Disengaged Public Servant Still Hoping For A Redundancy This Christmas
DEAR SANTA.
Chloe Reginald, a 27 year old policy advisor at the Ministry of Education is still hanging onto the hope that she’ll get the gift she really wants this Christmas.
Reginald has worked on policy at the Ministry for two years now, and does not believe she has found real purpose in her job yet. Her three major pieces of work over the last two years have just recently been rejected and thrown in the trash by the new government, as was expected.
“Come on David, give me what I want this Christmas,” she said, referring to David Seymour who has promised to make major staffing cuts across the public sector bureaucracy.
Man In Rush To Do Christmas Shopping Sidesteps Through Footpath Congestion Like A 1996 Cullen
THE PAEKAKARIKI EXPRESS.
Dave Lonergan, a 34 year old builder from the Kapiti Coast, has once again left his Christmas shopping to the second to last week, and has thus had to navigate a torturous Lambton Quay in Wellington.
Lonergan rarely ventures into the big smoke, with no real passion for consumerism, and had to use all the tricks in his locker just to get around town.
“Couldn’t believe how many people were out on the street, swanning into shops, all walking slowly. I just wanted to get in there and get out as fast as possible.”
New Zealand Rugby Confirms Haka Will Not Be Replaced With Traditional English Folk Dancing
PHEW!
The New Zealand Rugby union has put many New Zealanders’ minds at ease today.
Chief Executive Mark Robinson confirmed the All Blacks traditional pregame haka will not in fact be replaced by a strange rhythmic dance called Morris dancing, a form of English folk dance.
The confirmation comes as rumours swirl from an outraged social media mob that the haka will be canned or replaced altogether.
Major Uptick In Children Asking Santa For A Pack Of Darts
NAUGHTY OR NICE.
According to an Official Information request made to Santa’s workshop, there has been a marked increase in the number of New Zealand children asking for tobacco products for Christmas this year.
While toys and lollies made up the bulk of children’s wish list items, 42% of kiwi children have also asked for a pack of darts. That’s up 20% since last year.
Labour health spokesperson and former health minister Ayesha Verrall believes this is because the new government reversed Smokefree legislation. “You see? I told you! National are not fit to govern!
Kiwi Woman Battling Cost Of Living Crisis Only Half Joking About Selling Feet Pics Online
NAH I WOULDN’T.
23 year old retail worker Hayley Jordan was caught googling the term “FeetFinder” today, after talking to a friend about ways to earn extra money during the cost of living crisis.
“I just wanted to see what the fuss was about, obviously I’m not going to do it,” she said unconvincingly while simultaneously giggling.
This was only days after the Hamiltonian made an off-colour joke about the cost of her grocery bill. Her exact words were “if prices go any higher I might have to sell pictures of my feet to weirdos on the internet”.
Luxon On Cabinet Leaks: “Gee I Feel Rocked. It’s Been So Rocky. I’m Always Getting Rocked By Things”
ROCKED.
Prime Minister Christopher Luxon was visibly shaken this morning, apparently still recovering from having his world rocked last week.
Media reported that the government had been ‘rocked’ by a second cabinet leak in as many weeks.
“Oh man, my world’s been totally turned upside down by this. Completely shook,” he said this morning.
Arsehole Dog Refuses To Shake Off After Swim Unless Right Next To Owner
AAAAARGH F**K OFF!
Maggie Adams’ dog Bella has begun absolutely taking the piss on their daily walks to the beach.
Bella, a 4 year old chocolate labrador, has always loved the water. But she’s no longer content with simply swimming and running her way up the beach, as Maggie leisurely strolls barefoot on the sand.
She’s begun running over to Maggie after every small dip in the water.
“She’ll come straight from swimming to right where I’m walking and shake all the water all over me,” Maggie says.
Increase In Midweek Beers Inspires Auckland CEO To Strategically Give Up On December
LOST CAUSE.
The Chief Executive of a small Auckland insurance firm has made a controversial move late in 2023.
Robert Davies, CEO of Blue Tick Insurance, has noticed the uptick in his staff going for beers early in the afternoon, and has decided to let it be, even if sales end up being flat for the month.
“It’s a strategic decision that will pay off in the long run. The team has worked hard all year and the worst thing I could do for motivation right now would be to get on people’s cases about leaving early,” he said while enjoying a beer in the office himself.
Working Family Feeling The Cost Of Living Crisis Starts Ordering Plain Naan Instead Of Cheese And Garlic
OUCH.
The pain being felt by the ongoing cost of living crisis has hit the Williams family where it hurts.
A regular working family from Lower Hutt, the Williams’ are relatively frugal; Mum Sienna estimates they get takeaways once or twice a month.
“It’s either a bit of a treat or we get it on a day where we’ve been busy and it’s just easier than cooking. The kids love Indian and I spent some time travelling there when I was younger, so it’s a bit of a go-to.”
Kinda Short Man Absolutely Thrilled To Reach Can From The Top Shelf Of Supermarket Aisle
STOKED.
A man of below average height has barely held it together after plucking a can from the very top shelf of his local Pak N Save.
Pakuranga insurance rep Zane O’Connell is often ribbed by his mates for his height. At 5 foot 5, he’s definitely on the short side, but perhaps not as much as his nickname “The Infant” would suggest.
“I’m ok with being short, but the cricket boys take it to the next level,” he says.
However, after this week’s visit to the supermarket, he now has some ammunition to counter all the stick he gets.
