Chris Hipkins Heralds New Era for Ginger Representation
KASSIE MACKAY | Politics IF YOU CAN SEE IT, YOU CAN BE IT Incoming Prime Minister, Chris Hipkins, is already promising New Zealanders a brighter future under his leadership. He’s set out the challenges our nation faces and hinted at solutions. Members of New Zealand’s ginger demographic have read between the lines of these statements, […]
Hungover Bloke Ignores Cafe Menu And Robotically Orders The Big Breakfast
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture “JUST THE BIG BREKKIE FOR ME THANKS” Liam Hunt was certain about one thing this morning. That was he knew he’d be ordering whatever big breakfast option the menu provided at Wanaka’s Urban Grind Eatery & Bar. The certainty comes after the 29 year-old spent last night with a group of […]
Soon To Be New PM Chris Hipkins Will Officially Replace “Be Kind” Slogan With “Spread Your Legs”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics STRAIGHT TO WORK Chris “Chippy” Hipkins is set to stamp his personality on the prime ministership when he takes over the top job in February. After no-one else wanted to take on the responsibility of leading Labour into a deeply humiliating election defeat, Hipkins agreed to captain the sinking ship. The […]
Mike Hosking Allegedly “Did A Little Dance”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics “YOU’RE IN A GOOD MOOD MIKE” An unnamed source close to veteran broadcaster Mike Hosking claims that he “did a little dance”, and that we all know why. The claim is eerily similar to someone else who in June 2020 said that she “did a little dance” because she thought that […]
BLACK CLASH BACKLASH: One Eyed Cantab Calling For Team Rugby To Be Completely Replaced With Current Crusaders Players
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport TEAM CRUSADERS Craig Chamberlain is once again in disagreement with the selection of a sports team. His difference of opinion comes ahead of tonight’s T20 Blackclash, which sees the biggest stars of rugby and cricket face off against each other in a T20 cricket match. But with ‘Team Rugby’ being made […]
+Hr=E Announces New Fishing Show With Unconfirmed Female Host
KASSIE MACKAY | Politics IS THE PM MOVING FROM HIVE TO HULL? Just minutes after Jacinda Ardern revealed her plans to step down as PM, national television network, +Hr=E, made its own special announcement. From February 8, the nation’s second-favourite homegrown broadcaster will be hoping to boost viewership with a new fishing show. The catch? […]
Cardiologist Predicts Spike In Blood Pressure In Over 65s During Alternative Cricket Commentary
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport HEALTH WARNING FOR CRICKET FANS A leading cardiologist at the Heart Foundation has issued a warning to anyone thinking about watching this Friday’s T20 Blackclash cricket match, featuring commentary from the Alternative Commentary Collective (the ACC). Dr Jane Joplin has published a paper saying that a significant number of people over […]
HOLIDAY MISHAP: Woman Forgets To Post Aerial Photo From Inside Plane
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture MISSED OPPORTUNITY Holly Carrigan, 25, missed a golden opportunity this morning. She had the chance to deliver top quality pre-holiday content to her numerous instagram followers, which would have been the perfect start to her trip to Queenstown – but she absolutely blew it. As she sat on the Air New […]
Elite Bloke Fires Up The Private Jet To Fart Over To Davos To Talk About Emissions And Climate Change
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | World “OH YEAH IT’S DEFINITELY A CRISIS” Local billionaire elite Roger Rubens believes that the world is in the middle of a climate crisis that could become a catastrophe. He is rock solid in his belief that carbon dioxide is destroying the planet, and yet somehow he is still willing to add […]
CLEARLY NOT IN NEW ZEALAND: Rugby Coach Sacked Due To Team Underperforming
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport ONLY IN AUSTRALIA… Wallabies rugby coach Dave Rennie has been sensationally sacked by Rugby Australia today, due to his poor results during his three year reign with the team. Rennie, a New Zealander, would have probably been better off coaching NZ’s rugby team the All Blacks, a team where consistently poor […]
