“Good Fucking Riddance” Says Nation
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National FINALLY SOME FREEDOM! With the 23 day protest coming to an end on Parliament grounds this afternoon, the Whakataki Times sought comment from New Zealanders on the breaking news. “Thank fuck!” – Brianna Wilson. “Glad that shit-show’s over” – Adrian Taylor. “About fucking time. Nice to actually be free in my […]
Mask-Wearers Passing By Parliament Mainly Trying To Block Out The Smell Of Poos And Wees
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National DUAL-PURPOSE FACE MASKS After surveying 200 masked pedestrians on Molesworth Street on Monday, the Whakataki Times can report that 70% of respondents said their primary reason for their face covering was to stop the smell of human excrement at the anti-mandate drum and bass music festival. Of that 70%, the second […]
Local News Junkie Remembers When The Biggest Controversy Was The Colour Of A Dress
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture BLACK OR GOLD? Juliet Emerson, 27, has had a refreshing wave of nostalgia wash over her after seeing the ‘The dress’ pop up on her Facebook ‘Memories’ this morning. “Ah, it’s definitely still black and blue,” the Whakataki marketing assistant said to herself with confidence, while reminiscing about a simpler time […]
New Dad Accepts Toys All Over The Floor As ‘The New Normal’
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local GIVEN UP THE WILL TO LIVE Local project manager Matthew Haughton has begun to realise exactly what it means to be a new father, having recently accepted an infuriating level of mess as ‘the new normal’. “Ah well, I guess this is just my life now”, sighed the broken man. In […]
Freedom Enthusiast Reckons Maybe Vaccine Mandates Aren’t So Bad Compared To Military Conscription
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National With World War 3 just around the corner, local anti-vaxxer and parliament festival-goer Jayden Wild has had a few of his personal beliefs put into perspective. “Yeah bit of an eye-opener ay, this Ukraine carry-on. People are talking as if it could be another world war. I’m pretty sure that in […]
BIRTHDAY DISASTER! Disappointed Rangi Ruru Girls Student Receives New BMW Instead of Keys To First Home
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture WORST 16TH BIRTHDAY EVER! Tayla Davies,16, was sobbing uncontrollaby at her parents’ Merivale house in Christchurch this morning, after receiving a brand new BMW 5 Series instead of keys to her first home as a 16th birthday present. “Daaaaadddd!! What the hell is this?!” screamed the distraught birthday girl from her […]
“Unruly Tourists” Looking Pretty Bloody Good Right Now
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National DO YA MISS ME WHEN I’M GONE? The ‘unruly travellers’ who once apparently ‘wrecked havoc’ by descending on the country’s North Island for a summer holiday in 2019 are looking pretty damn good in comparison to the angry mob of 1,000 protesters who have drained police resources, threatened the public and […]
“Ha Fuck You Elsa” Says Dad As Daughter Replaces Frozen Poster With Zoi Sadowsky-Synnott
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local NEW ICE PRINCESS IN TOWN Local father Jordie Jacobsen couldn’t be prouder as his 6 year old daughter Charlotte unceremoniously ripped down her Frozen Elsa poster, and replaced it with a poster of gold medal-winning Olympian snowboarder Zoi Sadowsky-Synnott. “Yesss good on ya Char, get it outta here. No need to […]
Tinder Swindler Brought In To Persuade Protesters To Leave Parliament Grounds
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National GETTING THE JOB DONE! The New Zealand Government and Police have hired well known con man Simon Leveiv, also known as the ‘Tinder Swindler’, in an attempt to convince protesters to exit Parliament grounds as the protest nears its third week. Leveiv has been the subject of Netflix’s latest documentary ‘The […]
Wannabe Influencer Struggling With The Fact That He’s Not A Hot Girl With A Good iPhone
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National Ben Aplin, 26, is grappling with the fact that he will fail to make any ground on his new Instagram account, as he is simply not a hot girl with a decent iPhone. The graphic designer from Wellington explained his frustration about the stagnant state of his social media status to […]
