DJ Omicron To Headline Rhythm and Hills Music Festival
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture The Whakataki region’s premier music festival, Rhythm and Hills, announced this morning that British dance music legend DJ Omicron will headline the festival this year. The very vaccinated DJ, responsible for such drum and bass classics as Three Negative Tests, No Symptoms and Everyone At The Festival Has To Be Vaccinated […]
Man Heavily Sedated After Four Beers In The Sun
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local Dave McMillian, 44, was not under general anaesthetic for a serious medical procedure today, but to our reporters that’s exactly what it looked like. Neighbours explained to the Whakataki Times that the financial consultant had indulged in his fourth 330mL crafty APA, just as the heat ticked over to 31 degrees […]
Sunblock In Eyes Worse Than Being Pepper Sprayed
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National Cam Jones, 23, was all set for a relaxing summer’s day at Waihi Beach today. But any thoughts of the day being remotely enjoyable were immediately thrown into utter chaos after the construction labourer rubbed sunscreen directly into his eyes. ‘Arrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fucking hell!’, cried Jones, whose eyeballs were now completely on […]
Woman Disappointed With Green Pals Purchase As Out-Of-Stock Purple Cans Look Better On Instagram
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local NEW YEAR’S EVE DISASTER! Alice Robertson, 22, had her New Year’s Eve plans completley derailed this afternoon. “Are you fucking serious? I’m so done!” she barked at an empty shelf in the chiller at Turner’s Liquor Store. Roberston’s severe depressive episode began after confirmation that the Peach Passion Fruit and Soda […]
Disturbing Character On Plane Heeds Every Single Flight Crew Instruction
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National RED FLAG! Graeme Simmons has drawn an unwelcome amount of attention to himself today. Alarm bells went off as the 48 year-old data analyst incomprehensibly chose to obey every single flight crew instruction on an Air New Zealand flight from Napier to Wellington. “I couldn’t help myself. The rules are there […]
Wellington Local Transfers $100 From Savings Ahead Of Ordering Two Craft Beers
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National JUST TO BE SAFE. Jacob Bentley had accepted his financial fate this afternoon as he stepped into a painfully trendy bar on Wellington’s Cuba Street. Bentley, a 31-year-old plasterer currently flatting in the Wellington suburb of Mornington, made the trip into town to catch up with an old mate. “We hadn’t […]
Man Feels Like He’s Defused A Bomb After Successfully Entering Wifi Password On Back of Router
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local PRESSURE COOKER! Scott Harper was preparing for a relatively mundane trip to Aunty Susan’s this morning. “Just thought I’d pop in to say thanks for the Christmas present and be on my way” said the 21 year-old building apprentice from Hawkes Bay. But this stock standard holiday season visit was about […]
Rebel Sport Staff Prepare For Tsunami Of Eleven-Year-Olds With Vouchers At Boxing Day Sale
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National It’s gameday for Rebel Sport team leader Tania Te Rangi today. “These are the days where you have to turn up. Must be switched on. Not nervous, just excited for a big day!” With tens of thousands of eleven-year-olds receiving Rebel Sport gift vouchers from their aunties for Christmas yesterday, Te […]
Uncle Cuts To The Chase And Gets Insanely Drunk and Obnoxious At Christmas Lunch
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture Local Whakataki Uncle Darryl Clifton was a man on a mission today. The used car salesman, 58, proudly resumed his role as the loud and vulgar member of the family, and decided to leave no doubt ahead of his big day. Christmas Day for many misfit family members around New Zealand […]
Local Bloke Shredding For RnV Not Tracking Well And Relieved With Postponement
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME. It’s Christmas come early for Damian Hayes today. The 23 year-old landscaper from Gisborne was relieved to learn that New Zealand’s premier music festival Rhythm and Vines had been postponed. His relief came after three months of failing to exercise or eat well, and not […]
