Man Begins Therapy To Address Childhood Trauma Of Christian Cullen Being Dropped
UNRESOLVED ISSUES.
30-year-old Jacob Hall is getting psychiatric help after twenty years of not being able to process John Mitchell dropping Christian Cullen from the All Blacks in 2003.
This was despite Cullen being in excellent form in Super 12 and being the All Blacks’ record try scorer at the time. Despite the cries for his inclusion in the side, the ABs then went on to get knocked out of the Rugby World Cup by the Wallabies later that year.
With the World Cup rolling around again in 2023, Jacob’s suppressed memories have come back to haunt him once again.
Local Bloke Confirms He Didn’t Just Imagine Ardie Wearing Those Goggles That Time
DEFINITELY HAPPENED.
A Napier man was relieved to find out this morning that he didn’t just imagine Ardie Savea wearing those goggles that one time during the 2019 Rugby World Cup.
Jordan McDonald, 30, has finally put to rest a nagging doubt that has plagued him for almost four years.
McDonald woke up today and was suddenly struck once again by an inner vision of Ardie Savea, lining up for the All Blacks wearing a pair of what looked like black, oversized scuba goggles.
Local Man With Bluetooth Speaker Confidently Predicts Everyone’s Loving His Music
UNFLAPPABLE.
A local man was seen strutting down Courtenay Place today with a Bluetooth speaker blaring what he confidently claimed to be “some hot shit that’s the future,” leaving bystanders amused, puzzled and annoyed.
Witnesses reported that the man, identified only as “Rex”, appeared to be under the impression that his choice of music was universally beloved by all who had the privilege of hearing it.
Dressed all in red and enjoying one of those rare but unbeatable sunny Wellington days, Rex’s aura of musical omnipotence was undeniable.
Christ’s College Student Googles “Cost Of Living Crisis Definition”
RESEARCH PROJECT.
Christ’s College student Jayden Dickson is still struggling to grasp the much talked about “Cost Of Living Crisis”
The 16 year-old who attends the prestigious Christ’s College private school in Christchurch is finding it hard to comprehend the dire financial situation faced by many New Zealanders and turned to Google to get a handle on its definition.
“This ‘cost of living crisis’ has been making headlines on the news for years in New Zealand, but I literally have no idea what anyone is talking about. You don’t hear it much around these school grounds,” Dickson said, fully unaware most Kiwis are struggling with rising prices in housing, fuel, and groceries.
Smug Millennial Eagerly Asks “How Was All The Sportsball Over The Weekend?”
COULDN’T WAIT.
Wellington based millennial and active opponent of all things sporting, Ruby Galbraith basically ran into the office this morning.
The 29 year old was completely across the two main sporting results of the weekend, knowing that both the All Blacks and the Warriors had suffered disappointing losses in important matches.
Casually bumping into Sam Ellison and Josh Orr in the kitchen making coffee, Galbraith innocently asked them “Hey guys, how was all the sportsball over the weekend?”.
DIDN’T HAPPEN: Kiwis Immediately Turn Their Focus To Warriors Playoff Game
UP THE WAHS.
After absolutely nothing happening at all this morning, New Zealanders are now turning their focus towards the Warriors, who have their playoff match against Penrith tonight.
This morning was most notable for its uneventfulness, and definitely did not see the All Blacks lose their first ever pool match in their Rugby World Cup history. Kiwis have nonetheless decided to move on as quickly as they can because there’s a chance later this evening that they’ll have something to cheer about.
Mark, a passionate rugby fan who is totally fine, is looking forward to the ‘rugba league’ this evening, despite traditionally not taking much interest in the sport.
Unplanned Hangover Fails To Stop Man From Getting Up For The All Blacks
CALL OF DUTY.
Kane Whitty defied the forces of the external world and a pounding headache to get himself up for the opening game of the Rugby World Cup this morning.
With the All Blacks scheduled to kick off their campaign against the host nation France at 7:15am, the 29 year-old from Christchurch managed to deny himself a much needed Saturday morning sleep in after a night of too many over-priced craft beers.
“Morning guys. Hey, at least I’m up in time for the haka. Can’t miss that!” Whitty said in a slurred voice, still likely pissed from a few hours ago, but had somehow managed to haul out his All Blacks jersey.
Local Man’s Brow Remains Furrowed Nearly Two Weeks Since All Blacks Loss
BITTER PILL.
In a quiet corner of Timaru, the furrowed brow of a 53-year-old man remains a constant reminder of a painful moment for rugby-watching New Zealand.
Since the All Blacks’ shock 35-7 loss to South Africa in Twickenham nearly two weeks ago, Peter Wilson has been personally tormented, his worry spiralling ahead of the All Blacks’ World Cup opener against France tomorrow morning. .
“That was hard to watch,” said Wilson, his voice laden with disappointment. “It’s been over a week, but my brow seems to be permanently stuck in this furrowed position.
Man Screaming At Wellington Bus Driver Wants To Know Why There’s Such A Staff Shortage
JOBS GALORE.
A local man was seen berating a Wellington bus driver today, angrily demanding to know why there’s such a shortage of bus drivers in the city.
At the time of writing it was not clear that the aggravated commuter sensed any irony in what he was saying or doing.
The man’s tirade included gems like, “Why can’t you people find enough drivers?” and “This is ridiculous, I pay my taxes, for f’s sake, f’ing useless!
Man Still Haunted By 2007 Quarter-Final
GREY DAY.
As the Rugby World Cup draws near, Christchurch man Mark Simmons finds himself growing increasingly uneasy with the looming prospect of the All Blacks’ opening pool game against the host nation, France.
Despite being a devoted supporter of the All Blacks since birth, the 34-year-old remains haunted by the infamous quarter-final defeat suffered by the All Blacks at the 2007 Rugby World Cup at the hands of the French, even though the team has clinched two world cups since.
