Local Woman At Wit’s End As Idiot Boyfriend Continues To Use Hair Conditioner As Body Wash
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture JUST THE SAME THING! Rosie Yates, 23, is not in the mood to be deprived of things she needs today. But that’s exactly what happened inside her Mt Cook flat in Wellington this morning as her viciously hungover boyfriend Jake Eder, 24, used up the last of her L’oreal Paris nourishing […]
Amber Heard Claims Depp Was “Directly Responsible” For The Texas School Shooting
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture OK AMBER! Alleged domestic abuse victim Amber Heard has once again astronomically humiliated herself during Johnny Depp’s defamation trial against her. Heard managed the feat again by claiming that her ex-husband Depp was “directly responsible” for the Texas elementary school massacre, leaving 21 dead. “This man here is the monster who […]
Two “Undrinkable” Coke Flavours To Be Replaced With One “Very Undrinkable” Flavour
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National COULD USE SOME SUGAR Coca-Cola has announced that the flavours Coke Zero and Coke No Sugar, will be discontinued and replaced by Coke Zero Sugar. The news makes no difference for local sweet tooth Brett Jacobson though, who has called sugar-free fizzy drinks “a pointless waste of time”. “Two hollow, empty-tasting […]
Local Woman Completely Unaware That She’s Muted In Teams Meeting
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture CAN’T HEAR YOU. Michaela Bryant isn’t usually the one who draws attention to herself in the regular Monday stand-up meetings at Downings IT Solutions in Auckland. But the 24 year-old capitulated to the limelight this morning in what is usually an extremely mundane 9:00am Microsoft Teams meeting. “Right, anything to report […]
Bloke Ponders What He’ll Spend His 27 Bucks On To Escape Reality
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National HMM BEERS OR POKIES?… Robbie Mitchell, a 27 year old scaffolder from Otaki, has been forced to make a decision about what to do with Labour’s pre-pre-election sweetener, a 27 dollar weekly payment that will happen for the next three months. While many struggling families will be using the payments to […]
Woman At Supermarket Considers The Set Up Costs Of A Home Cheese Making Operation
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National DESPERATE TIMES! Nikki Sinclair’s blood has once again come to a boil when she saw the price of cheese at a Christchurch New World today. “Are you actually kidding me? Like actually?!” she spurted in a fit of rage at the inanimate one kilo dairy product. The 36-year-old mother of two […]
Greens Happily Sit Back As Finance Minister Chops Down A Forest To Print Out Budget Books
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics A PDF WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE. There’s only one thing Green Party co-leaders James Shaw and Marama Davidson love more than the environment, and that’s pointlessly printing booklets about how the government are going to waste all our money. It seems that the obsession with emissions reduction targets have clouded the […]
Gen Z Kids Reckon Large Scale Theft Will Be Great For The Socials
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National COOL BRO! The Whakataki Times can confirm that groups of teenagers scattered across New Zealand have been led to believe that breaking the law through ram-raid style burglaries will enhance their social media presence. The confusion comes as a crime spree continues across Auckland and parts of the South Island, where […]
PM’s Self Isolation Boredom Sparks Fears Of An Imminent TikTok Account
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National PLEASE DON’T! A wave of fear is brewing across the country today. It comes as New Zealanders, who are currently getting a well-deserved break from seeing Covid-riddled Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, worry that the PM will start her own TikTok account out of pure boredom. The Whakataki Times reporters hit the […]
Local Bloke Red Cards Himself From Watching The Warriors For Four Weeks
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND! Whakataki local Ben Squire, 27, has been left with no option but to slap himself with a four week ban from watching the Warriors in the NRL, in the hope that it will improve his state of mind and overall wellbeing. The drastic measure comes […]
