REPORT: NZ Rugby No Longer Interested In Results
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport YEAH, NAH New Zealand Rugby have confirmed today they are no longer interested in the All Blacks’ results or performance on the rugby pitch. This was after NZ Rugby and Chief Executive Mark Robinson confirmed that they would be retaining All Blacks head coach Ian Foster, despite a string of poor […]
Morning Jog, Late Drama: Local Bloke Pins The Ears Back For Final Hundy
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local SPRINT FINISH Sporadic fitness enthusiast Reese Kearns has put on an unexpected spurt of enthusiasm at the end of his run this morning, pinning the ears back and romping home over the final 100 metres. After getting a shock earlier in the week to find that he had effortlessly put on […]
Aucklander Absolutely Flummoxed That Friend Is Moving To Wellington
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National COOLEST LITTLE CAPITAL? Blake Eaton was almost thrown off balance today when he heard his good mate Chris Avery was making the move to Wellington. “I nearly had a turn when he said he was moving down there. I was thinking, what on earth would he do that for? Must have […]
Straight From The Ardern Playbook: NZRU Executes Announcement About Announcement
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National COMMS 101 Yesterday NZRU Chief Executive Mark Robinson employed a tactic that is usually reserved for Jacinda Ardern’s communications team. Robinson called a bizarre press conference late in the day, which provided absolutely nothing of substance, effectively wasting multiple journalists’ time just before the 6pm news bulletins. In fact, all Robinson […]
Middle New Zealander Reports Marked Improvement In General Wellness After All Blacks Win
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport MOVING BACK TO NORMALITY Self-described “middle New Zealander”, Isaac Barnham breezed through his Sunday today, with a feeling that maybe things were going to be okay after all. It comes as the All Blacks silenced critics in their 35-23 win over South Africa – redemption for the players and coach. But […]
Two Men Agree To Future Beer With No Set Date
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture WILL DEFINITELY CATCH UP SOON! Jake Adams and Mark Parkin, both 26, hadn’t seen each other in a very long time. But after the two high school acquaintances bumped into each other on Queen Street in the Auckland CBD, they both agreed on something that most definitely won’t happen. A future […]
One-Eyed Cantab Says “It’s About Bloody Time Mo’unga Got A Start.”
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport GET OUT OF IT BEAUDEN! Craig Chamberlain is breathing a bit easier today. The 56 year-old from the Christchurch suburb of Shirley is relieved that mercurial first-five Richie Mo’unga is starting for the All Blacks ahead of Beauden Barrett in their vital clash against the Springboks “Only took them three test […]
PM Steals Backbencher’s Lunch Money And Stuffs Him In His Locker
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics SO KIND.. After Labour MP Gaurav Sharma claimed that the Office of the Prime Minister has been engaged in a “culture of bullying” at Parliament, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has taken the drastic step of stealing his lunch money and stuffing him in his locker. In a proactive step to reassert […]
Hamiltonian Attempts To Defend His Hometown With The Phrase “Nah Hamilton’s All Good”
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National NOTHING WRONG WITH IT! Ollie Fraser, 23, did all he really could for his hometown today. The apprentice plumber, (currently living in Auckland) was under the pump, not with his day job, but because his co-workers were taking the piss out of him because of the fact he is from what […]
Card Stacking Champion Brought In By National Party To Help Build Stability
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Politics HOUSE OF CARDS! National are tonight making serious moves to rebuild their once stable, reliable, boring party. Leader Christopher Luxon has called in American card stacking champion Bryan Berg to help build stability for his troubled party, which has been falling over recently after a spate of blunders by sitting MPs. […]
