<strong>REPORT: No Rise In New Zealanders’ Blood Pressure As All Blacks Drum Up Dominant Win</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport STRESS FREE VIEWING New Zealand’s favourite national sporting team the All Blacks have boosted the health and wellbeing of many Kiwis today. The All Blacks put away a lacklustre Welsh side 55-23 to notch up their fifth win in a row. In fact the result was a win in more ways […]
<strong>Grade Cricketer Unforthcoming About How He Actually Went Today</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport “WENT ALRIGHT AY” Jake Macaskill, 31, could almost land a role as a Hollywood actor following the performance he gave to his mates post-match, at a house party. The third grade cricketer for Eastern Suburbs claimed that he ‘went alright’, when he was questioned how he himself and his team got […]
<strong>“My Dog is My Closest Friend” Claims Woman Whose Pet Clearly Resents Her</strong>
KASSIE MACKAY | Culture “BUT HE LOVES ME” Local pet owner Cushla Walters lovingly refers to her dog Tiddles as her “closest friend.” She and the Cocker Spaniel are together 24/7, have multiple matching patterned onesies, and “can literally see into each other’s souls.” But is this a healthy relationship, or is Tiddles in captivity […]
Office Employee’s Top Priority For Friday Morning Is Gauging Numbers For Work Drinks
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture FIRST THING’S FIRST James Walkley, 27, knew he had a daily report to write this morning, and 9 times out of 10 this was the first thing he put on his list to complete during his workday. Today however, the Ministry of Education fixed term staff member had different things on […]
Flatmate Fires Through Another Passive Aggressive Message To The Group Chat About Dishes
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture “HI GUYS, JUST A REMINDER” Jake Nixon, 24, was busy in the middle of his working day when his phone pinged in his pocket. Hoping it was the girl he’d recently been messaging, disappointment soon pulsed through his body after learning it was just his flatmate Sophie launching another passive aggressive […]
Millennial Defies Ageing By Behaving Like Spoilt Child on 30th Birthday
KASSIE MACKAY| Culture IT’S HER PARTY AND SHE’LL CRY IF SHE WANTS TO Forget retinol formulas and hyaluronic acid. Whakataki millennial Caitlin Collins has found the secret to staying young: acting like a spoilt little brat. Despite expectations that her milestone 30th birthday would be cause for celebration, Collins instead marked her third decade on […]
Local Bloke Once Again Walks Away From Melbourne Cup Wishing He Had A Time Machine
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture BACK TO THE FUTURE After another soul-deadening Melbourne Cup, Hutt Valley mechanic Joel Rolleston has walked away with an empty wallet and the familiar wish that he could bend the laws of time and space. “Farrk I wish I had a time machine ay. You just don’t really know which horses […]
REVEALED: Anti-Whipping Anti-Horseracing Activist Actually Enjoys A Bit Of Whipping Herself
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture NUP TO THE CUP, YIP TO THE WHIP Ruby Wareing has come clean today. It’s not that the 28 year-old said she’s onboard with the Melbourne Cup or anything. It is more that while she Tweets to her regular echo chamber about how she is anti whipping and anti-horse racing… she […]
Local Dad Defies All Odds With Seamless Login Without Forgetting Password
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local FIRST TIME’S A CHARM Whakataki semi-retired father of four, Roger Banks has impressed his adult children today by logging in to his Trademe account and getting the password right on the first go. The part time business consultant, who lives at 15 Wakefield Road, generally starts all his passwords with “15Wakefield”, […]
Man Disappoints Trick-Or-Treating Kids By Offering Sticks Of Extra Sugarfree Chewing Gum
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture IT’S ALL HE HAD Six year-old Riley Bryant had a spring in his step with his fellow neighbours this evening. Bryant and a group of around 10 children were happily marching their way down Peverel Street in Christchurch, hoping to add to their small goody bags they were proudly carrying for […]
