Govt Receives Savage Report From Business Leaders – Savageness To Be Peer-Reviewed By Savage
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics WHERE’S MY MOONSHINE? The results of the NZ Herald’s Mood of the Boardroom survey have been described by Newshub as a “savage report card” for the government. The annual NZ Herald Mood of the Boardroom survey of more than 100 business directors and chief executives showed Ardern’s overall performance as Prime […]
One-Eyed Cantab Holds Onto Hope That All Blacks Selectors Will Recall Matt Todd
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport SHOULD’VE PLAYED MORE TESTS Canterbury’s Craig Chamberlain is one hard man to please. “Oh bloody hell, bring in Matt Todd will ya?!” Chamberlain bemoaned as he gazed over the All Blacks team to play the Wallabies this week. The 56 year-old from the Christchurch suburb of Shirley was again clearly frustrated […]
Left field Wellington Mayoral Candidate Presents Controversial Plan To Convert Cycleways Into Open Sewers
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics NO NEED TO FIX THE PIPES Latecomer to the Wellington mayoral race, Jolie Davidson has put forward an interesting new plan to make use of the massively expensive and massively underused cycleways in central Wellington. Davidson’s plan will take pressure off the capital’s water pipes, by turning the existing cycleways into […]
Teammate Who Still Owes Subs Happily Flushes A Hundy Down The Pokies
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture ‘YEAH I’LL DO IT NEXT WEEK’ On paper Liam McMillan appears to be a man of his word. “Yeah I’ll do it next week, no dramas.” McMillan again replied in his football team’s Facebook chat for North Wellington AFC. The problem is, McMillan has said almost the same identical message for […]
Girlfriend Chooses Not To Moan About Boyfriend Using Bodywash Because At Least He’s Clean
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture PICKING HER BATTLES Charlotte Tulloch has learnt that some things just aren’t worth the fight. Her partner Jake Dunlop, a landscaper, had popped around after finishing off a long shift at a house nearby and decided to have a shower before the two had dinner together. Dunlop has been led to […]
Graham Bell Allegedly Returning To Police Ten 7 Just So He Can Call Darcy Swain A ‘Scruffy Mindless Thug’
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport GUTLESS GOON Retired Detective Inspector Graham Bell of Police Ten 7 fame is reportedly coming out of retirement just to let Australian rugby union player Darcy Swain know exactly what he thinks of him. Swain was yellow carded in the controversial Bledisloe Cup match last Thursday for a sickening assault on […]
COMPLAINT SUBMITTED: Karen From Rugby Australia Asks To Speak To The Manager
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport RIGHT ON CUE In news that has shocked nobody, Rugby Australia have reportedly sent a complaint to World Rugby bosses over the controversial decision by French referee Mathieu Raynal in the opening Bledisloe Cup test. The All Blacks 39-37 defeat of Australia in the final minute has sent Rugby Australia and […]
Hungover Woman Agonisingly Ponders Whether To Take Down Drunken Instagram Story
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture “BUT THEN IT’LL LOOK LIKE I REGRET IT” Monique Wheeler, 24, was suffering major grog horrors after having a rather large Saturday night out in the Wellington CBD. The Wellington law clerk made sure she documented every part of her night on her Instagram story, which showcased her visits to multiple […]
Queenstown Airport Shuttle Driver Sick To Death Of Picturesque Scenery
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture BORING It is clear that 60-year-old airport shuttle driver Joseph Cunningham has started taking the beautiful part of the world he lives in for granted. The man has been driving tourists to and from Queenstown Airport for the last 30 years and appears to have had a gutsful. “God, I’m sick […]
BANDWAGON: Warriors Fan Claims That The Rabbitohs Have “Always Been” His Second Team
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport BUNNIES FOR LIFE Mark Hickey’s NRL season has come roaring back to life. With his beloved Warriors again failing to make the competition’s playoffs, the 28 year-old is now fully invested in the season again because his ‘second team’ the South Sydney Rabbitohs, have progressed to the semifinals after demolishing the […]
