Low Level Employee Looking To Cash In On Christmas Party Bar Tab
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture MAKING IT COUNT Brodie Patterson couldn’t get up to the bar quick enough at his company’s end of year xmas do this afternoon. The 22 year-old customer advisor, who answers queries on the phones for a living, was determined to make the most of the free alcohol being provided by his […]
Labour Turns Down Fog Cannon Requests And Offers Their Own Brain Fog Instead
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics “GLOBAL SHORTAGE” The Government is set to announce an innovative new plan to keep our shops safe from violent criminals once and for all. Because of the “global shortage” of fog cannons, which were meant to be rolled out to shop owners that needed them to protect their shops from armed […]
School Friend Who Is Not Capable Of Doing Law Degree Enrols In Law Degree
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture SHOOT FOR THE STARS Palmerston North based school leaver Blair Smalley raised eyebrows yesterday when he revealed that he was enrolling at Victoria University to do a law degree. The majority of surprise came from school friend Simon Harrison, who knows his friend Blair is a good bloke, but is definitely […]
<strong>Football Fan Quietly Accepts His Country’s Loss Without Rioting In The Streets</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport JUST A GAME Luc Hazard was unperturbed today. The Belgian born and bred 29-year-old left a bar in Brussels and returned home to get some sleep after watching his team’s shock 2-0 loss to Morocco. Instead of flipping tables, throwing bar stools and then carrying on this behaviour onto the streets […]
Man Who Recklessly Claimed He ‘Can’t Wait For Summer’ Quickly Remembers He Lives In Wellington
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture CAN’T BEAT IT ON A GOOD DAY THOUGH Wellington local Ben Ward nearly forgot what city he was in today, after carelessly and thoughtlessly claiming he “can’t wait for summer”. The 25 year old Mt Vic resident, who will be working in the capital all the way through Christmas and new […]
Luxon Hoping That The “Make It 16” Campaigners Don’t Try To Ram Raid His House
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics “BLOODY KIDS!” National Party Leader Christopher Luxon is set to kill any hope Labour might have had to expand their voter base by reducing the legal voting age to 16. The proposed change to the law would require 75% support in parliament to go through. While Luxon is certain about keeping […]
<strong>Mum Who Doesn’t Understand BYC Holds False Belief That Her Kids Can Just “Do That At The Park”</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport NOT THE SAME Mother of two Jane Andrews was coming in hot this evening. That’s because for the second time in as many minutes she heard a tennis ball hit the house, which was being used by her two sons who were happily playing cricket in the backyard. “Zack! Matthew! You […]
<strong>Man Heroically Walks Away From Pokies Without Even Thinking About Trying To Win His Money Back</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture KNOWS WHEN TO GO Jayden Hamer has basically walked away from his local watering hole on top today. The 27 year-old tradie went for an $11 jug of lager after work with his colleagues, but also took $20 out for a splash on the pokies in the bar’s gaming room. $20 […]
HOPE LOST: Man Opens Tub Of Ice Cream From Freezer Only To Find It’s Actually Vegetable Soup
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture FOOLED AGAIN Nelson man Shane Sharland got his hopes up to record levels yesterday evening when he saw what appeared to be a tub of Tip Top Boysenberry Ripple ice cream in the bottom of his freezer. The 30 year old who had obviously been stung by misleading containers before, nevertheless […]
<strong>Man Goes Walking Alone, Contemplating How We Blew That Lead</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport PAINFUL STUFF It has been hard to get a word out of Lewis Adams today. The diehard All Blacks fan had been extremely lively earlier this morning when the ABs were comfortably in control of their game against England at Twickenham. However Adams’ buoyant mood evaporated within minutes as the Poms […]
