Woman At Supermarket Considers The Set Up Costs Of A Home Cheese Making Operation
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National DESPERATE TIMES! Nikki Sinclair’s blood has once again come to a boil when she saw the price of cheese at a Christchurch New World today. “Are you actually kidding me? Like actually?!” she spurted in a fit of rage at the inanimate one kilo dairy product. The 36-year-old mother of two […]
Greens Happily Sit Back As Finance Minister Chops Down A Forest To Print Out Budget Books
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics A PDF WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE. There’s only one thing Green Party co-leaders James Shaw and Marama Davidson love more than the environment, and that’s pointlessly printing booklets about how the government are going to waste all our money. It seems that the obsession with emissions reduction targets have clouded the […]
Gen Z Kids Reckon Large Scale Theft Will Be Great For The Socials
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National COOL BRO! The Whakataki Times can confirm that groups of teenagers scattered across New Zealand have been led to believe that breaking the law through ram-raid style burglaries will enhance their social media presence. The confusion comes as a crime spree continues across Auckland and parts of the South Island, where […]
PM’s Self Isolation Boredom Sparks Fears Of An Imminent TikTok Account
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National PLEASE DON’T! A wave of fear is brewing across the country today. It comes as New Zealanders, who are currently getting a well-deserved break from seeing Covid-riddled Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, worry that the PM will start her own TikTok account out of pure boredom. The Whakataki Times reporters hit the […]
Local Bloke Red Cards Himself From Watching The Warriors For Four Weeks
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND! Whakataki local Ben Squire, 27, has been left with no option but to slap himself with a four week ban from watching the Warriors in the NRL, in the hope that it will improve his state of mind and overall wellbeing. The drastic measure comes […]
Local Mum At Supermarket Never Not Astonished At The Price Of Cheese
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local WHAT?! Cheryl Lancaster has had what felt like a mild heart attack this week, after seeing the price of cheese in the supermarket. This was despite having the exact same reaction every single previous time she has bought it. “Jesus! Did you see the price of cheese in the supermarket?! I […]
Bloke Targeted For Being From Hamilton Fantasises About Starting New Life As A Bloke From Cambridge
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National FRESH START! Jason Weber, 23, has been caught daydreaming once again this morning. The apprentice builder from Hamilton (currently living in Auckland) was recharging after a recent piss take attack from workmates – a regular occurrence on the building site. The attack was unprovoked, but fair enough, as it is an […]
Office Loose Cannon Unleashes Hell On Colleague By Signing Off Email With “Regards”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local TAKE THAT! Local mad c**t James Nelson, 33, has just done the unthinkable, by choosing to sign off his email to a work colleague not with “Kind regards”, but with simply “Regards”. The incident occurred on Wednesday after a two hour morning meeting, followed by a lot of back and forth […]
The Least Son Could Have Done Was Not Be Hungover For Mother’s Day Roast
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture AT LEAST HE TURNED UP! Sean Adams, 28, knows he should have taken it easy on the beers last night. That’s because the Talley’s factory worker from Christchurch knew he was going to have to show up looking some-what alive for a Mother’s Day family dinner on Sunday. “Well it’s not […]
Local Bloke Still Living Off Parents SkyGo Account Since 2014
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture GOOD TO GO! Kris McConnochie, 29, is a man out to impress this evening. “Yeah, told the boys to come around to mine since I’ve got Sky. Beats wasting money on overpriced crafties at the pub. Just told them to rock up with a 12-pack before kick-off. Nothing beats the comfort […]
