NZ Rugby Considers Expansion Into Earthworks Industry After Digging Themselves A Massive Hole
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport TIME TO PIVOT New Zealand Rugby has decided that change is needed. Not a change of All Blacks head coach, nothing like that. NZR are now thinking of becoming an excavating contractor given their recent experience in digging holes to a very high standard. Our reporters spoke to NZR Chief Executive […]
Emotional Farewells: The Father Of House Plays Final DJ Set At Parliament
KASSIE MACKAY | Politics THE PARTY’S OVER After less than a year in the DJ booth at New Zealand’s Parliament, Trevor Mallard has decided it’s time to take up a new gig on the Emerald Isle. Ahead of his final performance at Parliament grounds tonight, the so-called “Father of House” sat down with Whakataki Times […]
One-Eyed Cantab Unclenches Jaw As Mo’unga Confirmed To Start
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport “OH THANK CHRIST FOR THAT” Proud Cantabrian Greg Normansen has felt a sudden release of pressure as his favourite member of the Crusaders’ backline was named to start for the All Blacks this weekend. Apart from the general relaxing of every single muscle in his body, all of which had been […]
Late School Pick Up Lays Foundation for Long-Term Emotional Issues
KASSIE MACKAY | Local TRIGGER WARNING A Whakataki Normal School student has finally been picked up from school, after concerns were raised by another member of the school community. The witness made serious allegations of parental neglect, as the boy was made to wait for his mother on the monkey bars well beyond 3 pm. […]
DISASTER STRIKES: Kiwi Woman Grappling With Pressure To Come Up With Decent Caption For 10/10 Photo
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture HOT MESS Chelsea Palmer, 22, doesn’t usually have any problems gaining attention on Instagram and posting about the dream-like views of Santorini in Greece. And today definitely wasn’t meant to cause her any pain during her three week Europe trip. Despite knowing whatever picture she put up was going to be […]
Vic Uni Student Takes A Stand Against Capitalism By Buying iPhone 13 on Sale
KASSIE MACKAY| Culture SEEDS OF REVOLUTION SEWN A second-year Anthropology student fed up with the power structures of Western capitalism has this week taken matters into her own hands. From her Kelburn flat headquarters, Millie Richardson has eschewed the norms of consumer culture and embraced Marxist maxims by purchasing the iPhone 13 in ‘Midnight’ for […]
Woman Starting To Regret Months Of Overinvestment In High Maintenance House Plants
KASSIE MACKAY| Culture GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME! It’s not just water these monsteras are sucking up. A 28-year-old Wellington woman is developing a gut-wrenching sense of regret over her recent decision to purchase a suite of pot plants for her Newtown flat. The woman, who prefers to remain anonymous, made the decision to invest […]
Leftie Journo Tortured By Crush On David Seymour
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National FORBIDDEN LUST Ruby Galbraith is a woman who has been living in complete denial. The freelance reporter for RNZ and The Spinoff has reluctantly admitted she has long been tortured by her secret crush on ACT leader David Seymour. Our reporters spoke to Galbraith inside Parliament’s press gallery. “I mean, he […]
Local Psychopath Calmly Checks Bank Balance The Morning After Being Blackout Drunk In Town
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture WORRYING BEHAVIOUR Shaun Walker has done what no other normal person would do on a Sunday morning. Instead of doing everything to nurse his bone cracking hangover and dread what he uploaded onto his Snapchat story, the 26 year-old calmly opened up his banking app to have a quick scroll of […]
Kiwi Manchester United Fan Reckons He’s “Not Really Following It Much This Year Ay”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport “JUST BEEN QUITE BUSY AY” Wellington-based Manchester United fan Dean Bridges has gone to extraordinary lengths to avoid the topic of his team’s results this year. This comes after last week’s painful loss to Brentford, which saw the “big four” team set up camp at the bottom of the English Premier […]
