Smug Millennial Says She’s “Kinda Glad The All Blacks Lost”
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport PLEASING RESULT! Pink-haired millennial Kassie Mackay was a happy woman this morning. That’s because the 29 year-old from Wellington’s Aro Valley was met with a barrage of likes and interactions, after taking to Twitter to express her thoughts on the All Blacks 23-12 historic loss to Ireland last night. “Kinda glad […]
Sports Betting Mastermind Tips Sevu Reece And Jordie Barrett For First Try Scorer
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport SO MUCH INSIDE KNOWLEDGE! Joel Jacobson is feeling like a tactical betting genius after revealing his profound insider knowledge to a handful of friends ahead of tonight’s All Blacks vs Ireland match. The 29 year-old has wowed his much lesser sports punting mates by suggesting they put their TAB money on […]
“PRIME MINISTER RESIGNS”: Local Farmer Disappointed That The Headline He Read Was Just Talking About Boris
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics SURELY NOT MUCH LONGER NOW Whakataki dairy farmer Daryl McMaster got his hopes up momentarily this morning, when he misinterpreted a headline coming from the UK about the resignation of PM Boris Johnson. “My heart just about bloody leapt out of my chest when I looked at the news on my […]
KEEPING SUPERMARKETS HONEST: David Clark Caught With Suspicious Supply Of Wet Bus Tickets
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics WATCH OUT SUPERMARKETS! Consumer Affairs Minister David Clark is making the big plays at the moment. Clark yesterday announced the new role of Grocery Commissioner to crack down on New Zealand’s supermarket duopoly. Labour have unsurprisingly talked a big game about making a real difference to kiwis’ grocery bills. However despite […]
Hungover Passenger Unprepared For Emergency Exit Row Responsibility
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local A LOT ON HIS PLATE ALREADY! Nick Calder barely made it onto the plane on Sunday afternoon. The 27 year-old from Christchurch was flying back from Auckland after a stag-do, which mainly involved a pub crawl around the bars of Viaduct Harbour. As he dragged his lifeless body onto the plane […]
Local Teacher’s Biggest Regret Was Becoming A Teacher
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local THE HOLIDAYS AREN’T WORTH IT Whakataki primary school teacher Jamie Thomson has had an absolute gutsful. After her third straight weekend of lesson planning and classroom prep, her thoughts had turned dark and wandered off into dangerous territory. . “Why do I bloody bother? These kids don’t care, couldn’t give a […]
Ardern Enjoying Overseas Trip Where She Can Go Out In Public Without Getting Booed
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics EVERYONE’S SO KIND OVER HERE Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has loved her European trip, meeting with all sorts of nice European leaders who say she’s doing a really good job. It made a nice change from what it’s like for her in New Zealand, where she can barely leave the house […]
Local Bloke So Satisfied With The All Blacks He Can Barely Feel His Hangover
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport HOW GOOD WERE THE BOYS?! Lachie Keenan is usually reaching for panadol at 10:13am on Sunday mornings. But instead of reaching for something that would usually cure his bone cracking hangover, the 38 year-old builder reached for his phone with a smile on his face and re-watched the highlights of the […]
Local Mum Tipped To Once Again Interrupt All Blacks Game To Ask If Dan Carter’s Playing
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport Late last year the Whakataki Times reported that mother of three, Vicki Matthews embarrassed herself by demonstrating a complete lack of knowledge about New Zealand’s national game. Ahead of tonight’s game against Ireland, husband Daryl and son Michael are preparing for the worst. “Okay prepare yourself son, we both know what’s […]
DRY JULY DISASTER: Local Boozehound Bottles It On Day One
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture REALLY SURPRISING! Jayden Barnett’s attempt at going alcohol free for the course of July has been derailed by his own predictable self destruction. That’s because at 4:31pm Barnett was guzzling back a jug of Speights at his local watering hole with his fellow scaffolder colleagues. Barnett confirmed his day one defeat […]
