Desperately Boring Irrelevant Oscars Spice Things Up A Bit
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture WHAT A HOLLYWOOD! After several years of headlines about being “out of touch” and “racist”, the Oscars have spiced things up a bit this year by getting their best actor, Will Smith to slap host Chris Rock for making a joke about his wife. Instead of the same old Oscar host […]
Older Gentleman Determined To Keep Scanning In Everywhere
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National CAN’T BE STOPPED! Dennis Kemp, 68, could not be stopped from doing what he loves the most today. The Blenhiem retiree was unnecessarily scanning in to all places he visited via his New Zealand Covid tracer app, despite the Government removing the requirement to do so and contact tracing stopping well […]
Local Bloke YouTubes Bulldogs-Era SBW Highlights Following Boxing Knockout
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport JUST LIKE THE OLD DAYS! Mark Macfarlane, 32, has felt like he’s wound back the years today. The Whakaktaki local recently watched former code-hopping megastar Sonny Bill Williams destroy AFL legend Barry Hall inside two minutes. “Ha geez, did you see that knockout from S-B- Dub last night?” Macfarlane asked with […]
Country Painfully Aware That There’s No 2 x Playback Speed Button For PM’s Covid Briefings
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics GET TO THE POINT! The Prime Minister has once again bored the nation half to death with this morning’s announcement, by taking an excruciatingly long time to get to the point. The basic laws of time and space have proven to be a real nuisance, with many kiwis now wishing that […]
Still No Announcement From Government As Whole Press Gallery Dies Of Old Age
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics WAITING AN ARDERNITY. As the country waits for the government’s latest announcement of an announcement about vaccine mandates, we are sad to report that every single journalist in the press gallery has passed away today, due to natural causes. It’s a dark day in the government’s covid response, with the time […]
Local Woman Visualises Horrific House Fire After Thinking She Left Her Hair Straightener On
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture Steph Evans, 23, has convinced herself that her flat is now fully engulfed in flames after believing that the hair straightener she turned off before work, was in fact left on. “Oh my god! Did I even turn it off?” Evans manically asked herself as she stopped in the middle of […]
Hipkins Wishing His Positive RAT Could Have Come During Charlotte Bellis Fiasco
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics COULD HAVE USED THE TIME OFF Covid-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins is thinking about what could have been, after a recent RAT detected COVID-19 in his mucus sample. This comes a month and a half after the Charlotte-Bellis-Afghanistan-pregnancy-MIQ PR disaster, where he could have used a break from work. Yesterday he […]
New Finance Spokesperson Nicola Willis Urged To Take Up Simon Bridges’ Accent Too
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics NAWT THA SAAAME WITH-OWT SOYYYMON Following the shock departure of National’s finance spokesperson Simon Bridges, a party insider has revealed that there is internal pressure on Nicola Willis to not only take on Simon’s finance portfolio, but also his distinctly unique New Zealand accent. The anonymous insider said that there was […]
EVENT CANCELLATION NIGHTMARE: 22-Year-Old Filthy About Not Getting Festival Content For The Gram
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture MISSING IN ACTION! Regular festival-goer Tara Chamberlain, 22, was as disappointed as her male Instagram followers were after failing to post a single photo of herself scantily-clad at a popular event this summer. The setback comes as premier music festival Rhythm and Vines was cancelled after an original postponement to April. […]
Known School Liar Continues To Tear The Fabric Of His Own Reality
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local BUT IT WASN’T ME MISS Whakataki High School student and well-known liar Victor Peterson has denied allegations that he punched and kicked Umar Kranston, a new Year 9 student, three years his junior last week. This was despite multiple witness accounts that he bloody well did. “He punched himself miss! He’s […]
