Big Poll Result For National: Newstalk ZB Bosses Prepare For A Very Hungover Mike Hosking
ALWAYS BE PREPARED.
In a remarkable show of forward thinking, the higher-ups at Newstalk ZB are reportedly bracing themselves for a dangerously hungover Mike Hosking. The popular radio host, renowned for his opinions and undying love for the National Party, has likely started on a big night out, leaving his bosses to deal with the aftermath.
The predicted piss up follows a landmark poll result for National in tonight’s 1News Verian Poll, which dealt a devastating blow to Labour, who have slumped four points to 29%.
Kiwi Woman Can’t Understand How Her Mate Is Still Affording Europe Three Months In
NEVER ENDING HOLIDAY.
Shanya Croy of Christchurch has found herself perplexed.
While the 27 year-old diligently navigates her min wage admin assistant job, complete with steaming mugs of tea and the persistent winter chill, her friend Kelly Reed has seemingly cracked the code of endless European indulgence.
For the past three months, Kelly’s Instagram feed has been a visual symphony of cobblestone streets, gelato-stained smiles, and dreamy sunsets, much to Shanya’s bewilderment.
Sam Uffindell Now Allegedly Buying Family Groceries Online
MODERN CONVENIENCE.
Following recent controversy over comments he made about his supermarket habits, Tauranga MP Sam Uffindell is reportedly embracing the convenience of online grocery shopping.
Uffindell, who faced criticism for remarks that were perceived as sexist, seems to have shifted his approach by trying out the New World online shopping app.
In response to the backlash, Uffindell is expressing admiration for how easy it is to use the app, claiming it will allow him to avoid public scrutiny while still engaging in everyday tasks.
WOAP TIME: Like Clockwork, Wellingtonians Once Again Become Laser-Focused On Eating Burgers
WHAT BURGERS ARE ON YOUR LIST?
The annual “Wellington on a Plate” festival has once again ignited the passions of middle to high income Wellingtonians, giving them the excuse they were looking for to eat a shameful number of burgers.
As the city’s bars and restaurants unveil their specially crafted “woap” burgers, along with the standard avalanche of social media promo content, it’s fair to say Wellington’s cashed up laptop class are positively fizzing.
“Chippy Taxkins” Nickname Not Really Rolling Off The Tongue Like “Taxinda” Did
NOT THE SAME.
Following the trend set by the nickname “Taxinda” for former Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, a local nickname aficionado has attempted to coin a similar moniker for current Prime Minister Chris Hipkins. However, the results have been less than stellar.
Meet Nick Namar, a 30-year-old Christchurch resident with a knack for turning political figures’ names into catchy, and often satirical, nicknames. His latest endeavour attempts to once again highlight Labour’s traditional love of tax.
Warriors Social Media Manager Enjoying Job This Year
UP THE WAHS.
The social media manager for the New Zealand Warriors team has found themselves in a state of euphoria in 2023.
That’s because the One NZ Warriors have been consistently winning rugby league matches, making it extremely easy for the team’s social media manager to relay messages about the team’s progress to their beloved followers on social media.
With the Warriors currently sitting third on the NRL ladder and looking almost certain to make the playoffs, it’s made Kara Bennett’s job a lot easier in 2023.
Palmy Mum Reminds Spanish Women’s Team That Only Boring People Get Bored
MINDSET.
Two weeks after leaving Palmerston North, citing boredom, the Spanish women’s football team has received some sage advice from local resident, Kelly Warburn.
“Only boring people get bored,” declared Warburn, a 50-year-old mother of three, as she sipped her cup of tea in her cozy Palmy living room.
“I’ve been telling my kids this for years, and it applies to anyone. If you’re truly interesting and full of life, you can find excitement in even the most uneventful places.”
Wellington Bureaucrat On Day Off Chucks On Hi-Vis To Feel Like He’s Part Of A Team
IMPOSTER SYNDROME.
In a false display of solidarity with New Zealand’s backbone, a policy advisor at the Ministry of Education took a day off work to engage in some personal errands, choosing to don an old hi-vis t-shirt to bask in the camaraderie of Wellington’s tradies.
Jacob Thompson, a 30-something desk jockey, decided to venture out of his bureaucratic cocoon to dip his toes in the world of manual labour, albeit temporarily. Armed with his trusty pen and a clipboard (filled with nothing but a grocery list), Thompson embarked on his quest for a sense of belonging.
Mention Of Carlos Spencer Causes Local Mum To Melt Into Toffee Pop Moment
MUM’S MEMORY VAULT.
55 year old mother of two, Susan Thomson got more than she bargained for when she heard the name “Carlos Spencer” being mentioned yesterday.
The incident occurred during a casual conversation at the local supermarket, where the part time administrator was innocently browsing the biscuit aisle. As friend Jane nonchalantly mentioned Carlos Spencer, Thompson reportedly began to blush furiously and reportedly turned the colour of a ripe tomato.
Hopeless Romantic Cooks Meal From Scratch Naturally Relying On NZ Rugby Kitchen
BIT A DAN CARTER’S LASAGNE.
In a heartwarming display of affection, 22 year old Dannevirke man Hamish Bellwater endeavored to woo the woman he’s dating by crafting a homemade meal from scratch.
Taking inspiration from none other than All Black legend Dan Carter, he delved into the pages of the 2012 cookbook “NZ Rugby Kitchen” to recreate Carter’s lasagne recipe.
Carter’s lasagne recipe contained mince, cheese, lasagne sheets and not much else, but the recipe page made a point of noting that “Aaron Cruden and Zac Guildford are also keen lasagne cooks”.
