Dad Secures Early Billy T Award Nomination With “Haven’t Seen You All Year” Gag
LOCK IT IN.
Bryan Thompson, a dad from Lower Hutt, has stunned the local comedy scene and managed to secure an early nomination for the prestigious Billy T Award with his cutting-edge, “Haven’t seen you all year” joke.
Thompson, known for his dad jokes and irresistible puns, unleashed his comedic prowess at a New Year’s Day barbecue, leaving friends and family in stitches with his timing and delivery that only a true comedy legend could master.
Man Starting On Beers At Midday Under Impression He’ll Make It To Midnight Countdown
BIG SHIFT.
Brad Owens, a 25-year-old from Wellington, is embarking on a New Year’s mission of epic proportions in the Coromandel this year.
Armed with an 18-pack of Heinekens, Brad had become fully convinced that starting on beers at midday was the key to making it to the midnight countdown with both wit and wits intact.
After returning from the supermarket with enough alcohol to last a few days, at 12:02pm Brad cracked open a beer, which piqued the interest of his mates nearby..
Mum Hinting That Adult Children Staying For Xmas Should Maybe Consider Going Home Now
TWO WEEK TURMOIL.
The holiday harmony turned into a symphony of chaos for Tauranga mother Claire Hill today. The 59-year-old found herself entangled in a web of mayhem orchestrated by her adult children — Zoe, 28; Daniel, 27; and Emily, 23.
The trio, usually scattered between Auckland and Wellington for work, descended upon the Hill family home for a festive summer reunion.
“It’s like living in a tornado,” Claire confided, adjusting her spectacles and sighing deeply. “I love my kids, but I’m not used to them all being at home at the same time.”
Concerns Over Powerade Shortage as Christmas Hangovers Linger
WHAT A HEADACHE!
As the nation prepares for an absolute rager this New Year’s, there is widespread public concern that enduring Christmas hangovers could be set to spoil the fun. The Whakataki Times spoke to locals, to get their take on this issue of national significance.
“The most pressing concern for all of us at the moment is a local shortage of Powerade,” lamented Whakataki Business Association Chair, Garrett Veitch.
The influx of holiday-makers to Whakataki this season had proved a boon for local bottle shops and campgrounds, Veitch explained, “but our local dairies and Four Squares have struggled to meet the need for blue energy drinks.”
Man Follows Up Christmas Lunch With Shame-Induced Boxing Day Run
MAKING UP FOR IT.
Taupo based Christmas overeater Matt Murchison is trying to make amends today.
True to form, the 31 year old absolutely gorged himself on rich foods and desserts yesterday, so much so that he woke up this morning with what he described as a “food hangover”, which he layered over top of his regular hangover.
“God I felt average this morning. Like two hangovers at the same time. Something had to be done,” he said, clearly feeling the shame of it all.
Uncle Doesn’t Muck Around Getting Obnoxiously Hammered At Christmas Lunch
CHRISTMAS CARNAGE.
Craig Mitchell wasted no time diving headfirst into the festive spirits at his sister Claire’s house in Nelson today..
The 58 year-old, who once again had not offered to host Christmas at his house, turned up with a 12 pack of beers and looked more than ready to signal the commencement of another hot Kiwi Christmas.
“Cheers, everyone! Let the festivities begin!” boomed Uncle Craig, cracking open his first beer before anyone else had thought about a drink.
35 Year-Old Still Very Pleased To Receive Rebel Sport Voucher For Christmas
CHRISTMAS CLASSIC.
Matt Simmonds, a 35-year-old from Nelson has once again found himself delighting in the familiar embrace of a Rebel Sport voucher, courtesy of his well-meaning parents.
“Every year, without fail, I get this Rebel Sport voucher from Mum and Dad. It’s like clockwork. It’s a $50 one this year too, most of my twenties it was just in that $30 range” Matt chuckled, his eyes twinkling with the mirth of a man who knows the annual Rebel Sport voucher routine all too well.
Ungrateful Cat Doesn’t Bother Showing Up For Christmas Even Though We Got Him A Present
Upper Hutt-based tabby, Reggie is in the running for grinch of the year this year.
The three year old tom cat has disappointed his family for the second year running after not making an appearance at the Christmas morning present unwrapping.
The Thompsons, from the suburb of Totara Park, do the first part of their gift giving at 7 o’clock on Christmas morning, as this is about as long as the kids can control themselves.
Christmas Anger Predicted If New Home Owners Do Not Receive Mitre 10 Vouchers
BANKING ON IT.
Steve and Amber Jacobs bought their house just over a year ago now, but are still in dire need of DIY resources.
The couple received vouchers for Mitre 10 and Bunnings last Christmas and found them extensively useful for buying house and garden tools – things that you would never need while flatting.
“Got vouchers from both our parents and Amber’s brother and they were just what we needed,” said Steve, 32, a customer service team leader.
Strung Out 7-Year-Old Enters Seventh Night on Santa Watch
UP PAST BEDTIME!
The nights seem to be getting longer for Dylan Moffat, whose determination to spot Santa’s magical flying sleigh has resulted in serious sleep deprivation.
Speaking to this reporter, the 7-year-old was visibly strung out. Eyes as red as Rudolph’s nose were the most obvious sign that this kid may have been up past bedtime, but the reality was much harsher.
