New General Manager Upholds Te Tiriti By Starting The Day Off With A Friendly “Morayna”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local John Leighton, 55, has made great strides towards making New Zealand a more equal society for Māori by greeting his mostly white staff today with a friendly “Morayna”. Leighton, the new general manager at Whakataki Fish and Seafood, never thought he’d be the poster boy for cultural sensitivity. “Hey it’s not […]
REPORT: ‘What the Fuck Are NFTs?’ Asks Everyone
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local The Whakataki Times can report that the explanation of an ‘NFT’ being just a “non-fungible token” has been met with furious indignation on a large scale. This was after the vague explanation once again failed to make anything any clearer. Whakataki local Tara Harris, 26, was just one of many who […]
Do-Gooder’s Head Explodes Upon Hearing That Best Face Masks Are Also Worst For The Environment
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National Wellington student and all-round do-gooder Lucy Mayfield’s head exploded earlier this week after hearing that the surgical grade blue face masks, designed to be deposited straight into landfill after a few uses, are now considered a top option for reducing the spread of the Big O, also known as the Omicron […]
Local Landscaper Keen To Lock In Hole-Digging Expert
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local Whakataki Landscaping owner-operator Troy Sullivan has allegedly been in touch with COVID-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins after he demonstrated a seemingly effortless ability to dig himself a colossal hole. This follows Hipkins’ mishandling of the Charlotte Bellis MIQ debacle. Sullivan, 48, said he’s never seen someone dig themselves such a big […]
MIQ Spot Guaranteed For Charlotte Bellis After Promo Company Books Her For Drum And Bass Tour
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National GOOD SAMARITANS. Wellington-based music events promoters, Bangin’ Beats have booked stranded, pregnant kiwi Charlotte Bellis for a ten date drum and bass tour of New Zealand. The good samaritans made the booking because it is common knowledge that the best way to skip the MIQ queue is to be a DJ. […]
Very Eligible Boyfriend Dumped by Influencer Due to Poor Photography Talent
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture JUST A COUPLE MORE!! Kaide Davis, 23, has been abruptly dumped by his girlfriend Maddy Andrews, 21, after he took 236 photos of her at Coromandel’s Cathedral Cove, but failed to produce a single image deemed good enough to gain traction on her Instagram profile. This was despite him being highly […]
Low Level Regional Newspaper Hoping Very Available Journo Can Add Some Star Power
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National SOS! We at the Whakataki Times have made a desperate plea to former TV3 Political Editor Tova O’Brien, to come onboard and overhaul our political reporting department. This comes after an independent report into our operations rated our general attitude as “completely disengaged politically”. Upon hearing that O’Brien is very available […]
Boomer Drafts Complaint To The Broadcasting Standards Authority Ahead Of Black Clash Commentary
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport ON THE FRONT FOOT EARLY Keith Williams, 69, will once again tune in to watch the Hot Spring Spas T20 Black Clash this weekend. Like many cricket lovers his age, he loves everything about the Black Clash except the commentary. As the same group of commentators return for the TVNZ broadcast, […]
Wellington Man Pretends To Enjoy The Taste Of Very High Percentage Craft Beer
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National Ryan Anderson put on the acting performance of his life on Sunday. The stage was set when the 31 year old freelance designer met friends for drinks at a painfully trendy bar in the Wellington suburb of Newtown. Anderson’s friend Jamie was ordering at the bar and asked him what he […]
Woman Claims To Need Holiday To Recover From Her Holiday
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture BACK TO WORK BLUES! Kelly Higgins, 27, does not want to accept the reality she is in. “It’s like I need a holiday to recover from my holiday!” laughed the Finance Administrator from Rotorua, surrounded by work colleagues. This comment and many more like it came after spending four weeks sleeping […]
