Kiwi Woman Battling Cost Of Living Crisis Only Half Joking About Selling Feet Pics Online
NAH I WOULDN’T.
23 year old retail worker Hayley Jordan was caught googling the term “FeetFinder” today, after talking to a friend about ways to earn extra money during the cost of living crisis.
“I just wanted to see what the fuss was about, obviously I’m not going to do it,” she said unconvincingly while simultaneously giggling.
This was only days after the Hamiltonian made an off-colour joke about the cost of her grocery bill. Her exact words were “if prices go any higher I might have to sell pictures of my feet to weirdos on the internet”.
Luxon On Cabinet Leaks: “Gee I Feel Rocked. It’s Been So Rocky. I’m Always Getting Rocked By Things”
ROCKED.
Prime Minister Christopher Luxon was visibly shaken this morning, apparently still recovering from having his world rocked last week.
Media reported that the government had been ‘rocked’ by a second cabinet leak in as many weeks.
“Oh man, my world’s been totally turned upside down by this. Completely shook,” he said this morning.
Arsehole Dog Refuses To Shake Off After Swim Unless Right Next To Owner
AAAAARGH F**K OFF!
Maggie Adams’ dog Bella has begun absolutely taking the piss on their daily walks to the beach.
Bella, a 4 year old chocolate labrador, has always loved the water. But she’s no longer content with simply swimming and running her way up the beach, as Maggie leisurely strolls barefoot on the sand.
She’s begun running over to Maggie after every small dip in the water.
“She’ll come straight from swimming to right where I’m walking and shake all the water all over me,” Maggie says.
Increase In Midweek Beers Inspires Auckland CEO To Strategically Give Up On December
LOST CAUSE.
The Chief Executive of a small Auckland insurance firm has made a controversial move late in 2023.
Robert Davies, CEO of Blue Tick Insurance, has noticed the uptick in his staff going for beers early in the afternoon, and has decided to let it be, even if sales end up being flat for the month.
“It’s a strategic decision that will pay off in the long run. The team has worked hard all year and the worst thing I could do for motivation right now would be to get on people’s cases about leaving early,” he said while enjoying a beer in the office himself.
Working Family Feeling The Cost Of Living Crisis Starts Ordering Plain Naan Instead Of Cheese And Garlic
OUCH.
The pain being felt by the ongoing cost of living crisis has hit the Williams family where it hurts.
A regular working family from Lower Hutt, the Williams’ are relatively frugal; Mum Sienna estimates they get takeaways once or twice a month.
“It’s either a bit of a treat or we get it on a day where we’ve been busy and it’s just easier than cooking. The kids love Indian and I spent some time travelling there when I was younger, so it’s a bit of a go-to.”
Kinda Short Man Absolutely Thrilled To Reach Can From The Top Shelf Of Supermarket Aisle
STOKED.
A man of below average height has barely held it together after plucking a can from the very top shelf of his local Pak N Save.
Pakuranga insurance rep Zane O’Connell is often ribbed by his mates for his height. At 5 foot 5, he’s definitely on the short side, but perhaps not as much as his nickname “The Infant” would suggest.
“I’m ok with being short, but the cricket boys take it to the next level,” he says.
However, after this week’s visit to the supermarket, he now has some ammunition to counter all the stick he gets.
Restless MBIE Employee Annoyed To Be Left Out Of Government’s 100 Day Plan
WE WANT CERTAINTY.
Wellington-based policy advisor Jared Johnson saw red this morning, when he discovered that job cuts to his government employer, MBIE, had not been included in the government’s list of priorities for their first 100 days.
It is fair to say that Johnson is sick and tired of his job at the Ministry of Business Innovation and Employment. The man has been positively fizzing ever since he heard that he might be in line for a redundancy.
“Wish they’d hurry up and fire me,” he texted to our reporters during a two hour meeting that he did not contribute to.
Winston Peters Giving Media The Old “Treat Em Mean Keep Em Keen” Treatment
STRINGING THEM ALONG.
Winston Peters has revealed he’s applying lessons learnt as a teenage lothario in his latest dealings with the media.
New Zealand’s new Deputy Prime Minister has wasted no time in taking aim at the media just days into the job, accusing them of taking bribes and claiming he’s “at war” with them.
Peters has long had a reputation for clashing with media, and in an exclusive interview with The Whakataki Times, he has revealed it’s a strategic approach inspired by his early love life.
Media Set To Offer Winston Peters Bag Of Cash To Stop Mentioning All The Bribes
IT’S NOT A BRIBE.
New Zealand’s media has had an absolute gutsful of our new deputy prime minister Winston Peters. From the moment the combative politician regained his position in government, he has been on the attack.
Peters has labelled the Ardern-era “public interest journalism fund” a bribe, mainly because it is taxpayers’ money that media organisations took from the government, under the condition that they would not question the new treaty partnership interpretation, and they would discredit anyone not saying the right things about Covid-19.
A few of the big players are so sick of the bribe-taking allegations, that they have pooled together a bag of cash to send to Peters, hoping this will keep him quiet.
National-Led Government Set To Make Every Single New Zealander Instantly Take Up Smoking
INEVITABLE.
The National-led “coalition of chaos” has horrified journalists at home and abroad this week.
They have just announced a despicable plan to reverse a super smart smokefree law put in place by the best prime minister New Zealand’s ever had, Jacinda Ardern.
The law-reversal means that future generations will be able to legally purchase tobacco in a regulated market if they choose to.
Some thoughtless people will shrug at this development. But what many don’t understand is that this will in fact mean every single New Zealander will now instantly take up smoking as a result.
