Local Teacher’s Biggest Regret Was Becoming A Teacher
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local THE HOLIDAYS AREN’T WORTH IT Whakataki primary school teacher Jamie Thomson has had an absolute gutsful. After her third straight weekend of lesson planning and classroom prep, her thoughts had turned dark and wandered off into dangerous territory. . “Why do I bloody bother? These kids don’t care, couldn’t give a […]
Ardern Enjoying Overseas Trip Where She Can Go Out In Public Without Getting Booed
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics EVERYONE’S SO KIND OVER HERE Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has loved her European trip, meeting with all sorts of nice European leaders who say she’s doing a really good job. It made a nice change from what it’s like for her in New Zealand, where she can barely leave the house […]
Local Bloke So Satisfied With The All Blacks He Can Barely Feel His Hangover
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport HOW GOOD WERE THE BOYS?! Lachie Keenan is usually reaching for panadol at 10:13am on Sunday mornings. But instead of reaching for something that would usually cure his bone cracking hangover, the 38 year-old builder reached for his phone with a smile on his face and re-watched the highlights of the […]
Local Mum Tipped To Once Again Interrupt All Blacks Game To Ask If Dan Carter’s Playing
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport Late last year the Whakataki Times reported that mother of three, Vicki Matthews embarrassed herself by demonstrating a complete lack of knowledge about New Zealand’s national game. Ahead of tonight’s game against Ireland, husband Daryl and son Michael are preparing for the worst. “Okay prepare yourself son, we both know what’s […]
DRY JULY DISASTER: Local Boozehound Bottles It On Day One
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture REALLY SURPRISING! Jayden Barnett’s attempt at going alcohol free for the course of July has been derailed by his own predictable self destruction. That’s because at 4:31pm Barnett was guzzling back a jug of Speights at his local watering hole with his fellow scaffolder colleagues. Barnett confirmed his day one defeat […]
Local Woman Desperately Missing Damian McKenzie Who Is Unavailable For All Blacks Selection
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport THAT SMILE… THAT DAMN SMILE Hannah McPhail, 22, feels like she’s been ghosted by Chiefs and All Blacks rugby player Damian McKenzie this year. The latest dagger came after seeing the All Blacks team list to play Ireland with McKenzie’s name still missing from the team sheet. The AUT accounting student, […]
Jaws Of Life Called Upon To Open Whittakers Peanut Slab
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local MISSION IMPOSSIBLE! Jake Evans was no match for his Whittaker’s Peanut Slab today. That’s because the 24 year-old retail assistant from Timaru did not have the physical strength or perseverance required to simply open the 50g chocolate treat. “If you look at it, there’s literally no leeway between the wrapping and […]
NZRU Receives Negative RAT Test Allegedly Belonging To Razor Robertson
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics The New Zealand Rugby Union today received a plain envelope containing a negative RAT test. It is believed to belong to six time championship winning Crusaders coach Scott “Razor” Robertson, as the envelope also contained a picture of him holding the RAT in one hand, and a copy of today’s Dominion […]
LATE KICK OFF: Kiwi Origin Fan Likely To Give Up And Go To Bed At Halftime
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport IT’S JUST SO LATE Kane Sampson, 27, is all set for a big night in front of the TV watching State of Origin 2 tonight. But he’s unlikely to see out the second half of the match between the NSW Blues and his beloved Qld Maroons due to the simple fact […]
Public Servant Parents Desperately Try To Teach Their Four Year Old About The Meaning Of Matariki
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National LOOK WE’RE BEING GOOD JACINDA Laura and Sam McKenzie have done their duty as true believers in the Ardern regime today, as they taught their son Arlo, 4, all about the significance of Matariki. The parents, who are currently working at the Ministry of Education as policy advisors, were keen to […]
