“Good Fucking Riddance” Says Nation
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National FINALLY SOME FREEDOM! With the 23 day protest coming to an end on Parliament grounds this afternoon, the Whakataki Times sought comment from New Zealanders on the breaking news. “Thank fuck!” – Brianna Wilson. “Glad that shit-show’s over” – Adrian Taylor. “About fucking time. Nice to actually be free in my […]
Local News Junkie Remembers When The Biggest Controversy Was The Colour Of A Dress
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture BLACK OR GOLD? Juliet Emerson, 27, has had a refreshing wave of nostalgia wash over her after seeing the ‘The dress’ pop up on her Facebook ‘Memories’ this morning. “Ah, it’s definitely still black and blue,” the Whakataki marketing assistant said to herself with confidence, while reminiscing about a simpler time […]
“Unruly Tourists” Looking Pretty Bloody Good Right Now
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National DO YA MISS ME WHEN I’M GONE? The ‘unruly travellers’ who once apparently ‘wrecked havoc’ by descending on the country’s North Island for a summer holiday in 2019 are looking pretty damn good in comparison to the angry mob of 1,000 protesters who have drained police resources, threatened the public and […]
“Ha Fuck You Elsa” Says Dad As Daughter Replaces Frozen Poster With Zoi Sadowsky-Synnott
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local NEW ICE PRINCESS IN TOWN Local father Jordie Jacobsen couldn’t be prouder as his 6 year old daughter Charlotte unceremoniously ripped down her Frozen Elsa poster, and replaced it with a poster of gold medal-winning Olympian snowboarder Zoi Sadowsky-Synnott. “Yesss good on ya Char, get it outta here. No need to […]
Tinder Swindler Brought In To Persuade Protesters To Leave Parliament Grounds
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National GETTING THE JOB DONE! The New Zealand Government and Police have hired well known con man Simon Leveiv, also known as the ‘Tinder Swindler’, in an attempt to convince protesters to exit Parliament grounds as the protest nears its third week. Leveiv has been the subject of Netflix’s latest documentary ‘The […]
Wannabe Influencer Struggling With The Fact That He’s Not A Hot Girl With A Good iPhone
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National Ben Aplin, 26, is grappling with the fact that he will fail to make any ground on his new Instagram account, as he is simply not a hot girl with a decent iPhone. The graphic designer from Wellington explained his frustration about the stagnant state of his social media status to […]
Zoi’s Dad Urged To Have A Few Waters Before Tonight’s Live Interview
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport A GLASS OF WATER BEFOREHAND SEAN? New Zealand’s newest national treasure Sean Synott, father of Winter Olympics gold medallist Zoi Sadowski-Synnott has had a bit of a prompt to ‘just have a few waters’ before embarking on what will no doubt be another iconic profanity-laden live interview after Zoi’s Big Air […]
Very Single Woman Vanishes From All Social Media On Valentines Day
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture USER NOT FOUND! Chloe Mckenzie, 25 (single) has abruptly disappeared from all platforms of social media, coincidently coming on the annual day of love, Valentines Day. The Whakataki Times, who had to track Mckenzie down in person, questioned why the accounts payable clerk from New Plymouth decided to pull off a […]
Police Threaten to Send In Grumpy Old Man Yelling “Get Off My Lawn!”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National SEND IN THE BIG GUNS New Zealand Police have put the fear of God into anti-mandate protesters on Parliament grounds today, after making a threat to send in a grumpy old man demanding they get the hell off his lawn. Sid Barnes, 72, spoke with Police Commissioner Andrew Coster this morning. […]
Newshub Bids For Broadcast Rights To Zoi’s Dad’s Speech At Her 21st
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National Following the viral popularity of Sean Synnott’s profanity-laden interview about his daughter Zoi’s Olympic gold medal this week, Newshub appears to be hungry for more Sean. They are allegedly in talks with the family to obtain rights to broadcast Sean’s inevitably epic speech at Zoi’s 21st birthday in March. A source […]
