Wellingtonian Takes Up Vaping For No Reason At All
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture “IT’S JUST NICE WHEN I’M DRINKING” Recent university graduate Regan Deeks has left many scratching their heads after his apparently purposeless decision to take up vaping. The confusion comes as Deeks has never been a regular cigarette smoker, so it is not a case of him switching from darts to something […]
Media Still Reporting On Normal Non-Royal Ginger And Normal Non-Royal TV Actress
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National STILL NEWSWORTHY SOMEHOW Despite “stepping back” from the royal family and royal duties in order to become “financially independent”, Meghan Markle and her husband Harry are still getting considerable media coverage in New Zealand. The newly-normal ginger bloke and former TV actress are now regularly finding themselves at the centre of […]
Ardern Models New Red Rim Skellerups That She’ll Kick Farmers In The Guts With
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics LOOKING THE PART Following her appearance in the World of Wearable Arts fashion show, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has taken to the runway once more to model a classic pair of kiwi gumboots – an accessory that she will most definitely be wearing when she delivers her next boot the guts […]
Woman Asks Office Colleague If She Can Email Her A Document To Print Because She “Can’t Print” At The Moment
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture JUST A QUICK FAVOUR Tessa McGregor has not printed a single thing herself since she started in her current role. The 26 year-old who has been an employee at the Ministry for Primary Industries for four months now, still refuses to connect her work computer with one of the printers, instead […]
Spontaneous Tuesday Morning Hangover Sets This Week Up To Be A Ripper
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture THOSE CRAFT BEERS WILL GETCHA Self-hating public servant Travis Watterson has set himself up for an absolute ripper of a week at his Wellington government job. As if he didn’t hate his job enough already, he has now magnified his despair by inflicting a good old fashioned, head-throbbing hangover. Last night […]
Willie Jackson Confirms New Public Media Entity Will Provide 24 Hour Fuckboy Island Coverage
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics PUBLIC INTEREST BROADCASTING After months of pressure to explain the reason for wanting to merge Radio NZ with TVNZ, Broadcasting Minister Willie Jackson has finally given us a reason. Jackson has announced that the new public media entity will discontinue traditional content like news, sport, and current affairs, and turn the […]
One Eyed Cantab Furious That No Canterbury Loosies Are In The End Of Year Tour Squad
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport “FOSTER!!!” Craig Chamberlain is once again filled with rage. That’s because out of the six loose forwards that have been picked on the All Blacks Northern Hemisphere tour – which has tests against Japan, Wales, Scotland and England – none of the loose forward pack are from the Canterbury region. The […]
Millennial Aucklander Cooks Up Hilarious Tweet About How Old And White New Mayor Wayne Brown Is
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National DESTROYED 29-year old marketing manager Louise Mason has “slayed” new Auckland mayor Wayne Brown, by going on Twitter and pointing out how old and white he is. Despite age and ethnicity being irrelevant when choosing a mayor, compared to the idea of “competence”, Ms. Mason thought it would be perfectly acceptable […]
Local Dad Reckons He’s Finally Got The Lawns Under Control
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local GOT THERE IN THE END Whakataki father of two, Jordan Berger is enjoying a well earned beer this evening, after putting in a mammoth shift mowing lawns this afternoon. After three weekends of mowing in an attempt to get the grass to an acceptable length (after a long, wet winter) Mr […]
Bloke Who Received Rare Text Message Disappointed To Discover It Is Again Just From His Telco
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture DEJA VU For a few seconds Ruben Cochrane felt alive. The 28 year-old furniture salesman at Harvey Norman couldn’t wait to see who the text message was from and ducked away to a quiet area of the store to check. “Oh geez, I heard the ding on my phone and my […]
