Man In Office With Blue Powerade Signals Midweek Hangover
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local Simon Marshall didn’t need to say anything to his workmates this morning – his blue Powerade did all the talking. The 29 year old quantity surveyor from Levin may as well have put a sign up saying “Viciously hungover, do not disturb”. Whakataki Construction account manager Jake Brooks agreed to provide […]
Owner Of Silver Toyota Prius At The End Of His Tether: “I’m Not An Uber!”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National “Just because I’m an Indian bloke with a Prius doesn’t mean you can just hop into my car and assume I’m a bloody uber driver!” Jay Patel has had an absolute gutsful. For the third time this week, a complete stranger has opened the front passenger door of his 2010 Toyota […]
Woman Pronounces Herself Dead After Botched Fake Tan
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local DIY DISASTER! Whakataki local Sophie White, 21, has pronounced herself dead after making a complete hash of applying fake tan to her body. White was looking to be fully brown ahead of a weekend of music festivals and night clubbing, but will now start a completely new life in the South […]
DJ Omicron To Headline Rhythm and Hills Music Festival
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture The Whakataki region’s premier music festival, Rhythm and Hills, announced this morning that British dance music legend DJ Omicron will headline the festival this year. The very vaccinated DJ, responsible for such drum and bass classics as Three Negative Tests, No Symptoms and Everyone At The Festival Has To Be Vaccinated […]
Man Heavily Sedated After Four Beers In The Sun
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local Dave McMillian, 44, was not under general anaesthetic for a serious medical procedure today, but to our reporters that’s exactly what it looked like. Neighbours explained to the Whakataki Times that the financial consultant had indulged in his fourth 330mL crafty APA, just as the heat ticked over to 31 degrees […]
Sunblock In Eyes Worse Than Being Pepper Sprayed
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National Cam Jones, 23, was all set for a relaxing summer’s day at Waihi Beach today. But any thoughts of the day being remotely enjoyable were immediately thrown into utter chaos after the construction labourer rubbed sunscreen directly into his eyes. ‘Arrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fucking hell!’, cried Jones, whose eyeballs were now completely on […]
Disturbing Character On Plane Heeds Every Single Flight Crew Instruction
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National RED FLAG! Graeme Simmons has drawn an unwelcome amount of attention to himself today. Alarm bells went off as the 48 year-old data analyst incomprehensibly chose to obey every single flight crew instruction on an Air New Zealand flight from Napier to Wellington. “I couldn’t help myself. The rules are there […]
Rebel Sport Staff Prepare For Tsunami Of Eleven-Year-Olds With Vouchers At Boxing Day Sale
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National It’s gameday for Rebel Sport team leader Tania Te Rangi today. “These are the days where you have to turn up. Must be switched on. Not nervous, just excited for a big day!” With tens of thousands of eleven-year-olds receiving Rebel Sport gift vouchers from their aunties for Christmas yesterday, Te […]
Uncle Cuts To The Chase And Gets Insanely Drunk and Obnoxious At Christmas Lunch
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture Local Whakataki Uncle Darryl Clifton was a man on a mission today. The used car salesman, 58, proudly resumed his role as the loud and vulgar member of the family, and decided to leave no doubt ahead of his big day. Christmas Day for many misfit family members around New Zealand […]
Local Bloke Shredding For RnV Not Tracking Well And Relieved With Postponement
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME. It’s Christmas come early for Damian Hayes today. The 23 year-old landscaper from Gisborne was relieved to learn that New Zealand’s premier music festival Rhythm and Vines had been postponed. His relief came after three months of failing to exercise or eat well, and not […]
