“Unruly Tourists” Looking Pretty Bloody Good Right Now
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National DO YA MISS ME WHEN I’M GONE? The ‘unruly travellers’ who once apparently ‘wrecked havoc’ by descending on the country’s North Island for a summer holiday in 2019 are looking pretty damn good in comparison to the angry mob of 1,000 protesters who have drained police resources, threatened the public and […]
“Ha Fuck You Elsa” Says Dad As Daughter Replaces Frozen Poster With Zoi Sadowsky-Synnott
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local NEW ICE PRINCESS IN TOWN Local father Jordie Jacobsen couldn’t be prouder as his 6 year old daughter Charlotte unceremoniously ripped down her Frozen Elsa poster, and replaced it with a poster of gold medal-winning Olympian snowboarder Zoi Sadowsky-Synnott. “Yesss good on ya Char, get it outta here. No need to […]
Tinder Swindler Brought In To Persuade Protesters To Leave Parliament Grounds
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National GETTING THE JOB DONE! The New Zealand Government and Police have hired well known con man Simon Leveiv, also known as the ‘Tinder Swindler’, in an attempt to convince protesters to exit Parliament grounds as the protest nears its third week. Leveiv has been the subject of Netflix’s latest documentary ‘The […]
Wannabe Influencer Struggling With The Fact That He’s Not A Hot Girl With A Good iPhone
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National Ben Aplin, 26, is grappling with the fact that he will fail to make any ground on his new Instagram account, as he is simply not a hot girl with a decent iPhone. The graphic designer from Wellington explained his frustration about the stagnant state of his social media status to […]
Trevor Mallard Allegedly Slashing Tyres Ahead Of Car-Towing Operation
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National NOT ON MY WATCH In a bold move to continue undermining police efforts to manage the vaccine mandate protest, Parliamentary Speaker Trevor Mallard is now allegedly slashing the tyres of cars about to be towed. This follows the Speaker’s bizarre decision to take things into his own hands, blasting intentionally annoying […]
Zoi’s Dad Urged To Have A Few Waters Before Tonight’s Live Interview
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport A GLASS OF WATER BEFOREHAND SEAN? New Zealand’s newest national treasure Sean Synott, father of Winter Olympics gold medallist Zoi Sadowski-Synnott has had a bit of a prompt to ‘just have a few waters’ before embarking on what will no doubt be another iconic profanity-laden live interview after Zoi’s Big Air […]
Very Single Woman Vanishes From All Social Media On Valentines Day
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture USER NOT FOUND! Chloe Mckenzie, 25 (single) has abruptly disappeared from all platforms of social media, coincidently coming on the annual day of love, Valentines Day. The Whakataki Times, who had to track Mckenzie down in person, questioned why the accounts payable clerk from New Plymouth decided to pull off a […]
OPENING OLD WOUNDS: Rebecca Black Nervous That “Friday” Will Be Next On Trevor Mallard’s Playlist
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY Rebecca Black, singer of the ear-penetrating viral humiliator, Friday, is feeling as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. As Speaker of the House Trevor Mallard attempts to annoy anti-mandate protesters with a mix of Barry Manilow, Macarena and COVID-19 advertising, […]
Police Threaten to Send In Grumpy Old Man Yelling “Get Off My Lawn!”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National SEND IN THE BIG GUNS New Zealand Police have put the fear of God into anti-mandate protesters on Parliament grounds today, after making a threat to send in a grumpy old man demanding they get the hell off his lawn. Sid Barnes, 72, spoke with Police Commissioner Andrew Coster this morning. […]
Bleary-Eyed Local Confirms That Midweek Crafties’ll Bloody Getcha
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local “PHHHHWARRRR” Whakataki electrician Taine Gainford, 29, got the shock of his life this morning, waking up with a completely unexpected hangover. After the local sparkie innocently drank 4-5 craft beers in a trendy bar on Wednesday night, he was taken completely by surprise by the relentless head-throbber that greeted him the […]
