SEIZE THE DAY: Parents Thrilled That Two Year Old Is Up At 6 To Tackle Sunday Head On
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture “MUM! UP!” Stephen and Kelly Marsden are feeling like the luckiest couple in the world this morning. Instead of sleeping in and waking naturally on a Sunday, they got to wake up at 6 with their alarm clock named Matthew, who was delivering a strong dose of carpe diem. “MUM! UP! […]
<strong>Cricketer’s Girlfriend Obnoxiously Welcomes Weekend Rain</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport SPENDING SATURDAY TOGETHER Clara Stuart was oddly excited by the dark clouds forming today. The 30 year-old has been yearning for rain to occur on Saturdays for the past couple of months, mainly so her boyfriend Jake Macaskill can’t play cricket, the sport that he loves tragically and cannot be played […]
<strong>Woman At Work Drinks Does Quick Shoulder Check Before Unleashing What She Really Thinks Of Team Leader</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture “CAN’T STAND HER!” Olivia Boyce was being extremely careful at this afternoon’s regular Friday drinks. Not that she was monitoring her alcohol intake, but more to the fact she was monitoring the whereabouts of her team leader Jessica Roberts. A woman who she absolutely despises at the Ministry of Primary Industries. […]
TRIMMING THE FAT: Elon Musk Gives Twitter’s Underperforming Therapy Dog The Chop
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture SORRY LUCKY Elon Musk’s firing spree at Twitter continued today, as the billionaire this time gave therapy dog Lucky his marching orders. Lucky has been with the social media giant for the last two years, where he basically gets led into the office headquarters by his handler to receive pats and […]
<strong>Bloke Who’s Sick Of Being Tagged In Facebook Posts Nukes His Account</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture HAD ENOUGH Liam Spratt’s time on social media platform Facebook has come to an abrupt end. The 31-year-old took to social media today, not to post anything himself, but to hit the self-destruct button on his Facebook account. All this was in an attempt to eliminate his mates’ ability to tag […]
Only Homeowner In Millennial Friend Group Annoys The Rest With Gardening Chat
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture “WE GET IT, YOU’VE GOT A HOUSE” David Hamilton, 29, sent eyes rolling today when he brought up the topic of all the work he’s been doing on the section of his house, which he owns. The Wellington based project manager seems to have edged ahead of the others in his […]
Local Man Who Had Work In The Morning Did Not Look At Lunar Eclipse
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local “NAH MISSED IT” Stokes Valley local Doug Turner, 28, has missed the total lunar eclipse that happened last night. A total lunar eclipse happens when the Moon, Earth and Sun line up during a full moon, giving the moon a red appearance. The builder (whose regular 5 o’clock wake-up had no […]
<strong>NZ CUP DAY: Christchurch Race Goers Look Forward To Being Comfortably Steamed At 10:37 AM</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture COMING IN HOT Mid morning on a Tuesday isn’t usually the time when you’d expect nearly 20,000 people to be six to eight standard drinks deep. But that’s likely to be happening at Christchurch’s Addington Raceway tomorrow for The New Zealand Trotting Cup, the biggest day on NZ’s racing calendar. By […]
<strong>Local Lesbian Sick of Explaining “My Cats Are My Children”</strong>
KASSIE MACKAY | Culture “NOT ALL BABIES COME IN PRAMS” Bella Connors, a local 30-something whose sexual preferences preclude natural procreation, is fed up this week. The rationale for her rage: she’s sick and tired of being quizzed on matters of family planning despite being clear that her cats are, in fact, her children. Connors’ […]
<strong>CUP WEEK: Anti Racing Activist Urged To Consider The Joy Of A Champagne Brekky And Day On The Punt</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture OH GO ON… Smug millennial Ruby Wareing is likely never going to know what it is like to have a full head of steam before 10 am on the second Tuesday of November. But now she has been strongly urged to at least consider it. Wareing, who resides in Wellington’s Aro […]
