Woman Who Was Always Going To Waste Her Saturday On Netflix Pounces On Rainy Day Excuse
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture “OH WELL…” Laura Goldburn fooled absolutely no-one when she said she couldn’t do much else on this rainy Saturday except watch Netflix. The 22 year old commerce student had a massive night in town last night and has not once been seen in person by her two flatmates today. One of […]
HALLOWEEN SCARE: Mall Manager Reports That What’s Frightening Customers The Most Is The October Christmas Decorations
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National TERRIFYING Gavin Briggs, the manager for the Riccarton Mall in Christchurch, thought he had been outdoing himself in his job. But the 44 year-old has found out that his beloved mall has been inadvertently disturbing shoppers after gathering feedback from the mall’s feedback box. Our reporters caught up with Briggs who […]
Disengaged Public Servant Keeps Pushing Work Drinks Earlier And Earlier Each Friday
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture “SEE YOU AT THE OTHER OFFICE” Corporate level ACC employee Daniel Farnham has once again pushed the envelope in his quest to continue getting to Friday work drinks as early as possible. As of 3.25 pm today, the “community engagement advisor”, who has never set foot anywhere near the frontline, was […]
Smug Wellington Hipster Drafts Scathing Twitter Attack Ahead Of Six60 Concert
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture “THE NICKELBACK OF NEW ZEALAND” Ruby Wareing, an Aro Valley based sociology student and heavily invested Twitter user, is gearing herself up for her favourite band to hate, Six60, to come and perform at Wellington’s Sky Stadium on Saturday night. Wareing has spent this afternoon drafting a nuclear tweet that she […]
NOT AGAIN! NZ Rugby Double-Books Itself For Friday Drinks
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport DILEMMA New Zealand Rugby have found themselves in a bit of a conundrum. The Wellington based rugby executives have had drinks booked in at Dockside with the All Blacks jersey sponsor Alrad for a couple of months, but totally forgotten they’d recently decided to have drinks with Adidas at Foxglove on […]
REPORT: $5 Pepperoni At Domino’s Dodges Inflation For 12th Year In A Row
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National STILL COMMERCIALLY VIABLE Despite the cost of everything going up, it would appear that the total cost of ingredients, labour and overhead to produce a pepperoni pizza at Domino’s has stayed roughly the same since 2010. While things like fruit and vegetables, petrol and building supplies have fallen victim to the […]
Massey Students Forced To Get Creative After Six Days Of No Toilet Paper In Flat
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture THINKING CAPS ON A group of five Massey University flatmates in Palmerston North are putting their brains to use for once during some trying times. The friends, who are all aged between 19 and 20 years of age, in their second year at university, have been coming up with different ways […]
Indian Friend Won’t Shut Up About Virat Kohli’s Innings Last Night
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport “KING KOHLI” Arjuna Singh has been annoying his non-Indian friends on social media today. The 28 year-old IT consultant has been endlessly tagging kiwi mates in Facebook posts about Virat Kohli’s masterclass innings against Pakistan at the MCG last night. “King Kohli! Watch out Kiwis, the real King is back!” Singh […]
Local Woman Takes Sledgehammer To Wall After Rush Of Blood To The Head From Watching The Block
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture SPARK OF INSPIRATION Recent new homeowner Chelsea Golding, of Hamilton, has given her husband Isaac the fright of his life today. Isaac had taken this Labour Day as an opportunity to do a few life-admin things in town this morning. When he got home however, he found that his wife had […]
Man Rewatches Black Caps Win Over Australia Just To Double Check It Really Happened
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport Damian Wilson cannot believe that the world he is in is part of reality. The 29 year-old has had to double check that the Blackcaps’ dominant 89 run win over Australia was indeed part of the real world, as the Kiwis humiliated the Aussies at the SCG last night. “I had […]
