Local Winger Locks In Another Weekend Of Not Having To Wash His Rugby Gear
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport HAIRDO STILL INTACT Johnny Driscoll looked like he’d stepped out of a commercial for laundry detergent following today’s club rugby match in Christchurch. That’s because the 25 year-old winger had somehow managed to stay miraculously clean, despite his teammates being covered head to toe in mud. The casual observer would be […]
“I Need A Coffee First” Says Woman Who Continues To Put Off Doing Any Work
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local PROCRASTINATION QUEEN Emily Harrison has mastered the art of procrastination within her workplace. The 28 year-old team leader at a Wellington marketing company, who had likely already had a coffee on her way to work, greeted her co-workers as she entered the office with a charming smile and announced “Morning guys. […]
2023 Budget Found In Fiction Section Of Library Under “Fantasy”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National FACT OR FICTION A copy of the government’s newly published budget has somehow already made its way into Upper Hutt Library. The book – which apparently needed to be printed with taxpayer money and could not simply exist as a PDF – was not part of the finance or economics section […]
Local Bloke Left Alone For Two Seconds Inevitably Starts Performing His Imaginary Golf Swing
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport GHOST OPEN CHAMPIONSHIP Greg Adams has always had an uncanny obsession with golf. The 30 year-old Aucklander has never actually been any good at it, but would still torture himself most weekends by playing nine holes with friends, which always seemed like it took all day. But when not on the […]
Man Returning From Holiday Quietly Relieved His Home Hasn’t Been Totally Ransacked By Criminals
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local TV’S STILL THERE Before Simon Morgan went for his week-long trip to Taupo earlier this month, he made sure he took all the necessary steps to keep his house and its contents secure. Doors were locked, windows checked, and the security alarm was set, all so he could have peace of […]
Gore Council Succeeds In Making Gore Slightly Interesting To Rest Of New Zealand
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National PRIDE OF THE SOUTH Gore Council, a local government council that the rest of New Zealand has historically not cared about at all, has made headlines recently. Normally a place that is the butt of jokes, a bit like Hamilton and Palmy, Gore is in the news because their new mayor […]
Instagram Business Coach Claims She Can Help You Make It In Business Despite Never Running A Successful Business
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture “SO A LOT OF YOU HAVE BEEN ASKING ME” Self-proclaimed Instagram business coach Sophie Saunders possesses an uncanny ability to make her followers believe that she has the secret to entrepreneurial success, despite never running a successful business herself in any way, shape or form. Saunders’ bio reads “Business Coach Extraordinaire. […]
Kiwi Living In Australia Haunted On A Daily Basis By The Phrase “Fish And Chips”
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | World “FUSH AND CHUPS” Kade Stevens did not know that one phrase would soon become his personal torment whilst living in Australia. The 25 year-old recently moved over to the Gold Coast in hope of better work opportunities and better money. However the born and bred Kiwi would often find himself engaged […]
Local Bloke Spends Entire Party Figuring Out How To Exit Conversations Gracefully
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture EXIT STRATEGY Kyle Gray was not expecting to feel awkward at a friend’s place he’d been to many times before. But given it was his best mate’s girlfriend’s 30th birthday party, it was always going to mean there would be people attending who he hadn’t met before. Entering a crowded lounge, […]
Normally Kind Old Lady Gets Behind The Wheel And Unleashes Torrent Of Expletives At Multiple Drivers
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local “FARRKIN INDICATE C***!” 80 year old Mavis Anderson underwent a total personality transformation this morning, when she hopped in the driver’s seat of her Mazda 2. While normally cheerful and happy to see you, Mavis apparently becomes a red hot ball of rage whenever she’s behind the wheel. Grandson Jackson was […]
