“Where The Hell Has That Been For The Past 10 Months?” Yells Satisfied All Blacks Fan
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport DIDN’T THINK IT’D HAPPEN UNDER FOSTER! Braden Dixon, 28, finally saw an All Blacks performance that looked familiar to him. That’s after the All Blacks demolished Argentina 53-3 in Hamilton last night, snapping a three match home losing streak and probably preventing coach Ian Foster from having to fall on his […]
Wellington Airport Refuses To Let Us Forget About Those Movies That Came Out Twenty Years Ago
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture YOU SHALL NOT FORGET! The two giant eagles at Wellington Airport aren’t just there to frighten children. They’re also a constant reminder of that movie New Zealand made ages ago. Wellington Airport spokeswoman Janet Kirk spoke to the Whakataki Times reporters about the airport’s persistence in not letting us forget about […]
“Start Playing Will Jordan At Fullback!” Yells One-Eyed Cantab
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport RAZOR WOULDN’T PLAY HIM ON THE WING! Craig Chamberlain is one unhappy chappy. The 56 year-old from the Christchurch suburb of Shirley has become continually frustrated that All Blacks coach Ian Foster has been playing Will Jordan on the wing instead of his preferred position of fullback. Our reporters caught up […]
Bewildered Student Asks Flatmate “Do We Have A Flat Inspection?” After Seeing Him Using Vacuum
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture WTF! Ben Conway’s heart skipped a few beats when he heard the roar of vacuuming coming from upstairs this morning. The Massey University student in Wellington had not heard the sound since their previous flat inspection three months ago, which is the only time such cleaning of their Mount Cook flat […]
“My Shout!” Jokes Man Who’s Just Had $116.67 Come Into His Account
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National ON ME BOYS! Mitch Fletcher couldn’t wait to hit his local watering hole with his tradie co-workers this afternoon. The Hamilton tradies usually reserve their trip to the Hillcrest Tavern for Friday afternoons, but after the Labour Government’s second cost of living payment entered their bank accounts this afternoon, it was […]
KIWISAVER U-TURN: Government Also Shelves Plan To Smash Open Your Kids’ Piggy Banks
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics DEATH AND TAXES After a spectacular backflip on a plan to start taxing New Zealanders’ KiwiSaver fees, Labour has also quietly put the brakes on a separate plan to steal money directly from children’s piggy banks. The controversial plan was going to be step two of Labour’s scheme to collect enough […]
Bloke Ponders Red Or Black For Tomorrow’s $116.67 Cost Of Living Payment
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National DOUBLE OR NOTHING! Jake Gibson has a big decision to make. It’s not a question of whether the 26 year-old from Pukekohe will throw down his second $116.67 cost of living payment on the roulette table at Auckland’s Sky City Casino, that’s a given. The question is what colour he’ll choose […]
Michael Baker And Siouxsie Wiles Create Matching Outfits Using Their Used Disposable Facemasks
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National EWWW… Epidemiologists and general worry-warts, Siouxie Wiles (born Susanna) and Michael Baker have put a creative twist on their shared passion for face masks. The two spent the weekend together sewing their very own formal wear out of their used face masks. They agreed that they had a fun time making […]
Wellingtonians Once Again Embarrass Themselves Over Intense Excitement About Burger Wellington
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National “YOU DONE MANY BURGERS THIS YEAR? ANY HIGHLIGHTS?” It is that time of year again – Wellington on a Plate, where every middle and upper class Wellingtonian is given the greenlight to get really, really serious about eating burgers. With every bar and restaurant in town worth their salt producing their […]
“A Lot Of Belief In This Team” : Foster Reveals He Also Believes In The Tooth Fairy And The Easter Bunny
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport SANTA ALSO COMES DOWN THE CHIMNEY All Blacks head coach Ian Foster predictably churned out the company line last night following the All Blacks third straight loss at home. “There’s still a lot of belief in this team and I think we are heading in the right direction,” Foster said proudly […]
