MORE POOR POLLING: Ardern Schedules Second Trip To Antarctica In The Hope That She Polls Better With Penguins
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics THE PENGUINS DON’T BELIEVE MISINFORMATION Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern is apparently planning a second trip to Antarctica in February. Unlike her trip a month ago, this trip is all about getting some political wins under her belt. Because Ms. Ardern’s polling is not where she’d like it to be in New […]
Man Suddenly Remembers Beer Bottle He Put In The Freezer After Hearing Loud Bang From The Kitchen
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture SAID HE WOULDN’T FORGET Saturday night beer drinker Mark Hammersmith decided he’d roll the dice last night, opting to rapidly cool the temperature of two of his beer bottles by putting them in the freezer. Hammersmith was of course gambling on his own ability to remember that he had deposited the […]
Low Level Employee Looking To Cash In On Christmas Party Bar Tab
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture MAKING IT COUNT Brodie Patterson couldn’t get up to the bar quick enough at his company’s end of year xmas do this afternoon. The 22 year-old customer advisor, who answers queries on the phones for a living, was determined to make the most of the free alcohol being provided by his […]
Labour Turns Down Fog Cannon Requests And Offers Their Own Brain Fog Instead
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics “GLOBAL SHORTAGE” The Government is set to announce an innovative new plan to keep our shops safe from violent criminals once and for all. Because of the “global shortage” of fog cannons, which were meant to be rolled out to shop owners that needed them to protect their shops from armed […]
School Friend Who Is Not Capable Of Doing Law Degree Enrols In Law Degree
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture SHOOT FOR THE STARS Palmerston North based school leaver Blair Smalley raised eyebrows yesterday when he revealed that he was enrolling at Victoria University to do a law degree. The majority of surprise came from school friend Simon Harrison, who knows his friend Blair is a good bloke, but is definitely […]
<strong>Football Fan Quietly Accepts His Country’s Loss Without Rioting In The Streets</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport JUST A GAME Luc Hazard was unperturbed today. The Belgian born and bred 29-year-old left a bar in Brussels and returned home to get some sleep after watching his team’s shock 2-0 loss to Morocco. Instead of flipping tables, throwing bar stools and then carrying on this behaviour onto the streets […]
Man Who Recklessly Claimed He ‘Can’t Wait For Summer’ Quickly Remembers He Lives In Wellington
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture CAN’T BEAT IT ON A GOOD DAY THOUGH Wellington local Ben Ward nearly forgot what city he was in today, after carelessly and thoughtlessly claiming he “can’t wait for summer”. The 25 year old Mt Vic resident, who will be working in the capital all the way through Christmas and new […]
Luxon Hoping That The “Make It 16” Campaigners Don’t Try To Ram Raid His House
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics “BLOODY KIDS!” National Party Leader Christopher Luxon is set to kill any hope Labour might have had to expand their voter base by reducing the legal voting age to 16. The proposed change to the law would require 75% support in parliament to go through. While Luxon is certain about keeping […]
<strong>Mum Who Doesn’t Understand BYC Holds False Belief That Her Kids Can Just “Do That At The Park”</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport NOT THE SAME Mother of two Jane Andrews was coming in hot this evening. That’s because for the second time in as many minutes she heard a tennis ball hit the house, which was being used by her two sons who were happily playing cricket in the backyard. “Zack! Matthew! You […]
Wellington Public Servant High Fives Herself For Making Her Lunch Instead Of Spending $15 At Foodcourt
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture IT ALL ADDS UP 29-year-old comms advisor Lauren Campbell is feeling like a ‘super saver’ today, as she forwent her usual trip to the foodcourt for lunch, opting instead for leftovers from dinner. “I was listening to a podcast about managing money last night, and just got inspired to pack my […]
