Charlotte Bellis Continues Haunting Chris Hipkins In Recurring MIQ Nightmare
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National LEAVE ME ALONE CHARLOTTE! Covid-19 Response Minister Christ Hipkins continues to be haunted in his dreams by journalist Charlotte Bellis. “Arrgghhhhh! Charlotte?!” Hipkins cried, awakening drenched in sweat for the fourth time that night. The sleepless nights for Hipkins have ramped up another level after the Grounded Kiwis Group won a […]
Open Relationship “Saved My Marriage” Says Liar
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local YOU SURE SHE’S NOT JUST CHEATING ON YOU? Many lifestyle columnists and media commentators are now speaking out about how an open relationship, where a couple is honest and open about sex with other partners, is a positive long term strategy for a relationship. And no-one has more praise for this […]
“RIP Twitter” Says Leftie Who Will Definitely Keep Using It
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture HE SHOULD BE FIXING THE ENVIRONMENT!!! Genevieve Yelich, 26, has made a thinly veiled threat to leave social media platform Twitter, in response to billionaire Elon Musk buying the company for $66b today. “Capitalism gone rogue! #RIPTwitter”, tweeted Yelich from her account Geny_nz. Yelich’s tweet comes after the SpaceX founder decided […]
Hospo Worker Smiles Through Gritted Teeth As Customer Claims 10 Days Off Wasn’t Enough
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National OH YOU POOR THING! Sophie Gibson, 22, a waitress at Danny Doolans on Auckland’s Viaduct, has restrained herself from having a violent outburst at a paying customer this evening. It comes after Jase Adams, 34, a well paid product manager from Datacom, attempted to get sympathy from Gibson about how his […]
Local Bloke Fraudulently Says He’ll Get Up For Dawn Service
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National GOOD INTENTIONS! Jake Symons, 26, has fooled absolutely nobody after making the outlandish claim that he’ll be getting up at the crack of dawn on a public holiday for the Anzac service. “Nah I’ll be up! I’ve got the alarm set for 5:30am, I get up most weekdays at this time […]
Aussie Super Rugby Teams Offered ‘Mercy Rule’ To Avoid Total Humiliation By Kiwis This Weekend
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport JUST LOOKING OUT FOR A MATE The Australian teams have been offered a much needed lifeline this weekend, with the introduction of the ‘Mercy Rule‘, in what’s likely to be a Super Rugby bloodbath. The new law would mean that any Australian Super Rugby team could have the game called off […]
Office Covid Update Enthusiast No Longer Telling People Daily Case Numbers
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local END OF AN ERA Jan Wainwright, a team administrator at Whakataki Holdings Ltd, has apparently lost interest in the daily reports of rampant disease in this country, as she has stopped giving her co-workers helpful updates about case numbers of COVID-19. It has now been more than three weeks since Wainwright […]
REPORT: Auckland Couples Trying To Get On The Property Ladder Could Not Give a Fuck About ‘Character’ Homes
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National KNOCK EM DOWN! The Whakataki Institute Of Property Investment has released a report finding that 9 out of 10 prospective first home buyers “could not give a fuck” about retaining ‘heritage’ houses built before 1940. The report comes as Auckland Council announced changes to zoning that would open up 5000 ‘character’ […]
Local Bloke Attempts To Brush Over The Fact That He’s From Palmy
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National AWW GUMMON PALMY’S ALL GOOD! Jay Walker, 22, foolishly presumed drinks at an inner city Wellington flat would go unpunished this weekend. “So where are you from anyway?” asked Michael Williams, a clinical psychology student at Wellington’s Victoria University. “Not too far from here. Just up the road actually haha,” Walker […]
Local Woman Claims She’ll Gym All Next Week After Scoffing Back 8th Creme Egg
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local HAVE THE TREATS, THEN DO THE MAHI! Amy Dollimore, 22 has disgraced herself this Easter Sunday. “Shut up! I couldn’t help it!!” screeched Dollimore to the Whakataki Times reporters with her mouth still full of her eighth Cadbury Creme egg. Dollimore, who had promised herself just one Creme egg, lost all […]
