Very Single Woman Vanishes From All Social Media On Valentines Day
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture USER NOT FOUND! Chloe Mckenzie, 25 (single) has abruptly disappeared from all platforms of social media, coincidently coming on the annual day of love, Valentines Day. The Whakataki Times, who had to track Mckenzie down in person, questioned why the accounts payable clerk from New Plymouth decided to pull off a […]
OPENING OLD WOUNDS: Rebecca Black Nervous That “Friday” Will Be Next On Trevor Mallard’s Playlist
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY Rebecca Black, singer of the ear-penetrating viral humiliator, Friday, is feeling as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. As Speaker of the House Trevor Mallard attempts to annoy anti-mandate protesters with a mix of Barry Manilow, Macarena and COVID-19 advertising, […]
Police Threaten to Send In Grumpy Old Man Yelling “Get Off My Lawn!”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National SEND IN THE BIG GUNS New Zealand Police have put the fear of God into anti-mandate protesters on Parliament grounds today, after making a threat to send in a grumpy old man demanding they get the hell off his lawn. Sid Barnes, 72, spoke with Police Commissioner Andrew Coster this morning. […]
Bleary-Eyed Local Confirms That Midweek Crafties’ll Bloody Getcha
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local “PHHHHWARRRR” Whakataki electrician Taine Gainford, 29, got the shock of his life this morning, waking up with a completely unexpected hangover. After the local sparkie innocently drank 4-5 craft beers in a trendy bar on Wednesday night, he was taken completely by surprise by the relentless head-throbber that greeted him the […]
Newshub Bids For Broadcast Rights To Zoi’s Dad’s Speech At Her 21st
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National Following the viral popularity of Sean Synnott’s profanity-laden interview about his daughter Zoi’s Olympic gold medal this week, Newshub appears to be hungry for more Sean. They are allegedly in talks with the family to obtain rights to broadcast Sean’s inevitably epic speech at Zoi’s 21st birthday in March. A source […]
New General Manager Upholds Te Tiriti By Starting The Day Off With A Friendly “Morayna”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local John Leighton, 55, has made great strides towards making New Zealand a more equal society for Māori by greeting his mostly white staff today with a friendly “Morayna”. Leighton, the new general manager at Whakataki Fish and Seafood, never thought he’d be the poster boy for cultural sensitivity. “Hey it’s not […]
Zoi Sadowski-Synnott Tests Positive For Ice In Veins
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport SNOW GOOD! Following her dramatic come-from-behind win to claim New Zealand’s first ever Winter Olympics gold medal, snowboarder Zoi Sadowski-Synnott’s post-run drug test has revealed the only performance enhancer present in her blood was ice. The 20-year old’s cold blooded victory came after etching past America’s Julia Marino in her third […]
REPORT: ‘What the Fuck Are NFTs?’ Asks Everyone
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local The Whakataki Times can report that the explanation of an ‘NFT’ being just a “non-fungible token” has been met with furious indignation on a large scale. This was after the vague explanation once again failed to make anything any clearer. Whakataki local Tara Harris, 26, was just one of many who […]
Thousands of Stranded Kiwis Dump DJ Gear As Borders Open Up
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Politics A NEW DIMENSION! Ex-pat Kiwi Aaron Sampson, 24, has abruptly disposed of his four day-old turntables and mixer after news that New Zealand will open its borders to Kiwis living abroad. He is just one of thousands of Kiwis that will no longer have to transform themselves into DJs in order […]
Do-Gooder’s Head Explodes Upon Hearing That Best Face Masks Are Also Worst For The Environment
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National Wellington student and all-round do-gooder Lucy Mayfield’s head exploded earlier this week after hearing that the surgical grade blue face masks, designed to be deposited straight into landfill after a few uses, are now considered a top option for reducing the spread of the Big O, also known as the Omicron […]
