Local Bloke Once Again Walks Away From Melbourne Cup Wishing He Had A Time Machine
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture BACK TO THE FUTURE After another soul-deadening Melbourne Cup, Hutt Valley mechanic Joel Rolleston has walked away with an empty wallet and the familiar wish that he could bend the laws of time and space. “Farrk I wish I had a time machine ay. You just don’t really know which horses […]
REVEALED: Anti-Whipping Anti-Horseracing Activist Actually Enjoys A Bit Of Whipping Herself
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture NUP TO THE CUP, YIP TO THE WHIP Ruby Wareing has come clean today. It’s not that the 28 year-old said she’s onboard with the Melbourne Cup or anything. It is more that while she Tweets to her regular echo chamber about how she is anti whipping and anti-horse racing… she […]
Local Dad Defies All Odds With Seamless Login Without Forgetting Password
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local FIRST TIME’S A CHARM Whakataki semi-retired father of four, Roger Banks has impressed his adult children today by logging in to his Trademe account and getting the password right on the first go. The part time business consultant, who lives at 15 Wakefield Road, generally starts all his passwords with “15Wakefield”, […]
Man Disappoints Trick-Or-Treating Kids By Offering Sticks Of Extra Sugarfree Chewing Gum
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture IT’S ALL HE HAD Six year-old Riley Bryant had a spring in his step with his fellow neighbours this evening. Bryant and a group of around 10 children were happily marching their way down Peverel Street in Christchurch, hoping to add to their small goody bags they were proudly carrying for […]
Sick Bag On Plane Actually Just For Those Passengers Who Happen To Be Viciously Hungover
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture THERE IF YOU NEED IT Shanae Boswell has seen her fair share of people using the white paper sick bags in her experience as a flight attendant for Air New Zealand. Now the 28 year-old has confirmed what many have thought the bags are predominantly used for. Officially the paper receptacles […]
All Blacks Narrowly Avoid Causing New Zealand Society To Collapse
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport THAT WAS CLOSE The All Blacks may not know it yet, but New Zealand came very close to becoming a failed state last night. Had they lost their lead against Japan, with the sending off of Brodie Retallick, many pundits were predicting riots in the streets, as a loss to Japan […]
Woman Who Was Always Going To Waste Her Saturday On Netflix Pounces On Rainy Day Excuse
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture “OH WELL…” Laura Goldburn fooled absolutely no-one when she said she couldn’t do much else on this rainy Saturday except watch Netflix. The 22 year old commerce student had a massive night in town last night and has not once been seen in person by her two flatmates today. One of […]
HALLOWEEN SCARE: Mall Manager Reports That What’s Frightening Customers The Most Is The October Christmas Decorations
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National TERRIFYING Gavin Briggs, the manager for the Riccarton Mall in Christchurch, thought he had been outdoing himself in his job. But the 44 year-old has found out that his beloved mall has been inadvertently disturbing shoppers after gathering feedback from the mall’s feedback box. Our reporters caught up with Briggs who […]
Disengaged Public Servant Keeps Pushing Work Drinks Earlier And Earlier Each Friday
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture “SEE YOU AT THE OTHER OFFICE” Corporate level ACC employee Daniel Farnham has once again pushed the envelope in his quest to continue getting to Friday work drinks as early as possible. As of 3.25 pm today, the “community engagement advisor”, who has never set foot anywhere near the frontline, was […]
Smug Wellington Hipster Drafts Scathing Twitter Attack Ahead Of Six60 Concert
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture “THE NICKELBACK OF NEW ZEALAND” Ruby Wareing, an Aro Valley based sociology student and heavily invested Twitter user, is gearing herself up for her favourite band to hate, Six60, to come and perform at Wellington’s Sky Stadium on Saturday night. Wareing has spent this afternoon drafting a nuclear tweet that she […]
