Bewildered Student Asks Flatmate “Do We Have A Flat Inspection?” After Seeing Him Using Vacuum
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture WTF! Ben Conway’s heart skipped a few beats when he heard the roar of vacuuming coming from upstairs this morning. The Massey University student in Wellington had not heard the sound since their previous flat inspection three months ago, which is the only time such cleaning of their Mount Cook flat […]
“My Shout!” Jokes Man Who’s Just Had $116.67 Come Into His Account
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National ON ME BOYS! Mitch Fletcher couldn’t wait to hit his local watering hole with his tradie co-workers this afternoon. The Hamilton tradies usually reserve their trip to the Hillcrest Tavern for Friday afternoons, but after the Labour Government’s second cost of living payment entered their bank accounts this afternoon, it was […]
KIWISAVER U-TURN: Government Also Shelves Plan To Smash Open Your Kids’ Piggy Banks
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics DEATH AND TAXES After a spectacular backflip on a plan to start taxing New Zealanders’ KiwiSaver fees, Labour has also quietly put the brakes on a separate plan to steal money directly from children’s piggy banks. The controversial plan was going to be step two of Labour’s scheme to collect enough […]
Bloke Ponders Red Or Black For Tomorrow’s $116.67 Cost Of Living Payment
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National DOUBLE OR NOTHING! Jake Gibson has a big decision to make. It’s not a question of whether the 26 year-old from Pukekohe will throw down his second $116.67 cost of living payment on the roulette table at Auckland’s Sky City Casino, that’s a given. The question is what colour he’ll choose […]
Michael Baker And Siouxsie Wiles Create Matching Outfits Using Their Used Disposable Facemasks
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National EWWW… Epidemiologists and general worry-warts, Siouxie Wiles (born Susanna) and Michael Baker have put a creative twist on their shared passion for face masks. The two spent the weekend together sewing their very own formal wear out of their used face masks. They agreed that they had a fun time making […]
Wellingtonians Once Again Embarrass Themselves Over Intense Excitement About Burger Wellington
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National “YOU DONE MANY BURGERS THIS YEAR? ANY HIGHLIGHTS?” It is that time of year again – Wellington on a Plate, where every middle and upper class Wellingtonian is given the greenlight to get really, really serious about eating burgers. With every bar and restaurant in town worth their salt producing their […]
“A Lot Of Belief In This Team” : Foster Reveals He Also Believes In The Tooth Fairy And The Easter Bunny
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport SANTA ALSO COMES DOWN THE CHIMNEY All Blacks head coach Ian Foster predictably churned out the company line last night following the All Blacks third straight loss at home. “There’s still a lot of belief in this team and I think we are heading in the right direction,” Foster said proudly […]
NZ Rugby Considers Expansion Into Earthworks Industry After Digging Themselves A Massive Hole
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport TIME TO PIVOT New Zealand Rugby has decided that change is needed. Not a change of All Blacks head coach, nothing like that. NZR are now thinking of becoming an excavating contractor given their recent experience in digging holes to a very high standard. Our reporters spoke to NZR Chief Executive […]
Emotional Farewells: The Father Of House Plays Final DJ Set At Parliament
KASSIE MACKAY | Politics THE PARTY’S OVER After less than a year in the DJ booth at New Zealand’s Parliament, Trevor Mallard has decided it’s time to take up a new gig on the Emerald Isle. Ahead of his final performance at Parliament grounds tonight, the so-called “Father of House” sat down with Whakataki Times […]
One-Eyed Cantab Unclenches Jaw As Mo’unga Confirmed To Start
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport “OH THANK CHRIST FOR THAT” Proud Cantabrian Greg Normansen has felt a sudden release of pressure as his favourite member of the Crusaders’ backline was named to start for the All Blacks this weekend. Apart from the general relaxing of every single muscle in his body, all of which had been […]
