Thousands of Stranded Kiwis Dump DJ Gear As Borders Open Up
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Politics A NEW DIMENSION! Ex-pat Kiwi Aaron Sampson, 24, has abruptly disposed of his four day-old turntables and mixer after news that New Zealand will open its borders to Kiwis living abroad. He is just one of thousands of Kiwis that will no longer have to transform themselves into DJs in order […]
Do-Gooder’s Head Explodes Upon Hearing That Best Face Masks Are Also Worst For The Environment
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National Wellington student and all-round do-gooder Lucy Mayfield’s head exploded earlier this week after hearing that the surgical grade blue face masks, designed to be deposited straight into landfill after a few uses, are now considered a top option for reducing the spread of the Big O, also known as the Omicron […]
Local Landscaper Keen To Lock In Hole-Digging Expert
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local Whakataki Landscaping owner-operator Troy Sullivan has allegedly been in touch with COVID-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins after he demonstrated a seemingly effortless ability to dig himself a colossal hole. This follows Hipkins’ mishandling of the Charlotte Bellis MIQ debacle. Sullivan, 48, said he’s never seen someone dig themselves such a big […]
Shoeboxes Now Out Of Reach For Wellington Flat Hunters
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National There’s more disappointment for Wellington flat hunters as the average rental price of a shoebox continues to rise. This comes as median house prices top $1m in the capital city. Seventy five people turned up to the latest viewing, a shoebox formerly home to a pair of Hush Puppies leather sandals […]
MIQ Spot Guaranteed For Charlotte Bellis After Promo Company Books Her For Drum And Bass Tour
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National GOOD SAMARITANS. Wellington-based music events promoters, Bangin’ Beats have booked stranded, pregnant kiwi Charlotte Bellis for a ten date drum and bass tour of New Zealand. The good samaritans made the booking because it is common knowledge that the best way to skip the MIQ queue is to be a DJ. […]
Very Eligible Boyfriend Dumped by Influencer Due to Poor Photography Talent
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture JUST A COUPLE MORE!! Kaide Davis, 23, has been abruptly dumped by his girlfriend Maddy Andrews, 21, after he took 236 photos of her at Coromandel’s Cathedral Cove, but failed to produce a single image deemed good enough to gain traction on her Instagram profile. This was despite him being highly […]
Low Level Regional Newspaper Hoping Very Available Journo Can Add Some Star Power
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National SOS! We at the Whakataki Times have made a desperate plea to former TV3 Political Editor Tova O’Brien, to come onboard and overhaul our political reporting department. This comes after an independent report into our operations rated our general attitude as “completely disengaged politically”. Upon hearing that O’Brien is very available […]
HEALTH AND SAFETY NIGHTMARE: Public Servant Working From Home Running A Laptop-Couch Workstation
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National Wellington-based communications advisor Ben Jamieson, 33, has shocked and appalled his health and safety rep at the Ministry of Education, after a zoom call revealed his brazenly non-compliant work-from-home workstation. Jamieson’s utter disregard for health and safety was exposed yesterday morning, when HR advisor Gemma Thompson noticed his laptop-couch arrangement during […]
Woman’s LinkedIn Profile Celebrates 10 Year Work Anniversary At Job She Left Nine Years Ago
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National Amelia Hawkins, 32, was the toast of her local LinkedIn community today after celebrating 10 years as a part-time fashion shop assistant at Hawke’s Bay’s “Amazing Diva”. This was despite her moving away from the region in 2013. “Congrats on your work anniversary!” said one comment from Brodie Thompson. “Congrats on […]
LEAKED: Retiree’s Full Complaint About Widely Popular Fresh Approach To Cricket Commentary
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport NOT THAT ANYONE ASKED FOR IT Following the Rugby vs Cricket Black Clash coverage on Saturday night, Keith Williams, 69, has followed through with his promise to be decisively revolted by the Alternative Commentary Collective. Boomer Drafts Complaint To The Broadcasting Standards Authority Ahead Of Black Clash Commentary Keith has not […]
