INFLATION CRISIS: Cost Of $10 Punt At The TAB Blows Out To $10.70
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National NOT THE TAB TOO! Hutt Valley local Mark Hickey got a taste of just how far-reaching our inflation problem has become yesterday afternoon. Entering Trentham TAB after a long day doing maintenance on the train tracks, Hickey went to slap $10 on the dogs, but upon arriving at the counter, he […]
Auckland Woman’s Repeated Hints To Get Engaged Still Not Getting Through To Oblivious Boyfriend
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National STILL NO RING! Charlotte Fuller is a woman who definitely knows what she wants. The 28 year-old Aucklander has been waiting patiently for her boyfriend of four years Reece Campbell, 29, to propose to her. Although she likes the idea of a traditional marriage, her current focus is on having a […]
New Zealand Rugby Leadership Ditch All Devices And Go Tramping On Stewart Island
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport IT’S FINE, EVERYTHING IS FINE! Following the All Blacks historic test series loss to Ireland, the NZRU leadership have made a timely trip to Stewart Island for a bit of an outdoors experience, a move that they believe is “well overdue” and not at all avoiding the obvious issue at hand. […]
Woman Self Prescribes One Litre Of Berocca After Midweek Blowout
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT! Hayley Wakefield, 25, was a complete shell of her former self this morning. The customer service consultant from BNZ in Auckland showed up to work looking incredibly worse for wear after catching up with a few of her girlfriends who were visiting from out of […]
Violent Punch Up Between Nelson Man And Blenheim Man Over Who Gets More Sunshine Hours
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture UPPER SOUTH ISLAND RUMBLE Kade Hawley and Dillon Young, both 26 from the Tasman district were at absolute loggerheads in Nelson this afternoon. The men, who are old friends, found themselves in a heated argument after 10 plus beers about which of their towns gets the most sunshine hours. As Nelson […]
TIGHTENING THE BELT: Local Man Cancels Spotify Premium And Jams IRD Hold Music Instead
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local NEVERMIND THE WAIT TIMES! Ben Olsen is finally making decisions for the benefit of his future after cancelling his Spotify Premium subscription today. “The cost of living is through the roof and who can afford 15 bucks a month? Especially if you’re like me and only listen to kiwi bangers,” said […]
Smug Millennial Says She’s “Kinda Glad The All Blacks Lost”
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport PLEASING RESULT! Pink-haired millennial Kassie Mackay was a happy woman this morning. That’s because the 29 year-old from Wellington’s Aro Valley was met with a barrage of likes and interactions, after taking to Twitter to express her thoughts on the All Blacks 23-12 historic loss to Ireland last night. “Kinda glad […]
Sports Betting Mastermind Tips Sevu Reece And Jordie Barrett For First Try Scorer
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport SO MUCH INSIDE KNOWLEDGE! Joel Jacobson is feeling like a tactical betting genius after revealing his profound insider knowledge to a handful of friends ahead of tonight’s All Blacks vs Ireland match. The 29 year-old has wowed his much lesser sports punting mates by suggesting they put their TAB money on […]
“PRIME MINISTER RESIGNS”: Local Farmer Disappointed That The Headline He Read Was Just Talking About Boris
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics SURELY NOT MUCH LONGER NOW Whakataki dairy farmer Daryl McMaster got his hopes up momentarily this morning, when he misinterpreted a headline coming from the UK about the resignation of PM Boris Johnson. “My heart just about bloody leapt out of my chest when I looked at the news on my […]
KEEPING SUPERMARKETS HONEST: David Clark Caught With Suspicious Supply Of Wet Bus Tickets
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics WATCH OUT SUPERMARKETS! Consumer Affairs Minister David Clark is making the big plays at the moment. Clark yesterday announced the new role of Grocery Commissioner to crack down on New Zealand’s supermarket duopoly. Labour have unsurprisingly talked a big game about making a real difference to kiwis’ grocery bills. However despite […]
