Gen Z Student Trapped On Hold To StudyLink Hears Brooke Fraser For The First Time
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture THROWING HER A LIFELINE Vic uni student Zara Ellison had her reality expanded today after finding herself in the unfortunate position of being on hold, waiting to talk to Studylink. The 18 year-old from Wellington was held captive to her phone for what felt like an eternity, until she was suddenly […]
WARRIORS WIN AGAIN: Local Bloke Looks At Booking Flights To NRL Grand Final
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport GETTING IN EARLY Nevermind that there’s still more than 20 rounds in the NRL season to go, die hard Warriors fan Mark Hickey is certain his beloved Warriors will be making the NRL grand final this year. His confidence comes after the Warriors came from behind in a gutsy 16-14 victory […]
Local Man Believes The 12 Beers Ravaging His Insides Will Vanish After A Sluggish 5k Run
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture RUNNING AWAY FROM THE HANGOVER Enthusiastic runner Isaac Holmes lied to himself and those around him this morning as he laced up his New Balances for his morning run. His claim was that despite having a life-altering hangover from a dozen plus beers the night before, he would be able to […]
Man With Work To Do Suddenly Drops Everything To Google “Christian Cullen Highlights”
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport FARRK HOW GOOD WAS HE? Tom Anderson was traditionally a solid, reliable employee at the Ministry of Business Innovation and Employment. Many in the office called him a “rising star” in the public service. Today however, the 32-year-old found himself distracted by something far more engaging than his work on tenancy […]
Chippy Hipkins Reckons The Fart Tax Would Actually Burn Quite Well On His Policy Bonfire
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics HIGHLY FLAMMABLE As Chippy Hipkins’ bonfire of unpopular policies gets bigger, and support goes up for Labour, the young man from Upper Hutt is on the lookout for more rubbish to cast out into the inferno. Sources close to the government have overheard Hipkins talking about the big pile of unwanted […]
Schick Announces Limited Edition “Razor Robertson” Quattro
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National SHARP FUTURE AHEAD After today’s announcement that Scott Robertson would take control of the All Blacks from 2024, razor company Schick has made an announcement of their own. They announced that they will release a special edition of their Quattro range, calling it none other than “Razor Robertson”, a nod to […]
NZ Rugby Does Big Office Clean Out And Finds Their Logic And Reason
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport TOOK A WHILE! After what felt like years of searching, New Zealand Rugby have finally found their misplaced logic and reason, appointing Crusaders super coach Scott Robertson to lead the All Blacks after this year’s World Cup. Today’s announcement brings an end to the tumultuous saga that had been dragging on […]
Local Vegan Rejects Chris Hipkins’ “Bread And Butter” Issues And Raises “Bread And Olivani Table Spread” Issues
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics PLANT BASED POLICY Morally superior, animal-loving vegan Maria Sorensen has taken issue with PM Chris Hipkins’ new media line, “bread and butter issues”. While many media outlets are highlighting the fact that all their favourite Labour policies are being burned to a crisp on a bonfire, Ms. Sorensen has found a […]
Friends Entertain Each Other For Whole Night Taking Turns Naming 1990s/2000s Super Rugby Players
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport GLORY DAYS Matt Holland loves to reminisce about the good old days of the original Super 12 rugby competition. Every time he and his old friend group get together, the conversation always seems to turn to the Super 12 and the players they fondly remembered from their younger years. Just as […]
Bloke Who Swears He Was Home Before Midnight Gets Uber Email Receipt For 1:34AM
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture YOUR SUNDAY MORNING TRIP WITH UBER Scott Davies was adamant that he was home before midnight last night, despite the overwhelming evidence proving otherwise. The 28-year-old had been out enjoying himself with friends at numerous bars, and was this morning under the impression that he was tucked up in his bed […]