Wellington Local Transfers $100 From Savings Ahead Of Ordering Two Craft Beers
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National JUST TO BE SAFE. Jacob Bentley had accepted his financial fate this afternoon as he stepped into a painfully trendy bar on Wellington’s Cuba Street. Bentley, a 31-year-old plasterer currently flatting in the Wellington suburb of Mornington, made the trip into town to catch up with an old mate. “We hadn’t […]
Man Feels Like He’s Defused A Bomb After Successfully Entering Wifi Password On Back of Router
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local PRESSURE COOKER! Scott Harper was preparing for a relatively mundane trip to Aunty Susan’s this morning. “Just thought I’d pop in to say thanks for the Christmas present and be on my way” said the 21 year-old building apprentice from Hawkes Bay. But this stock standard holiday season visit was about […]
Rebel Sport Staff Prepare For Tsunami Of Eleven-Year-Olds With Vouchers At Boxing Day Sale
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National It’s gameday for Rebel Sport team leader Tania Te Rangi today. “These are the days where you have to turn up. Must be switched on. Not nervous, just excited for a big day!” With tens of thousands of eleven-year-olds receiving Rebel Sport gift vouchers from their aunties for Christmas yesterday, Te […]
Uncle Cuts To The Chase And Gets Insanely Drunk and Obnoxious At Christmas Lunch
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture Local Whakataki Uncle Darryl Clifton was a man on a mission today. The used car salesman, 58, proudly resumed his role as the loud and vulgar member of the family, and decided to leave no doubt ahead of his big day. Christmas Day for many misfit family members around New Zealand […]
Local Bloke Shredding For RnV Not Tracking Well And Relieved With Postponement
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME. It’s Christmas come early for Damian Hayes today. The 23 year-old landscaper from Gisborne was relieved to learn that New Zealand’s premier music festival Rhythm and Vines had been postponed. His relief came after three months of failing to exercise or eat well, and not […]
Really, Really Unpredictable Outcome For Rich, Privileged Aucklanders
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Opinion Whakataki locals were shocked to find out this week that a very well-off couple from Auckland, who blatantly broke lockdown rules by taking a private flight to the Whakataki lakes district, had managed to get away with minor fines. 35-year-old property investor and horse enthusiast, Wilson Willeston was convicted and fined […]
Four-Year-Old Loses All Trust In Father After Being Pinched By Bicycle Helmet Click Buckle
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local Whakataki Dad Kelvin Wells is in the dog box today, going from hero to villain in the eyes of his four-year-old daughter Emma. The 38 year-old father of two began his weeklong stay in said dog box after carelessly breaking his promise to Emma that he would not pinch the skin […]
Newly Engaged Couple Happy With The Subtlety Level Achieved Through Ring Placement In Social Media Announcement
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National Newly engaged Auckland pair, Nicole Gillies and Hamish Wright have achieved what many thought was impossible. Their engagement announcement photo (uploaded to social media over the weekend) featured Nicole’s engagement ring positioned so precisely in the frame, that their message to friends and family was neither too understated, nor too in-your-face […]
Wellington Law Grad Goes Full Year Without Having To Report Any Sexual Misconduct
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National It has been a bewildering year for Hannah Cooper, 22, of Wellington. The Victoria University law-graduate was today celebrating her first year in the job at Randall-McClay and also celebrating the fact she went the full year without being sexually harrassed by a much older male solicitor at the firm. “Yeah, […]
Woman Sinks To New Low With $6 Bottle Of Wine Ahead Of $10 Corkage
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local Amelia Webster was momentarily paralysed today. The Whakataki Times can reveal that the incident occured when the 25 year-old kindergarten aide received the following message in her Facebook group chat of old high-school friends: “Hey lovelies! Just a heads up that corkage will be $10 tonight. This was the only place […]
