Man Impressing Nobody By Heading Off For A Morning Run On Christmas Day
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture SETTLE DOWN Joseph Pimms appeared to be more excited about going for a run than Christmas Day itself. That’s because the 35-year-old would rather do a strenuous bout of exercise than have a well-earned sleep-in on the day that he would soon be relaxing with relatives for Christmas lunch. Pimms was […]
Children On Best Behaviour Today With Mum’s Final Threat That “Santa Won’t Come Otherwise”
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National LITTLE ANGELS Local Nelson siblings Connor Adams, 5, and Brianna Adams, 7, were like the angels on top of all the Christmas trees today. The two siblings, who would often be fighting with each other and making their mother’s life hell ahead of a busy Christmas period, were strangely well behaved […]
“ALL YOUR HARD WORK”: Employee Tears Up After Reading Heartfelt Christmas Card From CEO
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture “WE VALUE YOUR CONTRIBUTION” There must have been some dust in the air this afternoon because customer support officer Kylie Carlson could definitely feel her eyes welling up. Either that, or she had become emotional after reading her deeply heartfelt and personalised Christmas message she got from her CEO, John Brentford. […]
WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS: Office Employee Digs Real Deep To Give A Fuck About His Work
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture MENTAL TOUGHNESS With less than three working days to go in the year, Ollie Davis has used every ounce of enthusiasm in his body to actually look like he’s doing something meaningful in the office. Davis, who works as an insurance broker in Wellington’s CBD, appeared animated at his desk, but […]
Woman Fabricates Dramatic Life Events to Deflect Family Questions On Motherhood
KASSIE MACKAY| Culture ‘TIS THE SEASON FOR INTERROGATION A Wellington woman is weighing up her options this festive season, considering which fake personal crisis might sufficiently stunt her parents’ questions about her lack of offspring. Thirty-four year-old yo-pro, Freya Widdicombe spends 11 months and 20 days of the year feeling perfectly content about her life. […]
TIME SAVER: Teen TikTok Dancer Deletes App And Just Emails Videos Straight To Chinese President
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture CUTTING OUT THE MIDDLE MAN Self-proclaimed teen TikTok sensation Ariana Wesley is taking a new approach to increasing her reach on the social media platform. Annoyed with how long it has taken her to amass her first 15,000 followers, Wesley has decided to bypass the usual algorithm designed to benefit the […]
Staunch Atheist Welcomes Jesus Christ Into Her Life Via Gin Advent Calendar
KASSIE MACKAY| Culture CHEERS TO THE HOLY CHILD A woman who once dubbed herself an “opponent of organised religion” has had an epiphany on day 18 of her gin advent calendar. But it’s not just the drink, she says, that’s caused her to see the light. Local wino Erin Cross, 29, told the Whakataki Times […]
Third Grade Cricketer Blows $600 On A New Bat In The Hope That It’ll Turn His Form Around
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport BLAMING HIS TOOLS Jake Macaskill is certain he’ll be troubling the scorers next time he strides out to the crease. The Eastern Suburbs third div battler has just dropped $600 on a Kookaburra Beast cricket bat in the hope that it’ll get him out of a form slump – a slump […]
David Seymour Updates Pronouns To Arrogant / Prick
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics EMBRACING HIS TRUTH Act leader David Seymour has decided to embrace the new label he’s been given by Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, and has added “arrogant/prick” as his pronouns in his email signature. Ardern could be heard saying that Seymour is “such an arrogant prick” on her parliament microphone yesterday afternoon. […]
Ardern Relieved Microphone Didn’t Pick Her Up Calling Luxon A “Bald-Headed Dickhead”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics COULDA BEEN WORSE Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern breathed a sigh of relief today, as the worst of her side comments to Grant Robertson were not actually picked up by Parliament TV’s microphones. In the house this afternoon she was heard saying that Act leader David Seymour was “such an arrogant prick”, […]
