LE SNAK CANCELLED. Local Mum Forced To Spend 30 Seconds Slicing Cheese To Go With Crackers
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local TOO MUCH TO ASK! Local mother of three Annette Barker, 39, was in a state of despair today. “Oh you’ve got to be kidding me!” she screeched. The outburst came following news that the iconic lunchbox filler Le Snak will be discontinued after 30 years. It means the mother of three […]
CABINET RESHUFFLE: Chris Hipkins Takes On New Role As Minister Of Apologies
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics SORRY! Former Covid response Minister Chris Hipkins has been doing so much apologising lately that PM Jacinda Ardern has made him the new Minister of Apologies. Following his apology to Charlotte Bellis for comments about her MIQ application, Hipkins is now being called on to apologise to all pregnant women ignored […]
Local Boozehound Half-Heartedly Registers For Dry July
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture WILL DEFINITELY GO THE MONTH! Jayden Barnett, 26, was kidding nobody as he shared a link to his freshly created Dry July account on social media. ‘Thought I’d support a great cause this July. Donate what you can.’ Barnett posted on his personal Facebook page. However the likelihood that the regular […]
Scott Robertson Only Five More Super Rugby Titles Away From Being Considered For All Blacks Job
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport GETTING CLOSER! Scott ‘Razor’ Robertson is now as close as he’s ever been to becoming All Blacks head coach. That’s after the New Zealand Rugby Union revealed to the Crusaders supercoach that they may consider him as a potential candidate for the top job, if he simply wins another five straight […]
Razor Loads Up Flattened Cardboard Boxes Into The Team Bus Just In Case Eden Park’s No Good For Breakdancing
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport THE LAST DANCE! Crusaders coach Scott ‘Razor’ Robertson refuses to disappoint fans tonight. With the Super Rugby Final against the Blues, fans are not only expecting his team to perform, they’re also anticipating Razor’s trademark breakdance routine should the Crusaders win. To eliminate any doubt, the legendary celebrator of Super Rugby […]
Smug Millennial Derails Enjoyable All Blacks Discussion By Saying “Oh Are We Talking About Sportsball?”
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture “I DON’T GET WHY PEOPLE CARE” Sam Ellison and Josh Orr could not have been doing anything more normal this morning, discussing the latest All Blacks team naming in the work kitchen at their Wellington accounting firm. “What do you make of Roger Tuivasa-Sheck making the squad? Only 10 games for […]
JUST FOR LOLS: Mallard Planning To Spend His Last Night At Parliament In A Tent On The Lawn
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics BUCKET LIST ITEM With the news that Trevor Mallard and Kris Faafoi are stepping down from parliament, Mallard has one thing left on his parliament bucket list before he buggers off to Europe. While he was punishing the anti mandate protesters with hideous loud music and sprinklers, deep down the Speaker […]
Newcomer To Friend Group Makes A Splash With Breathtaking Speight’s Bottlecap General Knowledge
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local MARC ELLIS, 6 TRIES AGAINST JAPAN IN ‘95 Tim Cunningham, 27 year old electrician and Whakataki’s new kid on the block, made waves last weekend at a friend of a friend’s social gathering. He came into the Saturday night shindig fairly cold, tagging along as “Dave’s friend from work”, which was […]
Local Bloke Falls Off Barstool In Surprise After Finding Out The Crusaders Made The Final
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport WHOAH! DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING! Kev O’Leary’s tailbone was worse for wear this afternoon. That’s because the 38 year-old from Rangiora was recovering from a frightening fall off a barstool at Mainstreet’s Sports Bar, due to being completely surprised and blindsided by the news that the Crusaders have made the Super […]
Labour Sick Of Being In Government And Pass Wildly Unpopular Water Bill That Will Get Them Kicked Out
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics THIS JOB’S SOOO BORING Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern and Local Government Minister Nanaia Mahuta have had an absolute gutsful of doing this bloody government thing, so have hit the Three Waters go-button, effectively ending their local political careers so they can bugger off to new jobs at the UN. The Labour […]
