Man With Bluetooth Speaker At Beach Appears Confident That Everyone Wants To Hear His Music
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture SUMMER VIBES Finn Doran was out to enjoy himself at Nelson’s Tahunanui Beach as much as anyone else was today. The 35 year-old decided he’d get in one last beach trip before returning to work in the next few days, and assumed that bringing along his new UE Boom 3 would […]
NEW YEAR, NEW ME: Woman Embarks On First Of Three Gym Sessions For The Year
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture LESSSGOOOOO Habitual new year’s resolution-maker Gabrielle Watson has surprised no-one in her friend group with today’s social media post. On her personal instagram page, the Hawke’s Bay native posted a picture of herself dressed in brand new Lululemon activewear, with the location set as City Fitness, Hastings. Naturally this imagery was […]
“WHAT YEAR IS IT?”: Woman Wakes Up From Food Coma She’s Been In Since Christmas
KASSIE MACKAY | Local TIME TRAVELLER? A Whakataki woman has woken dazed and confused this morning, having rolled out of bed and onto a phone whose lock screen declared the date January 1, 2023. Charlotte Peters, 24, describes herself as a hedonist: “I just take such great joy in indulging myself… through food, drink, partying, […]
FINISHING STRONG: Woman Puts Exclamation Mark On 2022 By Getting Dangerously Drunk And Emotional
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture “F*** YOU DAVE!” This New Year’s Eve, 29 year old Wellington woman Ellie Burgess has apparently decided she’s going to say goodbye to 2022 in style. Burgess, who’s relationship of four years came to an end in August, is letting her hair down at her Kelburn flat with support from a […]
Bloke Heroically Starts On The Beers At 12 In Quest To Make It To Midnight
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture DON’T STOP BELIEVING Kieron Larson believes he is a strong chance to make it to the New Year’s Eve countdown tonight in something resembling a coherent state. Cracking open the first of many Steinlager Pures at 12:06pm, the 23 year-old did a quick “cheers boys” to a handful of mates at […]
XMAS NEW YEAR’S TIME HOLE: Study Confirms 9 Out Of 10 People Have No Idea What Day It Is
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture “IT’S WEDNESDAY ISN’T IT?” The Manawatu Research Institute Of Science has confirmed what many of us already knew about the current period of time between Christmas and New Year’s. In a street survey of 1000 people walking in Palmerston North’s “the square”, 904 respondents could not give a correct answer to […]
Local Mum Putting Out Post-Christmas Recycling Claims “People Will Think We’re Alcoholics”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBOURS THINK? 58-year-old mother of two, Jane Morrison was hit with a wave of self consciousness this morning as she took her glass recycling out to the street to be collected. The Nelson local has noticed that unlike every other time she’s taken the glass out, her bin […]
HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS: Wall Socket In Dad’s Corner Of The Lounge Overrun With Kids’ Phone Chargers
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture INVASION As Phil Burley sat down in his usual spot in the lounge, he happened to gaze down at what was usually a totally clear empty wall socket beside his lazy boy chair. To his horror, what he discovered instead was a jungle of unrecognisable cords and phones. The father of […]
Local Dad Rolls Back The Years With Sensational BYC Hat Trick Against His Hapless Children
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport UNSTOPPABLE Mark Grover’s eyes lit up when he saw six year-old son Jackson walk up to the crease in today’s Boxing Day BYC match. The 41 year-old father of three was already showcasing some scary form after dismissing his two other children, 7 year-old Poppy and 9 year-old Ollie, in the […]
SHAME: Arrogant Nephew Loses Christmas Cracker Pull To Aunty
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture PRIDE COMES BEFORE THE FALL Bryce Eder thought he’d use his pure strength to comfortably beat his Aunty Susan in the annual Christmas cracker pull during today’s family lunch. The 22 year-old, who rates himself as much fitter and stronger than his 50 year-old Aunty Aunty, was humiliated after coming off […]
