Embattled Radio New Zealand Takes Comfort In The Knowledge That No One’s Listening Anyway
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National LOOKING ON THE BRIGHT SIDE Taxpayer funded state broadcaster Radio New Zealand have been making headlines recently due to all sorts of problems they’ve been having with their staff. Back in March, cabinet minister Kiri Allan had a go at RNZ during a farewell for her partner Mani Dunlop, who was […]
Man Picks Rank Outsider For First Try Scorer As If He Has Some Kind Of Inside Knowledge
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport NO NEED FOR A CRYSTAL BALL Braydon Mulholland was strutting around this afternoon like he had some sort of direct line to the sports gods themselves. The 32-year-old had just placed a $10 bet on Blues prop Nepo Laulala to score first in tonight’s semi final against the Crusaders, with Laulala […]
Public Service Bureaucrat Secretly Fantasises About Being Made Redundant
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local IMAGINE THAT Public servant Peter (not his real name) has anonymously approached the Whakataki Times with an admission that may represent a widespread feeling among our taxpayer funded government staff. He says that he has a deep, burning desire to be dramatically laid off from his job, claiming it would be […]
Kiwi Woman Sick And Tired Of Watching Friends Frolicking Around In European Summer
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture WINTER BLUES Tara McCaull has had a chip on her shoulder for quite a while this winter. It’s not that the 25-year-old hates her job as an admin assistant in Christchurch, but more the fact that her friends are frolicking around in the European summer, while she’s chained to her desk […]
Wet, Whiny Wellingtonian Whines About Being Called Wet And Whiny
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local “AWW NO I’M NOT” Will Warburton, a student based in central Wellington, has taken issue with a statement that National leader Chris Luxon was recorded saying to some farmers in Helensville recently. Luxon claimed that New Zealand had become a “very negative, wet, whiny, inward-looking country” that had “lost the plot” […]
One Eyed Cantab Arrives Two Weeks Early To Crusaders Victory Parade
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport BLIND CONFIDENCE Craig Chamberlain, the “one-eyed Cantab” from the Christchurch suburb of Shirley, was unable to contain his anticipation today. The 56 year-old arrived in the city’s CBD eagerly awaiting his beloved Crusaders to come past on the tram with the captain holding the Super Rugby trophy. This was despite the […]
Angry Social Netballer Fails To Realise He Is Not A Professional Athlete
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport CALM DOWN MATE Morgan Hughes eagerly looks forward to his social indoor netball games at Christchurch’s Action Indoor Sports. However the 33 year-old, who has never played any form of representative sport in his life, nor turned out for any top level club teams, definitely takes things seriously in games where […]
Two Blokes Who Crack Joke Between Themselves Now Believe They Should Start A Podcast
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture DREAMS ARE FREE Dave Dustow and Tim Braggins for years have shared a bond over their self-proclaimed hilarious jokes. The 30 year-old Wellingtonians were catching up over the weekend when Dave had what seemed like a unique idea, although in reality both had talked about this exact idea numerous times before, […]
Prime Minister Set To Announce Major Policy Direction For Meat Pies And Pastries
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics BAKED IN POLICY Prime Minister Chris ‘Chippy’ Hipkins has been teasing for months his focus on meat pies and pastries for the upcoming election. The media coverage on the issue has been undeniable. In March it was reported that the Real Meat Pies bakery in Lower Hutt was still the Prime […]
Canes Fan Claims Victory Was Stolen Because “Ardie Wouldn’t Lie”
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport DEFINITELY SCORED Hurricanes fan James Macaskill is a broken man today. The 32 year-old from Wellington watched on in horror late last night as his beloved Hurricanes fell agonisingly short in their quarter-final against the Brumbies. It all came to a head at full time when Ardie Savea was denied by […]
