HARD TIMES: Auckland Influencer Forced To Pay For Own Meal
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture WOULDN’T READ ABOUT IT! Self proclaimed influencer Bex Hippolite, 23, has had a humbling experience at Ponsonby’s Madame George tonight. Hippolite, who goes by the name of life_of_bex on Instagram, had to shamefully pay for her own meal, in what is believed to be a first for the Herne Bay local […]
Trevor Mallard Rushes The Police Paperwork And Accidentally Trespasses Himself
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics WHOOPS! In a mad rush to trespass as many people from parliament grounds as possible, Parliamentary Speaker Trevor Mallard has accidentally trespassed himself. This comes after news that Winston Peters, the leader of a prominent New Zealand political party that was in government, was trespassed from the grounds because he visited […]
Wellington Know-It-All Makes Hilarious Observation About New National Candidate
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics ANOTHER PALE MALE IN A BLUE SUIT Hilarious amateur politics commentator Keegan Gibson, 26, has made a classic, original comment about the new National candidate for Tauranga, Sam Uffindell. “Ohhh classic National! Another pale male in a blue suit, where do they find all these clones!”, he hilariously said to his […]
Local Bloke Thinks He’s In An Alternate Universe After Warriors Win And Crusaders Lose
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport WTF IS GOING ON? Joel Corrigan, a Whakataki accountant and part time astrophysics enthusiast, suspects he’s slipped into an alternate universe after two very unpredictable sports results happened in the same weekend. After an absolute hiding last week, the Warriors bounced back to beat the Raiders in golden point, while the […]
Warriors Fan Breathes Easy In The Knowledge That Surely It Won’t Be As Bad As Last Week
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport COMFORTING STUFF! Mark Hickey, 28, will be sitting comfortably in his one bedroom flat this weekend, as he watches his favourite team, the New Zealand Warriors. “For once I’m not sitting here with anxiety pulsing through every fibre of my being. Hell, I’d still be happy enough if we quickly went […]
Charlotte Bellis Continues Haunting Chris Hipkins In Recurring MIQ Nightmare
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National LEAVE ME ALONE CHARLOTTE! Covid-19 Response Minister Christ Hipkins continues to be haunted in his dreams by journalist Charlotte Bellis. “Arrgghhhhh! Charlotte?!” Hipkins cried, awakening drenched in sweat for the fourth time that night. The sleepless nights for Hipkins have ramped up another level after the Grounded Kiwis Group won a […]
Open Relationship “Saved My Marriage” Says Liar
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local YOU SURE SHE’S NOT JUST CHEATING ON YOU? Many lifestyle columnists and media commentators are now speaking out about how an open relationship, where a couple is honest and open about sex with other partners, is a positive long term strategy for a relationship. And no-one has more praise for this […]
“RIP Twitter” Says Leftie Who Will Definitely Keep Using It
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture HE SHOULD BE FIXING THE ENVIRONMENT!!! Genevieve Yelich, 26, has made a thinly veiled threat to leave social media platform Twitter, in response to billionaire Elon Musk buying the company for $66b today. “Capitalism gone rogue! #RIPTwitter”, tweeted Yelich from her account Geny_nz. Yelich’s tweet comes after the SpaceX founder decided […]
Hospo Worker Smiles Through Gritted Teeth As Customer Claims 10 Days Off Wasn’t Enough
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National OH YOU POOR THING! Sophie Gibson, 22, a waitress at Danny Doolans on Auckland’s Viaduct, has restrained herself from having a violent outburst at a paying customer this evening. It comes after Jase Adams, 34, a well paid product manager from Datacom, attempted to get sympathy from Gibson about how his […]
Local Bloke Fraudulently Says He’ll Get Up For Dawn Service
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National GOOD INTENTIONS! Jake Symons, 26, has fooled absolutely nobody after making the outlandish claim that he’ll be getting up at the crack of dawn on a public holiday for the Anzac service. “Nah I’ll be up! I’ve got the alarm set for 5:30am, I get up most weekdays at this time […]
