NEAR MISS: Biden Narrowly Avoids Dying Of Old Age While Talking To Ardern
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Politics PHEW! US President Joe Biden is a man lucky to be alive today. Biden’s near death experience came after getting a taste of how excruciating it is to listen to New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern get to the point of whatever it is she’s saying. The NZ public will sympathise […]
TVNZ Agrees Breakfast Show Would Be Easier To Manage With Just An Empty Couch
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National NO PEOPLE NO PROBLEM! TVNZ management have taken a bold step in a new direction today. The executives at TVNZ’s Auckland headquarters have given themselves a pat on the back after agreeing that a surefire way to prevent crises involving Breakfast presenters is to simply not have any. The Whakataki Times […]
LABOUR DOWN AND OUT: Hosking Buys Fresh Pair Of Doc Martens To Stick The Boot In Tomorrow Morning
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics FOOT ON THE THROAT TIME Conservative talkback host Mike Hosking has a spring in his step this evening as the latest Kantar Poll shows National holding steady at 39%, with Labour dropping 2 points to 35%. Earlier in the day Hosking had a good feeling that he would be getting the […]
“Scoreline Didn’t Reflect How We Played” Lies Bloke Who Just Lost 80-0
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport WE STARTED WELL THOUGH! Scottie Gibson, 26, is preparing for a tough night ahead after being utterly humiliated in his B grade division match in Christchurch today. Arriving at his mate’s house to watch the latest Super Rugby Pacific Game between the Blues and Waratahs, the openside flanker went prescripted with […]
CONFIRMED: Work Drinks Just A Chance To Bitch About The Company
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture DEFINITELY GOING TO QUIT! Like a pack of zombies, employees at Solutions Infinity turned up to their regular watering hole in Wellington, ready to unload on their company that they love to hate. “Right, I need a drink!” barked Vanessa Lees, who was storming up to the bar and seemed like […]
Local Woman At Wit’s End As Idiot Boyfriend Continues To Use Hair Conditioner As Body Wash
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture JUST THE SAME THING! Rosie Yates, 23, is not in the mood to be deprived of things she needs today. But that’s exactly what happened inside her Mt Cook flat in Wellington this morning as her viciously hungover boyfriend Jake Eder, 24, used up the last of her L’oreal Paris nourishing […]
Amber Heard Claims Depp Was “Directly Responsible” For The Texas School Shooting
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture OK AMBER! Alleged domestic abuse victim Amber Heard has once again astronomically humiliated herself during Johnny Depp’s defamation trial against her. Heard managed the feat again by claiming that her ex-husband Depp was “directly responsible” for the Texas elementary school massacre, leaving 21 dead. “This man here is the monster who […]
Two “Undrinkable” Coke Flavours To Be Replaced With One “Very Undrinkable” Flavour
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National COULD USE SOME SUGAR Coca-Cola has announced that the flavours Coke Zero and Coke No Sugar, will be discontinued and replaced by Coke Zero Sugar. The news makes no difference for local sweet tooth Brett Jacobson though, who has called sugar-free fizzy drinks “a pointless waste of time”. “Two hollow, empty-tasting […]
Local Woman Completely Unaware That She’s Muted In Teams Meeting
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture CAN’T HEAR YOU. Michaela Bryant isn’t usually the one who draws attention to herself in the regular Monday stand-up meetings at Downings IT Solutions in Auckland. But the 24 year-old capitulated to the limelight this morning in what is usually an extremely mundane 9:00am Microsoft Teams meeting. “Right, anything to report […]
Bloke Ponders What He’ll Spend His 27 Bucks On To Escape Reality
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National HMM BEERS OR POKIES?… Robbie Mitchell, a 27 year old scaffolder from Otaki, has been forced to make a decision about what to do with Labour’s pre-pre-election sweetener, a 27 dollar weekly payment that will happen for the next three months. While many struggling families will be using the payments to […]
