<strong>Man Heroically Walks Away From Pokies Without Even Thinking About Trying To Win His Money Back</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture KNOWS WHEN TO GO Jayden Hamer has basically walked away from his local watering hole on top today. The 27 year-old tradie went for an $11 jug of lager after work with his colleagues, but also took $20 out for a splash on the pokies in the bar’s gaming room. $20 […]
HOPE LOST: Man Opens Tub Of Ice Cream From Freezer Only To Find It’s Actually Vegetable Soup
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture FOOLED AGAIN Nelson man Shane Sharland got his hopes up to record levels yesterday evening when he saw what appeared to be a tub of Tip Top Boysenberry Ripple ice cream in the bottom of his freezer. The 30 year old who had obviously been stung by misleading containers before, nevertheless […]
<strong>Man Goes Walking Alone, Contemplating How We Blew That Lead</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport PAINFUL STUFF It has been hard to get a word out of Lewis Adams today. The diehard All Blacks fan had been extremely lively earlier this morning when the ABs were comfortably in control of their game against England at Twickenham. However Adams’ buoyant mood evaporated within minutes as the Poms […]
SHE’S A KEEPER: Woman Allegedly Impressed by Millennial Man’s Collection of Spirit Bottles And Tupac Posters
KASSIE MACKAY | Culture SOULMATES! Local twenty-something, Rob Cross, believes he met his soulmate over the weekend. In an exclusive interview with the Whakataki Times, the skate-shoe-wearing local explains that he “knew it was real” when she praised his selection of empty Jack Daniel’s bottles and carefully curated wall of dead rappers. When asked to […]
<strong>Local Bloke Leans In To Tomorrow’s Hangover With Pre-Purchased Blue Powerade</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture AHEAD OF THE GAME Benji Davies isn’t the type of person who is usually organised in his life. But that perception of him went out the window this afternoon, as the 27 year-old purchased a 750ml Mountain Blast blue Powerade, in anticipation of being viciously hungover tomorrow morning. Our reporters were […]
Palmy Boys Old Boy Attempts To Explain Club Marching
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture SEEMED NORMAL AT THE TIME Palmy Boys old boy Jamie Fisher hit a mental roadblock earlier today, as he attempted to speak coherently to a work colleague about his school’s traditional Shand Shield marching competition. “So you know school athletics day right? You would have had them at your high school […]
<strong>Ardie Savea Inundated With Messages Saying “That’s Such Bulls**t Bro”</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport ABSOLUTE STITCH UP All Blacks loose forward Ardie Savea has been receiving consolations rather than congratulations in his messages this morning. Instead of being inundated with well-wishes about being nominated for World Rugby Player Of The Year, the ABs powerhouse was instead getting messages which were critical of World Rugby’s obvious […]
<strong>Man Hoping He Can Cancel Out Weekend Of Binge Drinking By Having One Berocca</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture NOT LIKELY Jeremy Goddard definitely lost a few brain cells over the weekend. The 27-year-old spent all Saturday and part of Sunday consuming alcoholic beverages at a frightening pace in the Christchurch sunshine. But in order to level himself out and make amends for two days of heavy drinking, Goddard talked […]
SEIZE THE DAY: Parents Thrilled That Two Year Old Is Up At 6 To Tackle Sunday Head On
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture “MUM! UP!” Stephen and Kelly Marsden are feeling like the luckiest couple in the world this morning. Instead of sleeping in and waking naturally on a Sunday, they got to wake up at 6 with their alarm clock named Matthew, who was delivering a strong dose of carpe diem. “MUM! UP! […]
<strong>Cricketer’s Girlfriend Obnoxiously Welcomes Weekend Rain</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport SPENDING SATURDAY TOGETHER Clara Stuart was oddly excited by the dark clouds forming today. The 30 year-old has been yearning for rain to occur on Saturdays for the past couple of months, mainly so her boyfriend Jake Macaskill can’t play cricket, the sport that he loves tragically and cannot be played […]
