New Zealand Rugby Leadership Ditch All Devices And Go Tramping On Stewart Island
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport IT’S FINE, EVERYTHING IS FINE! Following the All Blacks historic test series loss to Ireland, the NZRU leadership have made a timely trip to Stewart Island for a bit of an outdoors experience, a move that they believe is “well overdue” and not at all avoiding the obvious issue at hand. […]
Woman Self Prescribes One Litre Of Berocca After Midweek Blowout
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT! Hayley Wakefield, 25, was a complete shell of her former self this morning. The customer service consultant from BNZ in Auckland showed up to work looking incredibly worse for wear after catching up with a few of her girlfriends who were visiting from out of […]
Violent Punch Up Between Nelson Man And Blenheim Man Over Who Gets More Sunshine Hours
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture UPPER SOUTH ISLAND RUMBLE Kade Hawley and Dillon Young, both 26 from the Tasman district were at absolute loggerheads in Nelson this afternoon. The men, who are old friends, found themselves in a heated argument after 10 plus beers about which of their towns gets the most sunshine hours. As Nelson […]
TIGHTENING THE BELT: Local Man Cancels Spotify Premium And Jams IRD Hold Music Instead
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local NEVERMIND THE WAIT TIMES! Ben Olsen is finally making decisions for the benefit of his future after cancelling his Spotify Premium subscription today. “The cost of living is through the roof and who can afford 15 bucks a month? Especially if you’re like me and only listen to kiwi bangers,” said […]
Team Leader’s Popularity Through The Roof After Email Reminder About Putting Dirty Dishes In The Dishwasher
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local CUPS DON’T BELONG AT YOUR DESK Olivia Gallagher will without a doubt be flavour of the month with her team members this afternoon. That’s because the 45-year-old team leader at one of the several hundred divisions of the Ministry of Business, Innovation and Enterprise (MBIE), sent the following email to her […]
Smug Millennial Says She’s “Kinda Glad The All Blacks Lost”
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport PLEASING RESULT! Pink-haired millennial Kassie Mackay was a happy woman this morning. That’s because the 29 year-old from Wellington’s Aro Valley was met with a barrage of likes and interactions, after taking to Twitter to express her thoughts on the All Blacks 23-12 historic loss to Ireland last night. “Kinda glad […]
Sports Betting Mastermind Tips Sevu Reece And Jordie Barrett For First Try Scorer
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport SO MUCH INSIDE KNOWLEDGE! Joel Jacobson is feeling like a tactical betting genius after revealing his profound insider knowledge to a handful of friends ahead of tonight’s All Blacks vs Ireland match. The 29 year-old has wowed his much lesser sports punting mates by suggesting they put their TAB money on […]
“PRIME MINISTER RESIGNS”: Local Farmer Disappointed That The Headline He Read Was Just Talking About Boris
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics SURELY NOT MUCH LONGER NOW Whakataki dairy farmer Daryl McMaster got his hopes up momentarily this morning, when he misinterpreted a headline coming from the UK about the resignation of PM Boris Johnson. “My heart just about bloody leapt out of my chest when I looked at the news on my […]
KEEPING SUPERMARKETS HONEST: David Clark Caught With Suspicious Supply Of Wet Bus Tickets
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics WATCH OUT SUPERMARKETS! Consumer Affairs Minister David Clark is making the big plays at the moment. Clark yesterday announced the new role of Grocery Commissioner to crack down on New Zealand’s supermarket duopoly. Labour have unsurprisingly talked a big game about making a real difference to kiwis’ grocery bills. However despite […]
Hungover Passenger Unprepared For Emergency Exit Row Responsibility
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local A LOT ON HIS PLATE ALREADY! Nick Calder barely made it onto the plane on Sunday afternoon. The 27 year-old from Christchurch was flying back from Auckland after a stag-do, which mainly involved a pub crawl around the bars of Viaduct Harbour. As he dragged his lifeless body onto the plane […]
