Local Weetbix Fiend Still Hopeful For All Blacks Call Up
DARE TO DREAM.
Daniel Sharpe, 29, is a 5-foot little bloke with a wiry frame and grand aspirations, who is still awaiting the coveted All Blacks call-up, fuelled by his daily ritual of consuming Weetbix.
Chiefs Favourites To Beat Crusaders: One Eyed Cantab Not Angry At TAB Just Disappointed
NEVER WRITE THEM OFF.
56-year-old Craig Chamberlain from Shirley got quite the shock today.
FREE TO AIR CRICKET: Grown Man Stoked To Not Have To Use Parents’ SkyGo For Once
ALMOST ADULTING.
33-year-old Matt Johnson has found himself in a state of pure elation as he realised he wouldn’t have to beg, borrow, or steal access to his parents’ SkyGo account to watch the Blackcaps tonight.
Dunedin Student Not Fussed About Rat Infested Countdown As His Flat Isn’t Much Better
HOME AWAY FROM HOME
19-year-old students Ben Dougal and George Baker seem unfazed by the recent closure of Dunedin’s rat-infested Countdown supermarket.
Yo-Pro Goes Against Linkedin Commenting Etiquette And Says Something He Really Thinks
TOXIC POSITIVITY.
A bold mid-level marketing executive has pushed back against the unwritten rules of LinkedIn by leaving a comment that’s not overwhelmingly positive.
Indian Economy In Trouble Following Widening Gap Between Kane Williamson And Virat Kohli
GOT HIS NUMBER.
The Indian economy is reportedly on the brink of collapse as the gap between Kane Williamson and Virat Kohli’s test centuries widens.
Teen Who “Literally Died” Miraculously Still Alive
THE SECOND COMING…
A young Gen Zed-er has defied death itself by telling her friends about the time she passed away.
Beth O’Malley was talking to a friend, casually retelling a mildly embarrassing encounter with the parents of her ex-boyfriend, when she made the stunning revelation.
“…I was just like, ‘Aaahhh’. I literally died,” she concluded.
Single Millennial Maintains Valentine’s Is A Fake Holiday And Is Happy Being Alone
NO I’M FINE.
32 year old Josie Warden has hardened her position on the polarising Valentine’s holiday debate, characterising the day as a scam perpetuated by the chocolate and flower industries.
The senior marketing manager at JSI (Just Sell It) also maintained, without any prompting at all, that she was totally fine and happy with her life with no significant other.
“Look, this is obvious, right? No one actually wants this so-called ‘holiday’. It just creates an unnecessary expectation for people to buy stuff,” she explained while appearing totally fine.
One Week After Waitangi Seymour Now Safe To Power Down Dildo Forcefield
COAST IS CLEAR.
After a spicy Waitangi Day up north, Act Leader David Seymour believes it is now safe for him to relax the precautions he’s been taking for the last week or so.
“I knew things could get heated up there, as not too many people at Waitangi were keen to hear what I had to say,” said one of the three heads of the so-called ‘coalition of chaos’.
While not widely reported in the legacy media, Seymour was in fact operating a very advanced forcefield, specifically designed to keep projectile sex toys from colliding into him.
2023 Rangi Ruru Head Girl Wondering Why New Auckland Uni Mates Don’t Care What School She Went To
YOU DON’T KNOW RANGI???
Last year’s Rangi Ruru head girl has come crashing back down to earth already in 2024.
Samantha Almati, 18, has been a high achiever her whole life, and has revelled in the accolades that have followed.
2023 was a particular high point, as she flaunted her head girl status at Rangi Ruru Girls’ High School all around the Christchurch social scene.
