Smug Millennial Derails Enjoyable All Blacks Discussion By Saying “Oh Are We Talking About Sportsball?”
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture “I DON’T GET WHY PEOPLE CARE” Sam Ellison and Josh Orr could not have been doing anything more normal this morning, discussing the latest All Blacks team naming in the work kitchen at their Wellington accounting firm. “What do you make of Roger Tuivasa-Sheck making the squad? Only 10 games for […]
JUST FOR LOLS: Mallard Planning To Spend His Last Night At Parliament In A Tent On The Lawn
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics BUCKET LIST ITEM With the news that Trevor Mallard and Kris Faafoi are stepping down from parliament, Mallard has one thing left on his parliament bucket list before he buggers off to Europe. While he was punishing the anti mandate protesters with hideous loud music and sprinklers, deep down the Speaker […]
Newcomer To Friend Group Makes A Splash With Breathtaking Speight’s Bottlecap General Knowledge
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local MARC ELLIS, 6 TRIES AGAINST JAPAN IN ‘95 Tim Cunningham, 27 year old electrician and Whakataki’s new kid on the block, made waves last weekend at a friend of a friend’s social gathering. He came into the Saturday night shindig fairly cold, tagging along as “Dave’s friend from work”, which was […]
Local Bloke Falls Off Barstool In Surprise After Finding Out The Crusaders Made The Final
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport WHOAH! DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING! Kev O’Leary’s tailbone was worse for wear this afternoon. That’s because the 38 year-old from Rangiora was recovering from a frightening fall off a barstool at Mainstreet’s Sports Bar, due to being completely surprised and blindsided by the news that the Crusaders have made the Super […]
Labour Sick Of Being In Government And Pass Wildly Unpopular Water Bill That Will Get Them Kicked Out
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics THIS JOB’S SOOO BORING Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern and Local Government Minister Nanaia Mahuta have had an absolute gutsful of doing this bloody government thing, so have hit the Three Waters go-button, effectively ending their local political careers so they can bugger off to new jobs at the UN. The Labour […]
“I Bleed Maroon” Says Kiwi With No Connection To Australia
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport PROUD QUEENSLANDER! Daniel Russell, 28, has once again proudly and publicly pledged his allegiance to the Queensland Maroons ahead of tonight’s State of Origin game 1 in Sydney. That’s despite him not having a single drop of blood or bone in his body that is linked to Queensland or Australia in […]
Slow ATM User Oblivious To The Rage Of The Woman Behind Her
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture HURRY UP!! Kelly Shepherd has never experienced anything quite like the rage she felt at an ANZ ATM on Queen Street, Auckland today. “Oh you’ve got to be kidding me!” exclaimed Shepherd, 36, as an unknown woman went back and forth between options on the touch screen. The Whakataki Times reporters […]
Dad Shuts Down All Complaints About The Rain By Saying “It’ll Be Good For The Tanks”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local THE FARMERS WILL BE HAPPY 65 year old Dave McDonald has forced his adult children to bring their comments about the current wet weather to an abrupt halt, pulling out a classic line that he’s had in the back pocket for over 40 years. “The rain’ll be good for the tanks […]
21 Year Old Buys First Home Through Hard Work, Determination And Oh No Wait Her Dad Bought It
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National OH K THAT MAKES SENSE Wellington retail assistant Chloe Warburton has shown us that it is possible for a 21 year old to buy their own home if you get your head down, work hard, be frugal with your money and.. oh hang on no, wait her dad bought it for […]
Local Psychopath Refuses To Hit ‘Skip Intro’ On Netflix Series
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local JUST HIT SKIP FFS! Cameron Elkington’s flatmate Mike Hallworth did not know what he had got himself into when he sat down to binge “The Office” on a rainy Thursday afternoon. He was forced to look on in horror as one of the worst TV-watching sins against humanity was committed. Elkington […]
