays at this time […]
Aussie Super Rugby Teams Offered ‘Mercy Rule’ To Avoid Total Humiliation By Kiwis This Weekend
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport JUST LOOKING OUT FOR A MATE The Australian teams have been offered a much needed lifeline this weekend, with the introduction of the ‘Mercy Rule‘, in what’s likely to be a Super Rugby bloodbath. The new law would mean that any Australian Super Rugby team could have the game called off […]
Office Covid Update Enthusiast No Longer Telling People Daily Case Numbers
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local END OF AN ERA Jan Wainwright, a team administrator at Whakataki Holdings Ltd, has apparently lost interest in the daily reports of rampant disease in this country, as she has stopped giving her co-workers helpful updates about case numbers of COVID-19. It has now been more than three weeks since Wainwright […]
REPORT: Auckland Couples Trying To Get On The Property Ladder Could Not Give a Fuck About ‘Character’ Homes
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National KNOCK EM DOWN! The Whakataki Institute Of Property Investment has released a report finding that 9 out of 10 prospective first home buyers “could not give a fuck” about retaining ‘heritage’ houses built before 1940. The report comes as Auckland Council announced changes to zoning that would open up 5000 ‘character’ […]
Local Bloke Attempts To Brush Over The Fact That He’s From Palmy
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National AWW GUMMON PALMY’S ALL GOOD! Jay Walker, 22, foolishly presumed drinks at an inner city Wellington flat would go unpunished this weekend. “So where are you from anyway?” asked Michael Williams, a clinical psychology student at Wellington’s Victoria University. “Not too far from here. Just up the road actually haha,” Walker […]
Local Woman Claims She’ll Gym All Next Week After Scoffing Back 8th Creme Egg
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local HAVE THE TREATS, THEN DO THE MAHI! Amy Dollimore, 22 has disgraced herself this Easter Sunday. “Shut up! I couldn’t help it!!” screeched Dollimore to the Whakataki Times reporters with her mouth still full of her eighth Cadbury Creme egg. Dollimore, who had promised herself just one Creme egg, lost all […]
Beauden Barrett’s Eyeballs Get Stuck During Eye-roll After Inevitable Media Question About Battle With Mo’unga 
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport HAD TO ASK DIDN’T THEY! Blues first-five Beauden Barrett is in serious danger of missing the hotly anticipated clash against the Crusaders tonight, after his eyeballs became stuck during his regular media duties. With no shortage of the Barrett-Mo’unga chat this week, ahead of the top-of-the table clash in Christchurch, one […]
Nurse Quietly Suffers Through Non-Nurse Friends’ Chat About Their Three Short Weeks
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National NOT GETTING UP TO MUCH! Caitlyn Brunner, 24, a nurse at the Canterbury District Health Board, has had a wave of anxiety wash over her after fielding multiple questions from her friends about her non-existent plans for the Easter and Anzac period. With Good Friday, Easter Monday, followed by Anzac Day, […]
ACC Expects Rise In ACL Knee Injuries When Nightclubs Reintroduce Orange Level Stand Up Dancing
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National DON’T FORGET TO STRETCH! With the Government’s imminent move to the orange traffic light setting, clubbers are delighted to be allowed to hit the d floors again this weekend. However ACC Head of Injury Prevention Isaac Carter is predicting a spike in ACL knee injuries due to lack of coordination and […]
Couple Spends Full Hour Looking For Something To Watch On Netflix Then Goes To Bed
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local ONLY THING THEY CAN AGREE ON Indefinitely engaged couple Jake Ainsley and Charlotte Bovey have once again failed to decide on a movie to watch on Netflix. After just over an hour of browsing, the Whakataki locals gave up hope of finding mutually acceptable entertainment, and marched off to bed instead. […]
