Local Woman Claims She’ll Gym All Next Week After Scoffing Back 8th Creme Egg
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local HAVE THE TREATS, THEN DO THE MAHI! Amy Dollimore, 22 has disgraced herself this Easter Sunday. “Shut up! I couldn’t help it!!” screeched Dollimore to the Whakataki Times reporters with her mouth still full of her eighth Cadbury Creme egg. Dollimore, who had promised herself just one Creme egg, lost all […]
Beauden Barrett’s Eyeballs Get Stuck During Eye-roll After Inevitable Media Question About Battle With Mo’unga 
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport HAD TO ASK DIDN’T THEY! Blues first-five Beauden Barrett is in serious danger of missing the hotly anticipated clash against the Crusaders tonight, after his eyeballs became stuck during his regular media duties. With no shortage of the Barrett-Mo’unga chat this week, ahead of the top-of-the table clash in Christchurch, one […]
Nurse Quietly Suffers Through Non-Nurse Friends’ Chat About Their Three Short Weeks
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National NOT GETTING UP TO MUCH! Caitlyn Brunner, 24, a nurse at the Canterbury District Health Board, has had a wave of anxiety wash over her after fielding multiple questions from her friends about her non-existent plans for the Easter and Anzac period. With Good Friday, Easter Monday, followed by Anzac Day, […]
ACC Expects Rise In ACL Knee Injuries When Nightclubs Reintroduce Orange Level Stand Up Dancing
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National DON’T FORGET TO STRETCH! With the Government’s imminent move to the orange traffic light setting, clubbers are delighted to be allowed to hit the d floors again this weekend. However ACC Head of Injury Prevention Isaac Carter is predicting a spike in ACL knee injuries due to lack of coordination and […]
Couple Spends Full Hour Looking For Something To Watch On Netflix Then Goes To Bed
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local ONLY THING THEY CAN AGREE ON Indefinitely engaged couple Jake Ainsley and Charlotte Bovey have once again failed to decide on a movie to watch on Netflix. After just over an hour of browsing, the Whakataki locals gave up hope of finding mutually acceptable entertainment, and marched off to bed instead. […]
Local Woman Refuses To Adjust Clock Time In Her Car
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local NO IT’S FINE! Chelsea McDonald, 23, would rather go six months with the incorrect time in her car than simply changing it. The revelation comes as daylight savings ended in New Zealand last week, meaning if you don’t manually change the clock in your car, then it will show the incorrect […]
ASH’S LEAVING DRINKS: Dr Ashley Bloomfield Confirms It’ll Be Time For A Bloody Beer
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National NO SPRITES FOR ME THIS TIME THANKS With the news of Dr Ashley Bloomfield stepping down in July, the Director-General of Health has already begun planning his absolute blow-out of a leaving drinks. “Ooh it’ll be a big night alright, already started booking things in. Can’t say too much though,” he […]
Corporate Wellness Officer Cancels Mindfulness Training And Starts Dishing Out Free Piss And Durries
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National WORKPLACE MORALE CRISIS Corporate Wellness Officer Nicki Baker has given up on traditional ways of keeping morale up in the workplace during a pandemic, and has opted instead for good old-fashioned workplace perks, namely home-delivered care packages of free alcohol and tobacco. It is fair to say the public service HR […]
NZTA Confirms Transmission Gully Opening Was An Early April Fools Prank
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National CLOSED INDEFINITELY The New Zealand Transport Agency has confirmed that yesterday’s “opening” of Transmission Gully after years of delays, was indeed a premature April Fools prank. NZTA spokesperson Jonathan Davies has explained that the overdue 27-kilometre project, allegedly “completed” two days ago, will in fact remain very much closed and several […]
FAKE NEWS ALERT: Reports Of Delayed Transmission Gully Actually Opening
ROSEMARY ABBOTT| National MISINFORMATION! The Whakataki Times can confirm that news of the much-delayed Transmission Gully being opened today, is indeed fake. The clarity comes as multiple media outlets tried to convince New Zealanders that the never-ending motorway project north of Wellington, was somehow “completed” and declared “ready” for motorists to use on Thursday. Media […]
