Newshub Bids For Broadcast Rights To Zoi’s Dad’s Speech At Her 21st
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National Following the viral popularity of Sean Synnott’s profanity-laden interview about his daughter Zoi’s Olympic gold medal this week, Newshub appears to be hungry for more Sean. They are allegedly in talks with the family to obtain rights to broadcast Sean’s inevitably epic speech at Zoi’s 21st birthday in March. A source […]
New General Manager Upholds Te Tiriti By Starting The Day Off With A Friendly “Morayna”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local John Leighton, 55, has made great strides towards making New Zealand a more equal society for Māori by greeting his mostly white staff today with a friendly “Morayna”. Leighton, the new general manager at Whakataki Fish and Seafood, never thought he’d be the poster boy for cultural sensitivity. “Hey it’s not […]
Zoi Sadowski-Synnott Tests Positive For Ice In Veins
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport SNOW GOOD! Following her dramatic come-from-behind win to claim New Zealand’s first ever Winter Olympics gold medal, snowboarder Zoi Sadowski-Synnott’s post-run drug test has revealed the only performance enhancer present in her blood was ice. The 20-year old’s cold blooded victory came after etching past America’s Julia Marino in her third […]
REPORT: ‘What the Fuck Are NFTs?’ Asks Everyone
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local The Whakataki Times can report that the explanation of an ‘NFT’ being just a “non-fungible token” has been met with furious indignation on a large scale. This was after the vague explanation once again failed to make anything any clearer. Whakataki local Tara Harris, 26, was just one of many who […]
Thousands of Stranded Kiwis Dump DJ Gear As Borders Open Up
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Politics A NEW DIMENSION! Ex-pat Kiwi Aaron Sampson, 24, has abruptly disposed of his four day-old turntables and mixer after news that New Zealand will open its borders to Kiwis living abroad. He is just one of thousands of Kiwis that will no longer have to transform themselves into DJs in order […]
Do-Gooder’s Head Explodes Upon Hearing That Best Face Masks Are Also Worst For The Environment
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National Wellington student and all-round do-gooder Lucy Mayfield’s head exploded earlier this week after hearing that the surgical grade blue face masks, designed to be deposited straight into landfill after a few uses, are now considered a top option for reducing the spread of the Big O, also known as the Omicron […]
Local Landscaper Keen To Lock In Hole-Digging Expert
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local Whakataki Landscaping owner-operator Troy Sullivan has allegedly been in touch with COVID-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins after he demonstrated a seemingly effortless ability to dig himself a colossal hole. This follows Hipkins’ mishandling of the Charlotte Bellis MIQ debacle. Sullivan, 48, said he’s never seen someone dig themselves such a big […]
Shoeboxes Now Out Of Reach For Wellington Flat Hunters
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National There’s more disappointment for Wellington flat hunters as the average rental price of a shoebox continues to rise. This comes as median house prices top $1m in the capital city. Seventy five people turned up to the latest viewing, a shoebox formerly home to a pair of Hush Puppies leather sandals […]
MIQ Spot Guaranteed For Charlotte Bellis After Promo Company Books Her For Drum And Bass Tour
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National GOOD SAMARITANS. Wellington-based music events promoters, Bangin’ Beats have booked stranded, pregnant kiwi Charlotte Bellis for a ten date drum and bass tour of New Zealand. The good samaritans made the booking because it is common knowledge that the best way to skip the MIQ queue is to be a DJ. […]
Very Eligible Boyfriend Dumped by Influencer Due to Poor Photography Talent
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture JUST A COUPLE MORE!! Kaide Davis, 23, has been abruptly dumped by his girlfriend Maddy Andrews, 21, after he took 236 photos of her at Coromandel’s Cathedral Cove, but failed to produce a single image deemed good enough to gain traction on her Instagram profile. This was despite him being highly […]
