Bloke Preemptively Sends Reassuring Text To Missus Ahead Of Boys Weekend
SAYS HE’LL TAKE IT EASY.
Matt Holland believes he has put himself ahead of the game this weekend, after sending his girlfriend Ellie a text message with the skill of a seasoned diplomat.
The 31 year-old from Christchurch had only hours ago landed in Auckland ahead of a boys weekend with his good mates Braden and Dan, but had not yet heard from Ellie.
“If I leave it any longer, I’ll get a text like ‘Hi Matt, hope you boys have fun! Please take it easy will you?’, which will annoy me,” he said shrewdly.
SPRING TIME: Warmer Weather Leads To After-Work Beer Proposal Gathering Momentum
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture FULL STEAM AHEAD Kori Lee couldn’t hide his smile as the warm sun shone through his office window in Christchurch this afternoon. The 29-year-old, typically stuck in his cubicle, felt uplifted after his friend Ben responded to his earlier text suggesting a post-work beer with a simple “You keen?” ” Yeah […]
Unusually High Volume of Manawatu Turbos Jerseys Spotted In Central Auckland
GREEN MACHINE.
In the heart of Auckland today, locals have been left baffled and somewhat terrified by a large contingent of Manawatu Turbos fans, all sporting the team’s green jerseys.
The wave of green comes after the Turbos beat Auckland 33-31 in last night’s NPC match at Eden Park, a venue where the Palmerstonians hadn’t won since 1980.
One Auckland resident, who preferred to remain anonymous, expressed his confusion at the Turbos supporters still hanging around the CBD.
National Plans To Reduce The Amount Of Money That Will Be Forcibly Taken From You
OH THANK YOU MY LORD.
In a stunning display of political innovation, Chris Luxon and Nicola Willis have just unveiled National’s groundbreaking plan to reduce the amount of money that will be forcibly taken from you and everyone else in the country.
In a very honest press conference that left economists scratching their heads, Luxon proudly declared, “National is making a firm promise to commit less theft than the current government is engaging in.
“A noticeably smaller amount of money will be taken from hardworking kiwis under the threat of jail”.
Labour Still Yet To Officially Rule Out Forming Government With National
THE PEOPLE WANT ANSWERS.
No one likes to keep the New Zealand public guessing like Chris Chippy Hipkins.
After ruling out working with New Zealand First’s Winston Peters, and with Election Day drawing close, Hipkins still hasn’t publicly ruled out working with National.
Joe Public will surely be asking the question, “if party leaders are now expected to officially rule out parties that hate their guts anyway, why so silent about the possibility of working with National?”.
Local Bloke Already Paying Zero GST On Fruit And Veg By Not Buying Any
BEATING THE SYSTEM.
Following Labour’s promise to remove GST from fruit and vegetables, a Palmerston North man has already figured out how to achieve this tax break – by simply not purchasing any fruits or vegetables in the first place.
John Thompson, 28, shares a flat with two other males and regularly shops at his local Pak n Save. While Labour is touting the merits of GST reduction on healthy foods, Thompson has been minding his own business, opting for a diet that sidesteps the issue entirely.
Aliens Steal All Blacks’ Talent Ahead Of Match Against Bugs Bunny
ONLY EXPLANATION.
As New Zealanders and rugby fans around the world are grappling with the magnitude of a record All Blacks defeat today, a new theory explaining their humiliating loss has emerged.
That being, the aliens known as the “Monstars” from the movie Space Jam, stole the All Blacks players’ talent as they had a game of rugby themselves coming up against Bugs Bunny and the Looney Tunes.
Local Dad Pleased With All Blacks’ 6.30 Kickoff Because He’ll Be Up Anyway
WHO NEEDS A SLEEP IN?
33-year-old Nelson dad Mark Henderson expressed an unusual level of enthusiasm about tomorrow’s All Blacks match against South Africa at Twickenham, scheduled for the ungodly hour of 6.30 am New Zealand time.
While many are groaning about the early kickoff, Henderson is reportedly delighted because, unlike carefree men without children, he’s already wide awake and ready to seize the day.
Smug Millennial Fools Absolutely No One by Asking “What’s UpTheWahs?”
“IS THAT SPORTSBALL?”
Pink-haired millennial Ruby Galbraith wasn’t fooling anyone in her Wellington office today.
The 28 year-old swanned into the lunchroom and asked some of her sport-oriented colleagues, “What’s ‘UpTheWahs’?” looking at her phone and seeing that the “One NZ” that was normally in the top left of her screen had been replaced by the very well-known Warriors slogan.
One NZ have confirmed today they officially replaced their network name with UpTheWahs as a nod to the team they’ve sponsored since 1999.
INSPIRATIONAL: Despite Cost Of Living Pressure Netflix Subscription Survives Another Payment Round
LIKE CLOCKWORK.
Wellington couple Sarah Wintle and Jake Steele are just two ordinary Kiwis trying to make ends meet in a country where the cost of living continues to rise at an alarming rate.
But despite the 27 year-olds finding themselves in a never ending battle against their bills, they continue to keep their Netflix subscription on, despite their financial limitations.
“I mean, we can’t just not be passively entertained every night, right?” said Wintle, who continues to complain about the cost of fruit and veges while not considering cancelling her $24.99 a month Netflix subscription.
