Local Mum At Supermarket Never Not Astonished At The Price Of Cheese
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local WHAT?! Cheryl Lancaster has had what felt like a mild heart attack this week, after seeing the price of cheese in the supermarket. This was despite having the exact same reaction every single previous time she has bought it. “Jesus! Did you see the price of cheese in the supermarket?! I […]
Bloke Targeted For Being From Hamilton Fantasises About Starting New Life As A Bloke From Cambridge
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National FRESH START! Jason Weber, 23, has been caught daydreaming once again this morning. The apprentice builder from Hamilton (currently living in Auckland) was recharging after a recent piss take attack from workmates – a regular occurrence on the building site. The attack was unprovoked, but fair enough, as it is an […]
Office Loose Cannon Unleashes Hell On Colleague By Signing Off Email With “Regards”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local TAKE THAT! Local mad c**t James Nelson, 33, has just done the unthinkable, by choosing to sign off his email to a work colleague not with “Kind regards”, but with simply “Regards”. The incident occurred on Wednesday after a two hour morning meeting, followed by a lot of back and forth […]
The Least Son Could Have Done Was Not Be Hungover For Mother’s Day Roast
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture AT LEAST HE TURNED UP! Sean Adams, 28, knows he should have taken it easy on the beers last night. That’s because the Talley’s factory worker from Christchurch knew he was going to have to show up looking some-what alive for a Mother’s Day family dinner on Sunday. “Well it’s not […]
Local Bloke Still Living Off Parents SkyGo Account Since 2014
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture GOOD TO GO! Kris McConnochie, 29, is a man out to impress this evening. “Yeah, told the boys to come around to mine since I’ve got Sky. Beats wasting money on overpriced crafties at the pub. Just told them to rock up with a 12-pack before kick-off. Nothing beats the comfort […]
HARD TIMES: Auckland Influencer Forced To Pay For Own Meal
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture WOULDN’T READ ABOUT IT! Self proclaimed influencer Bex Hippolite, 23, has had a humbling experience at Ponsonby’s Madame George tonight. Hippolite, who goes by the name of life_of_bex on Instagram, had to shamefully pay for her own meal, in what is believed to be a first for the Herne Bay local […]
Trevor Mallard Rushes The Police Paperwork And Accidentally Trespasses Himself
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics WHOOPS! In a mad rush to trespass as many people from parliament grounds as possible, Parliamentary Speaker Trevor Mallard has accidentally trespassed himself. This comes after news that Winston Peters, the leader of a prominent New Zealand political party that was in government, was trespassed from the grounds because he visited […]
Wellington Know-It-All Makes Hilarious Observation About New National Candidate
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics ANOTHER PALE MALE IN A BLUE SUIT Hilarious amateur politics commentator Keegan Gibson, 26, has made a classic, original comment about the new National candidate for Tauranga, Sam Uffindell. “Ohhh classic National! Another pale male in a blue suit, where do they find all these clones!”, he hilariously said to his […]
Local Bloke Thinks He’s In An Alternate Universe After Warriors Win And Crusaders Lose
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport WTF IS GOING ON? Joel Corrigan, a Whakataki accountant and part time astrophysics enthusiast, suspects he’s slipped into an alternate universe after two very unpredictable sports results happened in the same weekend. After an absolute hiding last week, the Warriors bounced back to beat the Raiders in golden point, while the […]
Warriors Fan Breathes Easy In The Knowledge That Surely It Won’t Be As Bad As Last Week
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport COMFORTING STUFF! Mark Hickey, 28, will be sitting comfortably in his one bedroom flat this weekend, as he watches his favourite team, the New Zealand Warriors. “For once I’m not sitting here with anxiety pulsing through every fibre of my being. Hell, I’d still be happy enough if we quickly went […]
