Woman Claims Short Week Feels Long Because She’s Tried To Cram More In
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture “THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS DOESN’T IT” Wellington based comms advisor Jacqui Dalton gave her colleagues something to think about today, as she confidently claimed that despite having Easter Monday off, this week still felt long. “You always look forward to the short weeks don’t you, but they always end up feeling just […]
World Awkwardly Pretends Dalai Lama Is Totally Fine And Does Not Need To Be Investigated
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | World GROSS! As video of the Dalai Lama emerges showing him publicly forcing a young boy to kiss him on the lips and then saying “now suck my tongue”, the media have reacted with a collective “ooh that’s a bit yucky”. While any normal person who judges reality by what they can […]
Teen Gives Up Ram Raiding For Good After Copping An Earful From Graham Bell
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National “SCRUFFY LITTLE THUG” Connor Whitfield, 16, is a destructive little rat who has managed to get away with ram raiding several times now. During his latest smash and grab at a dairy in Auckland though, he was greeted by none other than retired Detective Inspector Graham Bell of Police Ten 7 […]
Warriors Fan Living In Constant Fear That Season Will Crumble At Any Moment
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport TREADING ON EGGSHELLS Jason McHardy loves nothing more than watching his beloved One NZ Warriors, especially given the way they’re playing this year. The Warriors fourth win in five games has put them right near the top of the ladder heading into tomorrow’s away game against the Newcastle Knights, a team […]
Feijoa Season Brings About Yearly Debate Over Whether They’re Delicious Or Disgusting
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National THE FEIJOA FEUDS New Zealanders have once again been consumed by the great debate on feijoas. The seasonal fruit, which only grows for the best part of a month around late March and April, often divides Kiwis. It seems those who love them can’t get enough of them, while on the […]
Woman Who Successfully Makes Smoothie In Blender Convinced She Is Now A Nutrition Influencer
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture INSTAGRAM HEALTH GURU Sophie Williams is convinced she’s unlocked some sort of hidden secret to good health. The 27 year-old, who has no qualifications in nutrition, threw some spinach, a banana, and almond milk into her Nutribullet and pushed down to blend. After making her first smoothie, she couldn’t believe how […]
RICHIE’S 100TH GAME: One Eyed Cantab Erects Statue Of Richie Mo’unga In His Backyard
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport IMMORTALISED One-eyed Cantabrian Craig Chamberlain has taken his admiration for Crusaders first-five Richie Mo’unga to a somewhat creepy new level. Ahead of Mo’unga’s 100th match for the franchise tonight, the 56 year-old has commemorated the occasion by erecting a statue of the Crusaders legend in his backyard in the Christchurch suburb […]
Consultant On $6k A Week Really Sad About All The Work He Put Into The Whole RNZ/TVNZ Thing
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics WHAT A SHAME Senior Business Analyst Tim Carson has done well to hide his disappointment in recent weeks. The consultant advising the government and billing at $150 an hour was clearly mortified that all the work he has put into the RNZ / TVNZ merger has been for nothing. The merger […]
Kiwi Touring Overseas Goes Full Week Without Being Asked About Lord Of The Rings
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | World YOU SHALL NOT ASK Hannah Smith, 26, has been enjoying her OE for the best part of a year now, but had been growing tired of the constant barrage of questions about her home country being the movie set of Lord of The Rings. The Peter Jackson directed trilogy, which was […]
REVEALED: Scribe’s “Not Many” Inspired By Forks Going Missing In The Break Room
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture HOW MANY FORKS YOU KNOW? In a stunning revelation kiwi rapper Scribe has said that his hit song “Not Many” is actually about the constant mysterious disappearance of forks in workplace break rooms. The lyric “Not many, if any”, was originally Christchurch rapper’s response to a workmate asking how many forks […]
